Ask therapist if I can rub her shoulders

I would find it intruding if I'm crying and my therapist would be trying to actively comfort me. Even offering a kleenex feels intruding.

My interpretation is that those therapists, who cannot just sit with the crying person and give room for their emotions and feel the need to do something, like actively sooth or comfort, are actually not able to contain these feelings themselves and thus they start comforting the patient in order to really comfort themselves. I wouldn't say that it's horrible but definitely somewhat unprofessional.

My T is one that sits there and does not offer me tissue. She gladly gets me tissue if I ask. It's a mixed bag; because she is completely present with me and I have no doubt that she is invested in whatever is going on with me. I do not find her to be a horrible person because of not trying to comfort me in some way at that moment. In fact, I'm fairly grateful that she allows me to experience my experience without feeling pushed in some way because of her response to my tears. I've gone as far as to tell her that I need her to not be different or do something that feels like I might have manipulated her because of my tears.

On the flip side, I do get angry or have gotten angry that I have to ask for the tissue. At times, I've felt embarrassed by what I might look like since I don't have a tissue. There's also some weird thing that happens when she does offer a tissue that I seem to be only able to take 1. Which is so not the case when I'm at home or in many other situations, but I digress.

I would like to be offered a tissue. From my perspective, it's just the considerate thing to do. It doesn't make me feel silenced or pushed. If I offer someone a tissue, it is not because I have a need for them to stop crying or am uncomfortable but because of how I myself prefer to be treated when crying. I want to preserve some dignity and that's hard to do with tears and snot running down my face. For someone to just sit there feels like it sends the message that what I'm doing is inappropriate and I should stop ASAP since my tears don't even warrant an offer of a tissue.

I'm not saying other people are wrong to feel differently about being offered tissues, but I don't think it can be assumed that the offer reflects some sort of pathological deficit on the part of the therapist. I think how a person receives the offer of tissues or lack thereof is about that person more than the offerer.

Fortunately, my therapist kept multiple boxes of kleenex in easy reach of you no matter where you were sitting in his office. Kind of cut out the whole issue of handing or not handing the tissue to you which was good as far as I was concerned.

ETA: I didn't cry in therapy for many years. It had nothing to do with not having been allowed to cry growing up or anything; I think it was more of an internal control thing for me. But eventually it just started happening. I found it rather mortifying at first, and I would NOT have wanted the therapist bringing attention to my crying by offering kleenex - I needed the control to do that on my own. Eventually, crying was like my normal in therapy. I didn't like it (too much tears and snot. LOL), but I wasn't embarrassed about it particularly anymore either.

My therapist knew me well enough to generally not react to my crying. The only times he did was if the crying seemed to be part of a flashback - that was a whole other can of worms. Normally, he just let me be because he knew that was what I needed.

We all have such different needs in therapy, and communicating what you need is necessary because otherwise, the therapist is honestly going to have to guess and will probably get it wrong initially because it's a bit of a crap shoot for them really. Does this client want me to say something? Does this client prefer to be left on their own to regain composure? Etc, etc, etc.

Same with my current T. I like when they're in accessible locations so I don't have to ask. Though I sort of miss the free tissues now that we're meeting over Zoom...especially as I tend to use a lot of them at times!

But I think there's something helpful to me about a T just sitting there and accepting it as I cry. Because my parents had issues with it, and I think I even got more in trouble a few times as a little kid if I kept crying. So for someone to be there with me and seem accepting and not judging, it helps. And I've apologized both to ex-MC and current T for crying, then realized what I was saying. Like, I'm apologizing to a therapist for this. They keep boxes of tissues in their office for a reason...


I can think of a time, not with a T, but when I really needed a tissue from a doctor and had to awkwardly ask while crying. When my D's developmental pediatrician told us, after being unsure for multiple visits, that my D was on the autism spectrum, and I was sitting there basically sobbing, as she just kept talking. I saw tissues on a high shelf across the room and was finally like, "Can I get a tissue?"

Same. I would be crying and my parents would be like, As an adult I'm like WTH? But as a kid, it was just normal. And I wonder why I have issues with crying! The only time I cried with former T was at our last visit and I was just bawling then. I haven't cried with Regular T and I cried once with Pastor T which was awkward. He was like, "Why are you crying?" And I was all, "IDK!"

Yeah, my dad used to say that, too.

The therapist has only mentioned crying once, to ask in shock if I was crying. I sniffled and said no.

The only other time she mentioned anything (it may have actually been the only other time I cried, not sure), she said she thought she was "seeing some emotion from me" which I thought was hilarious.

I would not have used the woman's kleenex (although I suppose I was paying for them). I carried a handkerchief with me to appointments in the off chance that I cried - but I never did. There was really nothing to cry about.

I started drinking and sent my therapist a text. I am very respectful of her time outside of session so she always texts me back. She told me to call her. I told her how I worried about her. I don’t care about myself but I worry about her.

She listened and said we could discuss once in person session are allowed again. I believe the state allows inperson sessions depending on square footage. She said touch was allowed as long as both parties had consent. She sent me a YouTube video about consent.

I agreed she could set boundaries and I had the same limitations. She didn’t say yes or no, but I believe she will give me serious consideration. I am glad she didn’t say no arbitrarily but will at least consider my feelings.

I love my therapist.