What's wrong with my psychologist?

I need therapy because of my therapist. So stressed and sad because of her! I thought she had the biggest heart ever but every so often she does something that's rude and immature. So I just convinced myself it's some kind of therapy technique. Recently after talking to 4 therapist I learned they aren't therapy techniques.

About the time the coronavirus pandemic started my life exploded and was overwhelmed, stressed, super depressed, no energy. I became extremely suicidal and was crying out for help. I have no friends, and only a sister somewhat nearby, but never felt safe to talk about stuff. My therapist was all I had. She invited me to send her daily email reports how I was doing, but things changed when I wrote her a suicide email. I didn't say I was going to do it. Nor did I have a plan, but I was crying out for help. I was shocked beyond belief of her reply. She wrote 2 sentences. Go to mental hospital. Call suicide hotline. That's it! She showed no compassion.

She started saying things that made me feel guilty. Like how she was spending 4 hours per day doing research for me. I never asked her to do that. She also complained how I've canceled my therapy with her a lot of times. I feel bad about that but from the beginning I told her I only do that when I've been triggered and am suicidal. So we both agreed early on that it's okay and that she's to ignore it and have at least one following therapy because by then I would be out of the triggered state. So I don't know why she started complaining about the cancellations all of a sudden.

Anyway, she told me I needed more intense therapy than she could provide. She said I'm now terminated as her client, forever! She said she can give me references to other psychologists? I asked her how did canceling our therapy give me more therapy? She's a clinical psychologist, some who specialists in trauma. I asked her how is another psychologist going to give me more intense therapy? Over the phone she stumbled for words and couldn't give an explanation. That caused the biggest suicidal trigger in me. She demanded I go to the psych ward or she's calling the police. I went. Next day she calls me at the psych ward telling that I am no longer allowed to contact her in any way and that our therapy is now ended. Uggggg, that killed me! She was all I had. She's the only person I opened up to and told about my childhood. I trusted her 100% unconditionally. She made me feel like my life is worth saving. I saw her as a motherly figure. It felt like my very own mother called me and said I'm no longer her son and that I'm not allowed to talk to her ever again. I just really need therapy to recover from her. It makes me shake thinking about how cold she was, showed no compassion or care what so ever for me and my life when I needed her the most.

I've talked to 4 therapist about her, told them everything my therapist said why she's terminating me as a client, forever. All 4 of the therapist can't understand my therapist behavior. One therapist thought she might be experience reverse transference where I might remind her of a past boyfriend or something. Two therapist said she's not supposed to ever tell me what to do, but to make suggestions.

Part of me wants to report her, but I could never get myself to do that. She is/was a motherly figure to me. I care about her.............but it kills me she just threw me away like that, as if my life is meaningless.

I don't know what to do. Feel so lifeless, hopeless, worthless! I need a new psychologist before I get triggered again because next time I won't have anyone to call.

i wish i knew what to say that would help you. i feel your pain so clearly. i am so sorry you are feeling this way and i am sending you lots of good thoughts and strrength and i hope you stay safe. i am sorry you experience d that with your t. please stay safe.

What a horrible experience to have with a therapist! Not all trauma therapists are equal I guess....she doesn’t sound prepared for the job she chose at all. Or maybe she was struggling with her own issues and realised she couldn’t help you for whatever reason, felt guilty and pulled away? That’s no excuse for her to make you feel you don’t matter though. I hope the next person you see is really there for you and makes you feel seen and heard, because you are important and your life matters!

I am sorry you are struggling so much. One if the things both my Ts told me about emailing and texting is they do not want me to mske suicidal statements that way. It woimuld likely take them time to respond. They want me to call and if for whatever reason they dont answer, please call crisis. They both know I would not do that. When discussing this, they told me if it happened to often, they would want me to stop texting and only call.

As far as dropping you while you were in the hospital, sadly it fairly common. The therapists often state they can not provide the level of care that the care the person needs. The facility I work in, makes sure every patient leaves woth providers in place. By dropping cliebts ehile they are there. we will make sure their need for new providers is taken care of.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My T and I had a big rupture last August when I was suicidal and emailed him, not even expecting him to reply till the next morning. He replied that evening, but didn't seem particularly sensitive, so I ended up writing back asking him for things like to give me hope. His reply was long and quite harsh, things like "Give you hope? How is that my responsibility?" and saying how one comment I made (re maybe I need to find a different T if he can't) was "manipulative." This all crushed me. And certainly didn't help my mental state--thankfully, I had a friend online who was able to talk it through with me.


