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Wiggle118
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Default May 18, 2020 at 10:35 AM
  #1
I’m on my third round of therapy with my T - each time we’ve focused on a different thing.

The first time I struggled to keep to a regular session day/time due to work and not wanting my partner (now ex) to know I was having therapy. My T gave me a hard time about this and it’s one reason why that round of therapy ended. I was told I needed to commit and that she liked to see clients at a consistent time.

In the last round of therapy, which ended about 7 months ago, and now this round, she keeps changing the time of our session. A day or two before, she’ll ask if we can make it earlier or later. Today she asked me to make tomorrow’s session later, I agreed, and about an hour later she text to make it earlier.

I don’t mind, but it seems so much in contradiction to what she asked me to do.
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Default May 18, 2020 at 12:50 PM
  #2
This is one of those darned niggly things that come up in therapy that can so easily morph into a bone of contention since you've got two human beings trying to relate.

Would it seem possible to bring it up with the therapist? Tactfully, of course? Say, maybe, that you're a little "confused" about it?

Just a thought. Good luck.

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Default May 18, 2020 at 01:59 PM
  #3
I see no reason to be tactful about raising the issue with her. I would be direct and tell her that you expect from her what she expects from you. She will know that she is behaving in a rude and unboundaried way, maintaining regular time is a basic cornerstone of talk therapy. It sounds like she is taking advantage of the fact that you can be flexible (and in the past have wanted flexibility for yourself).
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Default May 18, 2020 at 03:13 PM
  #4
Just ask her if a set time and day for your sessions can be made and see what the two of you can come up with together. Most likely this time, with the craziness of the pandemic/online issues, she has few clients with set times, so she's trying to work around a bunch of varying schedules. But, let her know your preference for a set day and time, come up with a plan, and hopefully that will be more set for both of you.
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Default May 18, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
I see no reason to be tactful about raising the issue with her. I would be direct and tell her that you expect from her what she expects from you. She will know that she is behaving in a rude and unboundaried way, maintaining regular time is a basic cornerstone of talk therapy. It sounds like she is taking advantage of the fact that you can be flexible (and in the past have wanted flexibility for yourself).


I'm sure you are right, ComradeMooMoo. You are perfectly right.

It's just that I tend to tiptoe so carefully around these things because I have an utter terror of conflict, especially with someone important to me. I was thinking about how I might handle the situation, in Wiggle 188's place.

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Default May 18, 2020 at 07:44 PM
  #6
I consider myself pretty flexible. My T does keep me on the same time and day about 90% of the time but I think some of that is because he fills up fast and doesn’t want to forget to save a spot for me. I have had other T’s though where it has been different every time. I gave one T permission to move me around as she needed to seeing as she was seeing me at a significantly reduced fee while I was in a rough patch. She only moved me once and gave me two days notice. Personally, I would not be able to deal with a T that frequently changed my time after it was scheduled. That just seems disorganized and unprofessional to me.

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Default May 19, 2020 at 10:59 AM
  #7
Is this with the same therapist? If so, I would speak to her.

I understand things happen and the need for clients to be flexible but your T seems to be changing your time quite a lot.

Also, it bothers me that she pulled you up (cf. your first round of therapy) because you couldn't keep a set time. How is that indicative of you not being committed? You seemed to have a valid reason and Ts ought to be flexible as much as possible. Yet, she dismissed your reasons because she 'liked' clients to keep the same time?! Her judgment seemed rather harsh and frankly, out of place here.

I would definitely discuss with her.
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Default May 19, 2020 at 11:07 AM
  #8
I think it’s the unprofessional element that bothers me - I wouldn’t do the same for a work meeting and that’s essentially what this is. I can be flexible and I don’t mind if there’s a genuine reason, but for it to happen multiple times seems off.

Session was today - at the beginning I told her what my daughter was doing whilst I was in the session, but about 30mins later she asked me again. I would have thought she’d remember? She also seemed not to be looking at me, but off to the left/right. It might just be how it looks on my screen, but it seemed that she was doing something else at the same time.

I’m not too sure what to think, but will see how next week goes and then make a decision.
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Default May 19, 2020 at 12:00 PM
  #9
Strange. All the things that bothered you would bother me as well, Wiggle. She sounds distracted when she needs to be focussing on each individual client at a time.

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Default May 19, 2020 at 12:19 PM
  #10
I would actually question whether she is committed to doing this work with you.

Being so.. distracted, inconsistent. That's rather unprofessional. Therapist burnout maybe?

I would ask her if she is still dedicated to working with you. She really needs to be more professional.
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Default May 19, 2020 at 01:13 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by Wiggle118 View Post
She also seemed not to be looking at me, but off to the left/right. It might just be how it looks on my screen, but it seemed that she was doing something else at the same time.

I’m not too sure what to think, but will see how next week goes and then make a decision.
That's because she's looking at the screen instead of at the camera, and your image may be in a corner depending on how she has it set up. I'm incredibly guilty of this when I'm teaching online live. Your instinct is to look at the screen because that is where you see the faces, but the camera is in a different spot.Unless I very deliberately force myself to look at the camera, my eyes are always in the wrong place. Try to cut her some slack on that one. It's quite possible you are actually doing the same thing and don't realize it.
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Default May 20, 2020 at 01:30 AM
  #12
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Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins View Post
That's because she's looking at the screen instead of at the camera, and your image may be in a corner depending on how she has it set up. I'm incredibly guilty of this when I'm teaching online live. Your instinct is to look at the screen because that is where you see the faces, but the camera is in a different spot.Unless I very deliberately force myself to look at the camera, my eyes are always in the wrong place. Try to cut her some slack on that one. It's quite possible you are actually doing the same thing and don't realize it.
Thank you, I did think that might be the case but it is not something I have noticed before. We have not met in person often, so using phones is not new to us. The vast majority of our sessions have been over the phone, but I often avoid looking at the screen.
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Default May 29, 2020 at 05:27 AM
  #13
Thanks all for replies to this.

I contacted my T yesterday to say that I would prefer changes to session times are kept to minimum. That I knew she wouldn’t accept the same requests from me and that without further information about the reasons for the frequent changes (which I understand she may not be able to share with me), it appears to be disorganised.
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Default May 30, 2020 at 02:02 PM
  #14
I am sorry this upsets you,
This is common with my therapist. We both have exceptionally busy schedules. So we cant plan a day and time to meet. We just text each other during the week “ does this day/time work for you? Ok how about this day/time?”
I do wish we had a set day and time. That would feel more settled and consistent. But our lives just dont allow that.
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