T, finances, pandemic...

LonesomeTonight · May 22, 2020 at 05:21 PM

Could you maybe share this with T, like in an email or something, to help him understand?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

T also does not see what he is currently doing with me as therapy or trauma work. From around 5th-9th grade I was severely neglected in ways that are completely triggered by the pandemic and the stay at home orders. We were just starting to figure out how to safely process that time in my life so it is not on my timeline with T and we haven’t really talked about it. Unfortunately I have also reverted back to handling the stress the same ways I did at that age... which was to hide it REALLY well. So T honestly does not have an accurate picture of how I am doing, he has no clue that I am basically totally reenacting that abuse... and I have not yet found a safe way of explaining it to him. Our “rule” is that my anxiety over disclosure is not to go over a 5 on a scale of 1-10. If I were to “just tell him” I would disintegrate to a level where I would likely need hospitalization (aka a 15 on that 1-10 scale). I have tried hinting at what I can with out overloading my stability but he isnt getting it and with me just hinting it isn’t fair to expect him to... it isn’t like it is normal types of abuse that one could just guess. Aaaaand... the “part” of me that is developmentally stuck there we call “13”. H HATES 13 and has made it completely clear she is not welcome in his home, he didn’t marry no 13 year old and he isn’t dealing with “her” BS. So... I have to know I can 100% contain between sessions.

Omers · May 22, 2020 at 05:26 PM

I think I have but I can copy that and email it to him Incase it is somehow different?

LonesomeTonight · May 22, 2020 at 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Omers

I think I have but I can copy that and email it to him Incase it is somehow different?

Yeah, just try to make it as clear as possible, especially the part that you're hiding it.

NP_Complete · May 22, 2020 at 05:50 PM

What would happen if you asked to be added to your bank accounts? It's hardly an unreasonable request since you're married. If the response is anger or belittling you, that's a red flag.

susannahsays · May 22, 2020 at 06:06 PM

I know you said that your H keeps forgetting certain expenses when you've tried to budget. That just made me wonder if the budget has ever been written down or not. I'm talking about literally itemizing all expenses ahead of time. If not, that's probably a good idea. It's easy to forget even major things, like food, if you're trying to hold a bunch of different expenses in mind constantly.

Omers · May 22, 2020 at 06:34 PM

I wrote out a budget with the days everything is due, the exact or estimated payment depending on the bill, how much was still owed if it was a time limited thing and all the info for paying them.
He will not add me to his account because I didn’t add him to mine, he says I established the pattern. Yes, red flags, lots of them. He is not a yeller but I am often (almost always) treated as a subordinate or a child. I was even told once I was lucky to have him as I could clearly never live independently and no other man would take such a person on.
Before meeting him I was a single mom of a special needs child that was going through rough times but always had a roof, food and the bills were never on “shut off” even if they were late and the house was messy.

NP_Complete · May 22, 2020 at 07:15 PM

I highly suggest that when you are able to get back out there and get a job, you open an account in your name only and deposit your checks in that account. Your husband sounds like an ***. You shouldn't be treated like a child or subordinate and have an allowance doled out to you. This is 2020 not 1920. He needs to fix his attitude.

Omers · May 22, 2020 at 07:38 PM

Thanks NP
I tried to talk to T last week about how seriously I should take what I am experiencing with H seeing as H refuses marriage counseling (I have a problem, he doesn’t have a problem so there is no marriage problem needing therapy). T stayed way more neutral than I expected. In the past T has very clearly stated how he believes any partner in a relationship should be treated and has shared his disappointment in Hs actions. T has, in the past, gone so far as to suggest how he would like to see me treated... but last week, when I got serious about talking about it, T backed WAY off referring me out stating that this is beyond his expertise (although he is a marriage therapist so that left me a tad confused). I was looking for at least another adult opinion/perspective regardless if it was a “professional “ one or not seeing as T is my T and does not know H.
Tonight is another surreal kind of night with H that I just cannot grasp so I know I am biased towards telling him to F off... but I think it would be best to wait, if possible, until I have the means to get a small apartment.

divine1966 · May 25, 2020 at 07:10 AM

Would you qualify for disability? And subsequently maybe qualify for subsidized housing (for yourself if you decide to leave)? If you can’t work, disability is a better alternative than relying on someone who cant figure out budget ?