Then, the session after, where I was hoping he might apologize and explain more, he said how he felt "trapped" into replying to me that night. I said he could have just said that he couldn't help me then and given me the number to a crisis line or said to go to ER, and he said, "That wouldn't have been enough for you." "He also said how he was frustrated with me that night and almost included it in the email, but chose not to. It all really hurt. (And this was after a smaller rupture earlier in summer where he said I was trying to control him.) We tried a couple other sessions to talk through it, but I ended up leaving. I asked if we could meet to talk a few weeks later and ended up going back to him as a regular client. He's seemed so different toward me since then, much more compassionate and empathetic. Maybe he realized how he acted toward me was too harsh and/or was coming from a place of countertransference (it felt personal), I don't know.

I'm just sharing that to say that suicidal thoughts can lead to strong reactions in therapists, often negative. Maybe in part, because of something *else* my T said about feeling trapped at the time, was fears about liability, like if something happened to a client, it could affect them professionally and/or financially (like the family could sue, for example, and his malpractice insurance rates would increase and/or he could get in trouble with the licensing board). Which made it feel like it was more about protecting himself than about protecting/helping me. So that could have been going on with your T, like if your last call before you jumped was to her, she could potentially have some sort of liability. I imagine if you had hung up without getting in the car, she'd have called the police to both protect you and cover herself. Some T's don't want to work with higher-risk clients.

All that being said, this doesn't excuse what your T did. I hope that one of the therapists you talked to after (or perhaps a different one) might be able to help you through this. I did consult with a different T for a couple sessions after the incidents with my T (and I also tried a new T with the thoughts of working with him instead) and it helped me realize I wasn't just overreacting or being too sensitive. It does sound like your T may have been experiencing some countertransference--the researching 4 hours a day jumped out at me. And it sounds like she was taking cancellations personally. It may be she was worried she wasn't helping you enough, but she handled it very poorly. Sadly, I hear of this happening way too often...

I know you're attached to her, and that makes it all especially difficult. My honest opinion from what you've explained is that she lacks confidence in her ability to work with you. Who knows why...it might be something going on in her personal life. Either that, or she's simply not a talented therapist. There are plenty who aren't.

Thanks for all of the replies and sharing about your experiences! I'm realizing part of the problem is me not having a support system besides my therapist. It was too much pressure on her. I am attached to her. She's all I have. What I still don't understand is how she could abandon me so fast when I need her the most. I sent her an email yesterday morning. She almost always responds within 15 minutes. Still no reply. She won't. I was so nice to her, apologizing so many times about my suicidal triggering emotional times, but the only thing I focused on was how it kills me how our therapist-client relationship has ended on such a negative note, and losing her as a psychologist forever. I was hoping she would reply saying everything's fine between us and wishing me the best in life. That's all! Did she really care about me? Or was it fake? I have so many memories of laughing with her in therapy, how she always made me feel better about myself, giving me coping tools and so many other tools. She is a motherly figure to me. I thought as a matter of fact she would be my therapist for life. Ugggggggggggggg this hurts so much. Oh well. That's life. Be strong and get over it, right?

Maybe all those things are true. Maybe she did care, maybe the laughs were genuine. Maybe she did give you good coping tools. And maybe she failed you by ending things as she did. And maybe now she is talking with her silence. Even though she was a motherly figure to you, she was in reality a professional doing a job. Maybe she did that job poorly in the end. It doesn't make it hurt less. Personally it doesn't sound like you are anywhere near being "over it," and you may need to go easy on yourself.

As far as whether or not she was able to withstand the pressure of being your only support, as a professional that's her job, and it isn't your job to worry about what you therapist can or cannot take within the context of doing their job.

The wisest insight is, I think, the broader our base of support, the better it is for us. It's difficult to do but a viable and important goal. I think even coming on PC and hearing about the experiences of others gives you a wider base of support.


Keep coming back to PC!

