pushing and pulling: what has helped improve this?

hello,

I hope all of you are somewhat getting through the current corona crisis on top of other things.

I wanted to ask something, just really for myself to get an idea, because I feel a bit hopeless. Last session, my T started to talk about how I pull and then push people away. The previous T had also mentioned that, and I recognize it from my own feelings too - small things which happen between me and someone else have in the past been prompts for me to cut down contact altogether, or to withdraw temporarily without really addressing any issue.

I'm sad about it because of how this has affected my relationships over the course of my life so far, and my still present inability to develop deep and meaningful relationships with others. It feels like something so alien to me, many things I hear other people say which indicate how much they care for others, I personally hardly ever experience (feeling that for others). I wish I did, I feel so 'cold' and distant a lot of the time. It's really like living a shadow life with a big, crucial part missing.

To others who have (had) this pattern: has anything helped you change this for the better? What have you found helpful?

Hi SoAn,

I struggle with this too. Do you know what makes you pull away when small things happen between you and other people?
For me, it’s because I can’t stand the possibility of being hurt, and if they can hurt me in some small way, then they can do it in a big way too. I don’t like the idea of needing someone. I am pretty bad at showing emotions. Also I’ve never been very sure of who I am, so it was almost impossible for me to feel close to anyone, when I don’t know who ‘I’ am. They couldn’t meet the real me.

I think it would work best if I could accept people for who they are, and that their actions say much more about them than about me. Maybe then I would feel closer to people. Also I think a lot of people who appear to have really close relationships actually don’t know each other that well.

Ok so I am still struggling with this, but I think getting to know myself better has helped with it overall.

I experience the push/pull in relationships. It's one of the reasons why I don't have a lot of people in my life. In therapy, I have first learned to recognize the push/pull. Once I'm aware of it, I do my best to not act on either. I wait to see if the situation will change. Usually it does, and the desire to push/pull lessens. I've also learned to "tell on myself" especially to my therapist. I literally tell her that I feel clingy or that I want to push her away. We can then figure out why I feel that way, validate my feelings, and try to resolve the problem. Because the desire to push/pull usually is caused by a problem or a tape/template.

I think a key thing too, is to examine the relationship. I used to have push/pull all the time - for years, with people who I considered my best friends. But then I realized that part of it was that I didn't feel valued in the relationship, and that felt unstable to me. I have since abandoned a lot of those "friendships" and now have people where I feel equal; that's really helped me stabilize things. I am also better at asking for what I need in a relationship and getting it met. In my past relationships, I'd do my best to communicate those needs, but they'd fall on deaf ears - which just made me retreat more. It's not easy, but I'd say I'm more content with these friendships and they feel a bit more real.

With current T I tend to notice it more (I think because he is more constant/steady) so I just tell him... some times more politely than others that I want to push him away. Other than his immediate willingness to “back up” a bit I don’t get what he does but it works.

For me it relates to fear of being hurt, getting too close and abandoned. Just recently I started recognozong it and try yo yalk to T about it.

Hey Scarlet,

Thank you, I'm also gonna try out if waiting to see if the situation changes will help. Do you mean that in terms of seconds or minutes i.e. in a conversation? That's how I interpreted it.
The telling part I'm also doing with my therapist, though only the pushing away part - interesting, I'm gonna try it with the pulling part too. I've never actually given the whole pulling part that much thought now that I think of it.

I'm not sure yet what you mean by a tape/template, but I'll look it up. Thanks again for the help and good luck also with this issue!

Hey MissUdy,

Yes, definitely - showing my emotions is difficult for me, and also precisely what I'm practising with my therapist and increasingly with friends. I really resonate with what you say about people not knowing you, because you are not really showing who you are.

Also what you say about fearing being hurt, that runs through a lot of my behaviour with other people. It feels like a leap into scary territory to even wait and see if someone may actually be trustworthy, but then again if I don't take it, I'm probably never gonna have closer relationships.

Hello Charlie,

Yeah, that makes sense to me too - being able to recognize when you have actually clearly communicated your needs, but then the other person doesn't really respond in a way that's considerate, is probably another part of the puzzle for me as well. What you say about feeling a sense of equality but also realness in a friendship resonates with me too. In most of my current relationships, I don't have that feeling, but there are moments when I feel it and it does feel ten times better than otherwise.

For waiting for the situation to change, I didn't mean in a conversation. Here's an example: your T tells you something that frustrated you. You go home and decide you want to quit therapy. Instead of calling up your T and canceling, you wait for your emotions and thoughts to calm down. Usually once time passes, your urge to push away calms down. If it doesn't, you tell your T you want to push them away.

Tapes/templates are words, phrases, even pictures that replay in your head. It can be "I'm bad", "No one wants me", "Everyone abandons me", "I'm a burden", etc.

At first, my answer would have been "nothing." However, I've noticed this past week that my urge to "act out" has lessened based on feeling "heard" by the therapist. I know that's extremely cliche. This goes for both for in sessions and out. Out of session is probably more important lately. When I have communicated distress about something on two different occasions over text, she has responded like it actually matters. It was not necessary to do anything other than communicate my distress for her to be responsive. I did not need to manufacture any sort of drama between us in order to get her to pay attention.

Usually when I push away, it's because I want to communicate to the other person that I don't need them after all. I think I want to hurt their feelings like they hurt mine and make them regret letting me down. I think I'm trying to displace my own feelings of dependence onto the other person by asserting a false independence from them, if that makes sense - because I hope they miss me and thus feel dependent on me to meet some need.

I do the same. I think it is exploring your feelings when they come up. And you might find some kind of fear in there. For me it is the fear of being abandoned. I push and pull my therapist all the time. We talk about it often. It has been making things abit easier, but not completely there.