Overcoming shame in therapy?

Hey y'all! =)

I have this problem in therapy that I want help but I just can't talk about the things I want and need to talk about. I recently started with a new T and he seems very nice and caring and all, but at the same time something feels a bit off? Like we are not talking about the same thing and he seems to focus on things that I don't want help with.

And then I realised... of course I have this feeling of miscommunication - since I don't speak up about the things that really bothers me! Of course he tries to make up a plan on helping me with the things I have said is my problem. I haven't given him my whole story.

But the problem is that some things are just too shameful. There are somethings from my childhood that I have never talked to anyone about, and also some things in my life right now that I just feel so ashamed of. Like it just feels so impossible to bring it up.

I understand I'm not the only one feeling this way but I just don't understand how anyone can overcome the shame of talking about some things?

Hello thepowerflower: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Actually, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. There are things, both from my childhood, as well as my adult years, I could never talk about with anyone. This is one of the reasons I never really managed to find a therapist I felt comfortable working with.

Here are links to 8 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

6 Ways to Open Up and Talk in Therapy

Tips for Talking to Your Therapist

Therapists Spill: 10 Tips for Making the Most of Therapy

Overcoming 3 Common Obstacles in Therapy

3 More Obstacles in Therapy and How to Overcome Them

What Is Toxic Shame?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...d-toxic-shame/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tell-y...out-the-abuse/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hi Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I feel shame a lot, it makes me not be able to make eye contact or speak loudly and clearly. It can be really hard to talk about traumatic childhood events, it maybe more useful to talk about and explore the feeling of shame? Like how you feel it in your body.

Also, I know it’s so hard to make ourselves believe it, but whatever happened in your childhood was not your fault. A child can’t be held responsible for these things. I blame myself a lot and have to remind myself of that.

Hi, welcome!
My T would be SO proud of you for realizing it was feelings of shame keeping you from asking for what you need. So maybe even if you can’t talk about the exact things you want to work on you can talk about the feeling of shame just in general.

When the trust develops and you feel safe with him, it will become easier. Taking risks and being met will also help in terms of not feeling judged or shamed.

It's a matter of time and patience on his part.

Go easy on yourself.

I really second and adore @Omers advice on this post! Also, I totally agree with @MissUdy post in reply. Maybe slowly breaching your thoughts with T about what you really want to talk about by first talking in depth about shame will help. Let your T know that you want to open up and give him the whole picture, but the shame you feel is preventing you from doing so. Ask him to talk about the feeling of shame with you. As a therapist I'm sure he is well versed in that feeling. Maybe spending a session on shame will help you open that door 🚪 a little more to be able to walk through it and let out what you are holding in. A slow steady pace is always okay to take! Sometimes exploring the feelings around what you are holding in, but can't let out, is just as important to talk about and ends up being the right combination to unlock 🔑 those inner held thoughts/memories.

Thank you for sharing your honesty! I have been there and still carry shame myself. You really hit the nail on ths head when it comes to being able to explain feeling shame! I always have so much trouble just trying to explain that I have shame! A++ for your explanation alone. I wish your next few sessions with your T are more fruitful! You got this! 💕