It seems she got freaked out when you called her before following through. Made her realise how out of her depth she was and that she did not have the skills to help you anymore.

She could have handled it more professionally. However, it does seem that she wasn't able to help you and she realised that.

I agree. But it's just really bizarre that she won't even reply to my emails and let me have closure. I really have no clue what's going on. Four therapist I've talked to about it said it doesn't make any sense. Unless something bad happened to her or she lost her license or something it seems to be so immature.

I'm sorry for talking about this so much but it's all I can think about.

I remember my psychologist said something about her talking with the malpractice board. Does anyone know anything about this malpractice board? Is there a website where I can contact them?

A quick update: my psychologist never replied to my email.

Anyway, I remember months ago I had this feeling that she's not really a psychologist, but is using someone's license #. Maybe she's using a license of a psychologist that past away? I just wished I knew what was happening. So much trauma from her. She just didn't seem to be a psychologist, but I really don't know what a psychologist is like since she's the only one I've had. Honestly our therapy seems nothing more than two people chatting. In group therapy at the psych ward I was given a lot of different type of skills such as coping skills. I feel like I gained more help and therapy in a single psych ward group therapy than 6 moths of therapy with my clinical psychologist. Two therapist at the psych ward told me that a therapist should never tell their client what to do. My psychologist was always telling me what to do. She even threatened to not give me therapy if I didn't get a psychiatrist.

From discussions I've had with my T regarding my former marriage counselor, I get the sense that many T's won't reply to a former client's emails, unless it's just "here's a life update!" My ex-MC kept replying to my emails, and my T said that he was taking a chance in doing so, as he could have still been seen as being responsible for me if something were to happen. As in, his replying to my emails could imply he's still my therapist, so he could be held liable for something. So she may not be responding for those sorts of reasons (which, I know, suck in terms of thinking of your former relationship with her). She may just have a policy of not replying to former clients, and it's nothing about you in particular.

LonesomeTonight, that could be it. I guess good psychologists don’t allow themselves to bond with their clients. So they could have a client for 50 years, and the moment therapy is terminated, the psychologist forgets about their client in a heartbeat.

Good for my psychologist, but now I’m left with these emotions of a very close bond to someone I cared dearly for, that I looked up to as a motherly figure. Someone who shared so much of her life with me, her children, her teaching classes, her trips around the world, and so much more. The endless laughter we had in each therapy and how she always made me feel so good about myself, and that my life was worth saving.

And now she abandons me.

That’s wonderful so many people are getting help from their psychologists, but I don’t think it’s for me anymore.....

Well, think about it from her point of view. Exchanging emails with you ended up with 1) you sending a suicide email and 2) you calling her essentially threatening to kill yourself in an attempt to coerce her into seeing you again. I'm sorry that sounds pretty harsh, and I know you were in incredible pain when you did that, but it's kind of traumatic to the person on the receiving end and makes them feel helpless. She may have felt like she was not being effective as your therapist because she lost confidence that there was anything she could do to keep you safe when you're sending suicide emails and threatening suicide over the phone. The APA code of ethics, which she is governed by as a psychologist in the US, does say that psychologists must not provide therapy in situations beyond their competency and/or when they are unable to help the client. Right or wrong, that's what the code of ethics says.

I am definitely not a therapist, so I can't offer additional input to that which you've already obtained from the therapists you've spoken with. I did work in a mental health agency for 8 years. I can tell you that in the agency where I worked, a client who threatened suicide over the phone would be moved to a higher level of care. It would depend on the circumstances if they were referred out of the agency due to the threat or not. In your case, I don't think so because you cooperated to keep yourself safe by going to the hospital as directed. If you had made an attempt during/after the phone call and lived, you would almost certainly have been referred out. We also wouldn't have agreed that when suicidal, clients could/should skip their appointments, either. That is the thing that seems odd to me about your former therapist's behavior.

I'm moving on and accepting it now but I finally went over everything in detail. It is what it is. For anyone who's interested here's a basic outline (not all the details):

* While in a triggered state during therapy I told my therapist I have the desire to drive over to Suicide Bridge in Pasadena and look down and see how it makes me feel. My therapist immediately got very serious and harsh with me saying I have to go to the mental hospital now or I'm calling the police.

* I voluntarily checked myself in to the mental hospital.

