Connection

It’s been some time since I posted. I wanted to share about my recent session with my T. We talked about ex T a lot and the ways in which ex T made me feel so connected. I told her how ex T would stare at me during group therapy even when I wasn’t talking and others were sharing just so she could make eye contact with me for long periods of time. If we were sitting next to each other on the couch during the group therapy, she’d lean over just enough so that our shoulders were touching and I’d feel connected.

I know after 18 months I should probably be over her and I am trying really hard to replicate the same connection in my life right now. I just can’t seem to find anyone who I feel that level of intimacy with. Current T thinks it was pretty odd and understands why my feelings for ex T got so intense, which I find validating, but I also know there are probably other Ts who do these sorts of things too to build intimacy with clients. For me, it just felt as though she was the first person genuinely interested in me, like we had something really special, and my heart would always flutter whenever she’d make such an effort like that. She’d sometimes even make the little heart simple with her fingers/hands from across the room in group when she knew I was having a hard time. I’m doing well, but I just have my moments where I really crave “her” and thought I’d come here for support.

Ps. My relationship with current T is much different than ex T because we don’t really talk about our relationship at all (as in the relationship between me and current T). While she’s validating, she’s not warm and fuzzy and that’s something I really miss. I have thought about what maybe it would be like if I shared that with her and sometimes I wish she and I were that way. I’m just afraid it would be really awkward because that’s not her personality and I don’t know if it’s even good for me if I try to replicate it.

nice to see you again, justbreathe. I'm sorry you are still missing your ex-T so much, and you don't have that same sort of connection with your current T.

I’m sorry. That really sucks. I have a very warm connection to current T that I am finding quite helpful in my healing. There are a lot of spontaneous little things he does that are just his nature that mean SO much. Like H came to a session and T wanted to subtly check on me so he tapped my foot with his like it was an accident but when I looked at him I knew he was telling me “I am right here”. My greatest fear is something happening to T. I don’t think those little things could ever be replaced or duplicated by another T. I have talked to T about it several times but he doesn’t see himself as any different from any other T. No other T I have worked with has ever done these things or anything like them. I would feel lost. I would run to Pdoc that I have a strong but different connection to but still feel like I was missing out on something I needed so very much. So, I don’t have any advice but I think I “get it” sort of.