Off-putting comments by T

My family and I immigrated to the US several decades ago from Eastern Europe when i was a kid. There are two comments that my T has made (at different times) that I can't let go of and they make me questioning continuing to work with her.

Comment 1:

T: I just want to check, is your family stressed about Trump being in office?

Me: Why specifically? (Because it was a question out of nowhere and we never discuss politics)

T: Because he's cracking down on illegal immigrants.

Me: My family is here legally.

T: Oh ok, I wasn't sure if they were here legally. Good.

Comment 2: (discussing my neverending anxiety over school that has been destroying my life)

T: You need to drop out. I know it's hard for you because you're the first person in your ffamily to have gone to college.

Me: I'm not the first person in my family to go to college. Almost everyone in my family went to college.

T: Oh, I'd assumed none of them had went to college.

Me: No, they did. My parents even have master's degrees.

T: I didn't know that. I had just assumed none of them had a college education.

The more I think about this, the more I see these as microaggressions and I don't feel comfortable working with someone who has these automatic ideas about immigrants and assumes they are here illegally and don't have educations.

As an American born white chick, as a culture Americans IMO are pretty ignorant of other cultures... there are always exceptions but we are pretty ignorant.
I know my T struggles to understand that despite being very Caucasian and having a Dutch surname my grandfather was Muslim. T has made some pretty crazy assumptions just based on religion. So we tend to revisit it each time my grandfather comes up in therapy. I’m OK raising T’s awareness of this as it doesn’t really impact my therapy and enjoy helping open peoples minds when they are willing. I understand how it could feel like a burden too, especially for you as your T’s misconceptions are more directly impacting you and the therapeutic relationship. Depending on where you are in the US it may be difficult to find someone well versed in diversity or who shares your culture. My experience has been that it was easier on the coasts than it has been for me in the Midwest... but then those are MY sweeping generalizations and assumptions.
If you feel comfortable I would confront the generalizations and maybe spend some time talking about your culture. I would also mention how the assumptions make you feel if you are comfortable sharing that as some people are not aware of how hurtful assumptions and generalizations can be.

Okay, I’m going to be extremely blunt here.
Your therapist is a BIGOT.

How DARE she assume that your family is here Illegally - even if they were, she has no right to pass judgment (which seems to be the tone of her comment).

Also, why the HELL is she bringing up that demagogue, man-child, xenophobic, misogynistic, sociopath who’s currently occupying the Oval Office? Is she trying to politicize your therapy?

Then to assume that immigrants are uneducated? WOW. She’s a real winner.

I would have ripped her a new one. Kudos to you for biting your tongue. But if it were me I would have called her out on her American exceptionalism card.

I’m so very sorry you had to listen to this. Her license should be yanked.

Is it really that difficult to find a therapist in the US who doesn't have a basic understanding of racial bigotry and who doesn't voice racist views?

This is really bad. Ignorance doesn’t excuse her actions, she should know better than to assume anything about anyone. Even if she was trying to provoke you in some way (not saying she is, but some therapists do things like that), it’s still awful. Would it be easy for you to switch Ts?

That's pretty gross IMHO. I don't think I'd be willing to continue working with a therapist who said things like that.

Your therapist sounds like she makes a lot of assumptions about people, which is a bad thing to do in general but especially when she is that ignorant. I also find it really weird that she would say "You need to drop out". That is your decision to make, and she shouldn't try to tell you what to do. I'd look elsewhere if that's an option.

I am glad to hear that my experiences are not the norm and that others have had better experiences.

That would really bother me, the assumptions in both cases. Because they sound very much like stereotypes. (If, with the parent thing, she'd said something like, "Oh sorry, for some reason I thought you'd said they hadn't gone to college" and seemed genuine about it, then...maybe?) Also, she shouldn't really be bringing up politics like that (the comment about Trump). And she shouldn't be telling you to drop out of school, either. I mean, if you were saying, "I think I need to drop out, but I worry I'd seem like a failure," and she said, "It's OK to drop out," that's one thing. But it sounds like she's suggesting it on her own. She just seems to be overstepping her bounds, in addition to being a bigot with stereotypes. I'm not even sure the "micro" part of the aggressions qualifies there... I'd look for a different T.