* Psychiatrist doubled my zoloft dosage. I was in psych ward for 5 days.

* After leaving the psych ward I started feeling less emotional. It felt kind of good.

* As time went on I started to feel no emotions, no motivations, no passion. Life felt meaningless and dark. I told my therapist in therapy that zoloft was making me feel horrible and suicidal, but she said to continue what the psychiatrist prescribed.

* I wrote an email to my therapist saying how horrible I felt, felt like swallowing a bottle of you know what or going to a bridge and doing you know what. I didn't say I was going to though. She replied back with 2 small sentences 1) Go to mental hospital now. 2) Call suicide hotline if you're suicidal.

* I felt like my therapist was cold and didn't care about my life. She showed no compassion. I was seriously suicidal, and all she could do is write 2 tiny sentences. So I went on the portal and canceled my next appointment with her.

* Soon after (I'm sure it was the next day) I felt bad about canceling and asked to reschedule. She said she can no longer be my therapist and that I need more intensive care. She recommended I find another therapist.

* My therapist was all I have. I have no friends. I'm not close to my family. She's like a motherly figure to me. The only person I ever felt like who cared about me. The only person who knew my most terrifying traumas. Hearing her abandon me made me so suicidal.



* The psych ward psychiatrist immediately took me off zoloft and put me on a high dosage of wellbutrin. On the 2nd day at the psych ward my therapist called me. She said she contacted the board of malpractice(?) and they recommended that she terminate me as a client. I heart stopped. I asked her, "Forever???" She paused, and then said, "Yeah." I broke down crying for about a minute. Then I got furious with her I didn't want to speak. She said various things which I don't remember except for she said she understands I'm angry with her. She said my sister will be there for me. I said I'm not close to her. Then with intense emotions I said (I pretty sure this is nearly the exact words), "I'm not going to talk to my sister or anyone! I'll never have a psychologist ever again! I completely give up on life! The instant I'm out of here I'm driving so far to the forest and then...." (I told her long ago that I've always wanted to go to the forest and never eat again.) Then I paused and said, "I'm soooo confused!" and hung up on her. I ran so fast down the hallway swerving around people. While running a girl I knew in cafeteria room yelled out my name saying my lunch tray was waiting for me. I ignored her and found an isolated hallway that goes to the outdoor court area and just sat down curled up for what seemed like an hour, so angry, frustrated, hurt, wanting to die more than ever. The outside world didn't seem to exist anymore to me.

* It was either one or two days later, the wellbutrin started kicking in because I started to feel better.

* After staying in the psych ward for 10 days I went home and emailed my therapist. It's been 4 days now and she hasn't replied.

I feel like the problem all started when I told my therapist that I had the desire to go to Suicide Bridge and look down to see how it made me feel. I had no idea she would think I was going to do you know what. I just wanted to see how it made me feel. She got so stern and angry with me. I feel like I was just crying out for help.

I believe that your psychologist did care but for professional reasons, she cannot respond or give you the closure that you want. Most people don't get closure when relationships end abruptly, either in therapy or out.

If I were in her shoes, I would be thinking that my services must not be what is needed if you are feeling so suicidal and that care is better provided by someone else. And, as a therapist, a T cannot be someone's sole support system because it creates a dependency that is unrealistic and will lead to a rupture at some point.

I am no longer in therapy for a variety of reasons. This board has taught me that Ts do not deal well with suicidal clients and sadly, a T usually decides when therapy ends and the timing is usually not mutually decided.

Find a T who can help you with the emotional despair that you are now feeling and maybe a life coach or spiritual advisor, mentor or someone else who can help you develop a support system or a least a distraction from your emotional state.

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to accept that your T is not going to contact you ever again but that doesn't mean that she didn't care or was some impostor.

Only thing I gained from paying her all this time is to never go to a therapist or psychiatrist ever again. I think the rules they're taught to abide by are cruel and flawed.

It makes me angry that there is over-whelming support for the therapist (who is not present in this discussion) and little to no support for our Psych Central member.


Closure is not simply a "nice" way to end therapy. It is an essential method to maintain the integrity of the therapeutic relationship. It is NOT OKAY to not allow for closure.

