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Member
Member Since Apr 2020
Location: UK
Posts: 179
4 23 hugs
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May 27, 2020 at 03:16 AM
#1
I don't.
Whenever I talk about something traumatic that happened in the past, my T always says 'it's must have been terrifying for you', 'it was horrible what you went through', 'you have been through a lot' etc. I really don't like people feeling sorry for me, including my T. I guess maybe it's just I act though all the time, making people believe that I'm strong, I don't like showing myself as vulnerable or weak. Or maybe I'm just not ready to accept what really happened. |
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 comrademoomoo
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
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May 27, 2020 at 04:36 AM
#2
I have had T’s that have said things similar to what you are saying and yes, it bothered me. IMO, you have no right, T or not, to label my experience. Current T is more likely to say something like “it makes me sad to hear that you had to go through that” or “I’m angry that situation wasn’t handled differently for you”. He states HIS feeling about it and then gives me space to express mine. I don’t always experience events the way he would have had he been through the same thing.
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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Amyjay
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Member
Member Since Mar 2020
Location: Wales
Posts: 197
4 269 hugs
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May 27, 2020 at 06:18 AM
#3
It does feel uncomfortable sometimes, depending on what we are talking about. Empathy is welcomed though. But I struggle to talk about things that happened most of the time, not because I don’t want to but I think it’s just stored in a different part of my brain. Or body.
Recently T said if I wanted to do active imagination with him, to imagine a traumatic event was happening, and that he would ‘go there with me’ and help save me from the situation. This would have sounded terrifying to me before, but for some reason I really do like the sound of that now. I know it will be hard and exhausting but I want to have relief from it. To be vulnerable and weak as you said, just makes us human. It’s ok to be those things, in a safe space. |
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Grand Member
Member Since Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 916
7 409 hugs
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May 27, 2020 at 09:38 AM
#4
I don't like it because I really don't want to admit it even happened. I also hate when he constantly uses the words abuse, neglected, molested, etc. Then there is the "r" word. I told him I hate when he uses those words.
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susannahsays
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Feb 2017
Location: the upside down
Posts: 3,808
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May 27, 2020 at 10:57 AM
#5
I appreciate it when it happens because it feels validating and I tend towards dismissiveness towards my own experiences.
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Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,014
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May 27, 2020 at 12:01 PM
#6
I like a T who is empathetic.
It is obvious when it is genuine and, in my book, empathy is not at all the same as 'feeling sorry' for someone. |
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Member
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: New York City
Posts: 210
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May 27, 2020 at 12:37 PM
#7
As long as it’s coming from a point of sincerity and not patronizing.
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Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,787
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May 27, 2020 at 12:41 PM
#8
I don't like being treated as fragile or broken or unwell; I don't respond well to pity.
My therapists knew that about me, so they took more of an active listening and validating of my experience approach rather than in any way saying things like they felt badly for me or felt sorry for me. I much preferred the straight-forward acknowledgment of my experience without any attempt to say they "understood" or felt for me. They validated MY feelings without interjecting THEIR feelings about my experience. In doing so, they maintained for me that idea that I had the strength to communicate, survive, and move beyond my history and didn't need to be pitied or treated as wounded. I'm not even terribly keen on the idea of empathy because empathy connotes a shared experience or understanding. Sorry, but it was my experience that I had to survive on my own and I preferred to just be validated for having survived rather than someone saying they understood or related for some inexplicable reason - they weren't there. They didn't live my experience. They can only guess. |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
5
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May 27, 2020 at 01:26 PM
#9
I want her to show me maximum sympathy! I want her to make me tea, to let me sob on her shoulder. I want her heart to break because of my internal pain and life hardship! I want her to rescue me and soothe me and love me with all her heart.
Except I couldn't tolerate any of that behaviour. I am repulsed when she makes moves of this nature. I would like to accept empathy and care, to hold things lightly and to allow love to happen. Today, she told me that I am cold hearted. I want to be made of warmth, but I am not. |
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susannahsays
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
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May 27, 2020 at 01:36 PM
#10
Compassion, empathy and validating I am good with; sympathy heck no.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
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May 27, 2020 at 02:06 PM
#11
All of you are very grown up.
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susannahsays
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,355
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May 27, 2020 at 02:49 PM
#12
I feel conflicted. The one I see does say sympathetic things sometimes - she's not the type to go on and on about it all the time whenever we talk about abuse. On one hand, I think I would be somewhat disturbed if she never showed any sympathy because that is how people usually respond to that sort of thing (whether people are usually genuine or not is another story). So if she acted like she didn't give a flying ****, that would probably strike me as strange.
On the other hand, my history makes me suspicious of anything approaching kindness. A big part of me can't help but think of kindness as a prelude to abuse. And honestly, I sometimes have trouble identifying abuse if it's paired with what I perceive to be kindness, so that adds another layer of confusion. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
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May 27, 2020 at 05:59 PM
#13
Quote:
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Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Underground
Posts: 2,439
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May 27, 2020 at 06:00 PM
#14
I do not be vulnerable in front of people. Any show of sympathy from t is responded to with an anger that protects me and keeps me safe.
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underdog is here
Member Since Sep 2011
Location: blank
Posts: 34,728
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May 27, 2020 at 06:14 PM
#15
The woman was not kind in any way and I haven't had anything I would consider abuse. There were times when she would get weird about stuff - which I suppose is par for the course with those people.
__________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. |
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