I was asked the same questions and was told similar and worse things by several random people. Some really ignorant and some pretty aggressive comments. Right to my face.

Not by my T. I’d not want T like that. It’s appalling

I find what your t said to be beyond distasteful. I'm sorry you had that experience. I would find it difficult to work with a T that was like that.


I've had the opposite. I'm a white female and people assume my first language is English. People assume my parents went to college and that we have always been middle class (which we are really like lower middle class...between my Dad and I we make less than the median income for our area) when in fact we lived in poverty for my beginning years. My parents made a total of $600 a month for a family of four when I was little and we did not get government assistance. I've been told that I couldn't possibly know what poverty is like. I've been told that I'm just a rich white girl who has had it easy her whole life. It's best if people don't make assumptions. One would hope that a therapist would know better. Then again, I'm also guilty of the biases of my education. I've never taken a geography class. Once when I worked in retail we had to write the zip codes or the country of where the coupon holder was from. The woman was from Czechoslovakia and I couldn't spell it and she reamed me one. I was like as an explanation after my apology to the woman I said, as a whole, I've found most people of my age group in America to be very bad at geography. Maybe I shouldn't have made that assumption!

Wow, that's a lot of inappropriate assumptions.

A T is supposed to leave their assumptions at the door and check things out before dumping their prejudices (or ignorance) onto a client.

I would not be able to work with someone like that.

Your T is an idiot. How hard is it to find a different T? S/he is making assumptions. To me s/he sounds rather ignorant of any culture other than her/his own, I can somewhat relate. I don't recall any similar incidents with my T. I can relate because I am American of Eastern European descent. Lithuania, Romania. Hoping you can find a T whose much more compatible with you.

I would not be able to work with your T. She seems to be pretty unaware of her own biases and prejudices if she outright just says stuff like that. I would be very disdainful and judgemental of a T who said something like that to me. I am SUPER intolerant of people who are prejudiced towards others.
I so hope you have other T options.

Awful. Dump that T.

I don't remember it ever being okay for a therapist or any mental health professional telling a client/patient what they should do like she told you to drop out of college. I haven't been in therapy for over a year now, but I distinctly remember my first T telling me during a session, after I asked her what I should do about a certain situation, that she can never tell me what to do or direct me to a certain answer. As that is not her role in my life or goal in helping me. She can only do such a thing when/if I were in a dangerous situation such as a domestically abusive/violent relationship or she felt I was an immediate danger to myself/others. I feel like she definitely crossed a professional line with telling you to drop out.

I would feel just as disrespected as you were when she made those false statements about your family. She is obviously ignorant of your culture/family. She definitely needs a session understanding your family history/origins/culture if you do decide to stick with her.

As for asking about Trump and you feel about him. I mean if that was completely out of left field for her to ask I would feel super weird about that too. I wouldn't have a huge issue talking politics with a T, but if T brought up the president/politics on their own and initiated that conversation than I would be weirded out by that because that doesn't seem professional in the slightest for a trained and educated therapist to do. That alone would make me question their thought process out loud to get to the bottom of that or choose not to see them anymore.

Overall I would say that if you really like this T than these comments would warrant a definite conversation. Think about it this way if you continued with this T without addressing your concerns would you be able to get over it in the long run to be able to fully focus on why you're in therapy or would those comments always eat at you in the back of your mind, and if you didn't address the comments and rectify the situation T will probably end up making similar comments down the line.

I wish you the best and hope this situation gets figured out and settled in your mind so it doesn't bother you anymore!

Wow what an idiot T. I wouldnt be able to lwt that go either. Thats extremely ignorant.