While allowing that the therapist is not here to defend herself I will say it sounds like she handled everything from Day One in a professionally sloppy manner. Were goals of therapy addressed? Was the type and scope of therapy addressed? Did the therapist explain how she worked...and whether she engaged in short-term or long-term therapy? Were the dynamics of possible transference issues explained to a patient totally new to therapy? Did the therapist recommend a social worker or other community resource to help the patient widen his base of personal and community support? Was the therapist in close contact with the psychiatrist to monitor the effects of medication? (If you read over the OP's account of the story you can see he attempted to inform the therapist about the adverse effects of his medication) and much of what happened stemmed from the therapist's casual recommendation to continue with a medication that was having negative psychological effects on the patient.


It has been my personal experience that whoever administers psych medication whether it be pdoc or psych professional it is not closely monitored. I have called my pdoc's office up to five times for advice when psych medication has had bad side effects. Twice I simply stopped the medication on my own. I will never again take any psych medications, in part because for me side effects are extreme, and also because the support while being given these medications is poorly executed and maintained. When I have expressed fears over the lOOOOONG list of possible side effects of a certain psych medication my former pdoc casually said, "Trust me," as if I were a child who could not read. I believe it is ethical to inform a patient of possible side-effects of ANY medication...and keep them in the treatment loop. To say "trust me" when no basis for such trust has been established is a patronizing non-medical response. In that instance that particular doctor quit her HMO job so wasn't even physically there to follow-up. No notes about this were in my medical records. I later insisted that a list of medications I should NOT be offered be entered into my medical records and this has been done.


When I go to my dentist I do not have to worry about his state-of-mind, what he can "take" or not take with regards to his patients. I am there for him to do his job and he does it, then I pay him. If I experience a problem after treatment I simply have to call his office, or even just show up. I have had my dentist come out to the lobby to see me immediately if I show up to talk to him about after-care. On-the-spot he will determine if I need to have an examination. The trust with my dentist is built up experience by experience, and has resulted in a stable 20-year relationship. Why should the therapeutic experience be any different?

I am really tired of hearing reports of crappy therapeutic outcomes that get blamed on the patient. Would my dentist blame me if a certain treatment did not work, or if a medication had an adverse effect, if I called his office in pain? No!

Again, the therapist is not here to defend herself, and taking that into consideration, I blame the therapist for letting things get out of control, for ending therapy in a cruel manner, and for not allowing for closure. I have researched this online because I and friends of mine have personally experienced something similar. In instances such as this it is an option for the therapist to support the patient through an in-patient experience and then as part of after-care, allowing for closure, and perhaps helping and supporting the patient in finding a more suitable level of care.

Everyone has been quick to offer explanations for the therapist's actions and slow to offer a hug to Stahrgeyzer. No matter what, the fact is that Stahrgeyzer is in a GREAT DEAL OF PAIN. So, Stahrgeyzer,

I have replied to other threads like this one. I am usually joined by a few other members who are not as pro-therapy as most on Psych Central. Harm within a therapeutic relationship is serious. If a patient is left worse off after termination of therapy then I am of the mind that thousands of dollars were wasted.

With "good" therapy we should see a gradual improvement in our personal life as we apply tools given us within the context of therapy. If needed, therapy should direct us in creating a sound, personalized Suicide Prevention Plan that should be printed out and be put in a place where it is readily handy - a copy of it should be kept in one's vehicle or backpack. On this plan should be phone numbers. If a patient does not have family members to call...the numbers of local Crisis Hotline numbers should be included, many of which operate 24/7. Optionally one can call Crisis Hotlines in other states. For instance, anyone in the US can call the local NYC crisis hotline which is available 24/7. These numbers should be made readily available and the patient should be encouraged to call them. One can call a crisis hotline with ANY psychological problem they need help with. Crisis counselors are highly skilled and have at their fingertips long lists of resources. One does not have to be standing on a bridge before calling them. As well, peer support hotlines are proliferating. A good suicide prevention plan should include ALL these numbers. Did the OP's therapist offer these BASIC tools???



It has been my experience and reflection from reading about many experiences on Psych Central that "good" therapy is rare. It exists, but to find it is to search for the veritable golden needle in the haystack -- which is certainly a lot to ask of someone who is smack dab in the middle of a personal crisis. When therapy goes bad the patient is often blamed for not having sought out "the perfect fit." Nonsense. There are intrinsic and systemic weaknesses in the whole set-up. Patients end up having to pay the price for weaknesses in the system.