Your husband sounds inconsiderate and not responsible (he controls finances but doesn’t pay bills on time?) but to be honest I’d not add my husband to my bank account if he didn’t work (or was on disability or some other form of financial contribution)... I wouldn’t. I love my husband dearly but if I was the only contributor I’d be the only one in charge of the account, now mind you I’d be pay bills on time

Do you have health insurance? If yes, wouldn’t it cover at least some therapy?

You don’t need your husband to take care of insurance aspect even if it’s from his employer. Our insurance is provided by my employer but my husband can call them and deal with them himself. If the whole thing is confusing (and it is and I hate dealing with insurances) call them and ask to help you figuring things out. You don’t need your husband for it, they’ll help you

Omers · May 25, 2020 at 07:43 AM

I do not qualify for disability. I have tried dealing with the insurance company but have had no luck. When we got married I was making more than H and we kept the finances separate. I worked (a different job) up until just before the pandemic. H does not want me working during the pandemic because even a years income (I would only be able to get retail right now) would not cover our health care deductible. And, given or deductible insurance would not pay anything on T until like the last two months of the term year.
I would have no problem with H completely handling the finances and even telling me we could only afford T so many times a month IF there was an honest to god budget. But like right now my phone is shut off for lack of payment and most likely will be off for 3 weeks. There is no reason on earth why we can’t afford these things. There was a year H was unemployed and at that time I was making $200 less a month than H is now and we had 2 car payments. Nothing got behind and I gave him spending money on top of his unemployment... so unless he sits down with me and explains something I am missing saying he sucks at finances is about the most gracious thing I’ve got. Once our unemployment offices open back up (they are approving/providing unemployment which I do not qualify for) and are offering resume services, job training and job placement services I fully plan on being there.

LonesomeTonight · May 25, 2020 at 08:40 AM

If he keeps missing payments, any chance he'd let *you* be in charge of finances? Or could you just set up automatic payment for most things (which is what we do). H is better at managing finances than me, so I let him do it, but if I were better, I'd want to be in charge, even if I made less.

Omers · May 25, 2020 at 11:41 AM

Sadly I am starting to have to face the reality that this might be intentional. No, he won’t even though they are in my name. I thought about taking them out of my name but then I wouldn’t have any warning...

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

T, finances, pandemic...

My Support Forums

Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	May 22, 2020 at 05:26 PM #22 I think I have but I can copy that and email it to him Incase it is somehow different? __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
	Reply With Quote

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,349 hugs given	May 22, 2020 at 05:50 PM #24 What would happen if you asked to be added to your bank accounts? It's hardly an unreasonable request since you're married. If the response is anger or belittling you, that's a red flag.
	Reply With Quote

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,349 hugs given	May 22, 2020 at 07:15 PM #27 I highly suggest that when you are able to get back out there and get a job, you open an account in your name only and deposit your checks in that account. Your husband sounds like an ***. You shouldn't be treated like a child or subordinate and have an allowance doled out to you. This is 2020 not 1920. He needs to fix his attitude.
	Reply With Quote

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,744 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	May 25, 2020 at 08:40 AM #31 If he keeps missing payments, any chance he'd let you be in charge of finances? Or could you just set up automatic payment for most things (which is what we do). H is better at managing finances than me, so I let him do it, but if I were better, I'd want to be in charge, even if I made less.
	Reply With Quote

Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	May 25, 2020 at 11:41 AM #32 Sadly I am starting to have to face the reality that this might be intentional. No, he won’t even though they are in my name. I thought about taking them out of my name but then I wouldn’t have any warning... __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
	Reply With Quote