To Continue Or Not

So just before lockdown I began seeing a therapist through my work. I liked her instantly and felt like she understood me more than anyone ever has. Then lockdown happened which meant the only option to continue was via phone, which I just couldn’t bring myself to do as I knew it would probably create more problems for me than actually helping me as I have pretty severe phone anxiety.
I have been in a really bad place during lockdown with persistent suicidal thoughts and to be honest IÂ’m not sure how I’ve managed to get through it. I emailed the T to say I was really struggling and she replied that she was genuinely concerned for my welfare and she would look into when face to face sessions might be able to continue (she is employed by my place of work as a therapist for staff, so these decisions are not made by her).
She emailed me a few days later to say that from this week they could begin to offer a limited amount of appts and she would consider me to be high priority because of what state I have been in.
My appointment was today and as much as I was dreading going it was actually a relief when I got there. However she began the session by telling me that she could only offer me 12 sessions due to the demand they currently have for the service. I completely understand that this isn’t her decision, it is the management of our corporate resources department that dictates this kind of stuff, but I’m now not sure whether I should continue as I have major trust and abandonment/rejection issues and am worried that seeing her for 12 sessions and then suddenly having no support again may end up triggering these feelings. I think it would take me the 12 sessions to even think about beginning to feel safe enough to trust her and then ending it as I just begin to feel more comfortable will leave me feeling abandoned.
But at the same time I’m really not in a good place and I really like her and believe she may be able to help. Plus nowhere else is offering face to face sessions yet so this is my only option to get any kind of support. But I really feel in the long run it may be more damaging. She is somewhat aware of the trust and abandonment issues, although I don’t think she realises how bad it is, and she is sensitive to it and says it will be something to take in to consideration as we work together, but I’m just not sure.
Is it worth taking the risk short term even though I’m scared it may cause me big issues in the long term.

Does she have a private practice? Is there a way that she can see you outside of your workplace?

Years ago I met my therapist through an eating disorder facility but she also had a practice on the side. I eventually left the facility and saw her privately.

The 12 session cap is rough. It’s almost like you have this deadline to get “better” hanging over your head. That may lead to you feeling rushed and eventually frustrated. Did they say the 12 session cap is across the board? Will they eventually lift it?

She unfortunately doesn’t have a private practice, I did ask her as I was hoping she would be willing to do that as I know some of the other therapists do.
The 12 week cap is for the foreseeable future. Essentially they have seen such an increase in demand for their service over the last three months that to ensure they can offer support to as many people as possible they have capped the number of sessions. I did ask if some people didn’t require the whole 12 weeks, would it be possible to see her for longer as I remembered her saying in our first sessions that some people only needed support for very short periods of 4-6 weeks. But she said it didn’t work like that as if people needed less sessions this meant they could support more people more quickly.
It just massively sucks as I have never felt a connection to a T in the past like I feel to her. I saw my last T for nine months and already feel more comfortable with this one than I ever did with him. But that also worries me in the sense that I can see that I would probably get more attached than I should which would heighten the rejection and abandonment feelings after the sessions finish.

What an incredibly difficult dilemma to be in. I honestly don't know what I would do for the best and I don't think anyone can tell you as it needs to come from what you think is the best thing to do for your own situation. All I can say is that if you do decide to take the 12 sessions, maybe make it a priority to talk about your abandonment issues and how scared you are about the sessions ending and having no follow up. Maybe there will be options that you haven't thought about. This T will have a duty of care for you like any T and needs to be aware of what kind of state you could be left in after the cap so she can help you manage that and look at ways of dealing with it.

Personally I would go with the 12 sessions. Assuming that is one a week that gets you three months. A whole lot can change in that time. I would be very up front with her about the abandonment issues. I would also ask about if you use your 12 and have to stop what is the policy about when you can start again. Do you just have to go back to the beginner no of a waiting list, do you have to wait until the demand subsides? It is an understandable but I’ll thought out policy IMO.

I know my company has expanded something called EAP (Employee Assistance Program). Would it be possible (if enough people asked) for the company to add additional therapists? Are you in a union? I know my union reps went to great lengths to get us extra sessions.

Considering the demand has increased greatly it would make sense for your employer to keep up with it. I know 12 sessions are better than nothing, but for someone who needs longer term care — cutting a patient off at a certain point can do more harm than good.

Thanks for the replies, you’ve been really helpful and constructive and given me some good suggestions to think about.
I think I will go to the session next week and discuss this with her and make a decision from there. She has already said that she realises that the sessions could end up being more harmful than helpful if she doesn’t get it right and she wants to make sure that I’ll be able to cope until I can at least get some other support in place. So it seems she understands how careful she needs to be, but I know how sensitive I am to this kind of stuff so I think discussing it again is a good idea.