Dechan Dawa, it's never ok for a therapist to advise a client to stop taking their medication, regardless of what the client tells them. That is beyond their scope of practice and unethical. They can suggest a client speak to the prescriber if they have concerns, but the therapist is not competent to address those concerns unless they happen to be a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner who is also providing therapy.

As for crisis hotlines, those will actually call the cops on you for a welfare check if you say the sorts of things OP said. I don't think that would be a very good solution. OP was also motivated, according to his own account, to say the things he did in hopes of provoking particular responses from his therapist. This is not at all unusual. I do the same thing, although not with threatening or insinuating I might kill myself. But the point I'm trying to make is that OP really wanted to communicate with his therapist, not some random stranger on a hotline.

My post wasn't about shaming OP or trying to make him feel bad. Nobody is perfect and I'm the last person to claim I'm some sort of model client. I'm pretty manipulative and a bit of a nightmare. It just didn't seem like OP was aware of how his actions likely came across. It's really unfortunate that he didn't anticipate the consequences of his behavior.

OP, I'm also concerned based on your last reply that you're taking what's happened and telling yourself that you're helpless to prevent the same thing from happening again. I think that's a cognitive distortion. It is certainly true that you cannot control what a future therapist or psychiatrist does. However, how they respond to you does not occur in a vacuum - your actions do have an impact. I am struck by the way you have phrased several of your actions because it is clear they were designed to provoke your therapist into specific responses. This is manipulative and people really don't like such transparent attempts to manipulate them. I'm not sitting on some high horse and judging you for it - as I've already mentioned, I can be very manipulative myself. It's something I struggle with when I feel threatened by someone. Judging by everything you've said, it sounds like you have a tendency towards emotional manipulation to get certain needs met. This is not unusual, although other people who do the same thing tend to have a lot of trouble in interpersonal relationships. I think this strategy/method of coping just backfired on you this time. But that doesn't mean you can't be more aware of how what you're saying will be received. For example, if you want to express thoughts about dying but you don't want the recipient to interpret what you're saying as suicidal intent, you now know it's important to spell that out.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. I hope you don't rule out seeking help in the future and I certainly hope you haven't just stopped your wellbutrin and anything else you're on because you've decided you never want to see anyone else in the mental health field ever again. In my experience, going off meds is rough and can cause a temporary increase in suicidal thoughts. Please take care.

1) I never said a therapist should advise a patient to stop taking their medication.

2) I referred to crisis hotlines as one part of a Suicide Prevention Plan...and yes, crisis hotline numbers are included in Suicide Prevention Plans. You cannot predict what would have happened if this person called a Crisis Hotline. In actuality, crisis counselors often do not have to call the police for intervention after speaking with a caller. They are not simply "random strangers" but skilled crisis counselors. In fact I think they are more skilled at handling a crisis situation than most therapists.


3) I never said anyone on the thread was trying to shame the OP.


4) You start addressing the OP personally halfway through the comment you started out by addressing me. It might be more clear if you post a separate comment to the OP.



5) I tried to keep my comments general based on my personal experiences and the experiences of others I know in my personal life and posters here on PC. I tried to point out weaknesses in the system.


You certainly have the right to say whatever you wish within reason and the forum guidelines, but I think calling out the OP on his behavior and assessing it as manipulative is a bit much as is labeling something as a cognitive distortion.


He can do whatever he wants regarding his medication. I myself stopped taking psych medications twice with absolutely no ill effects, so this is particular to the individual. However, I would not take it upon myself to advise the OP about medications whether it be to stop or not stop them. Anyway, he has a psychiatrist he can consult on these matters - which you would know if you read his narrative carefully. I don't think he needs you to tell him what he should or should not do regarding his medications or therapy - however, he never once gave indication that he was stopping his medication.

My apologies if I appeared to tell Stahrgeyzer what to do or not to do. My comments were meant mainly to point to weaknesses in the system.

I will refrain from further comments on this threat as I do not want to get stressed out over inane arguments.

Let's all try to support one another.