Affection, nurture, etc.

I'm wondering if anyone else has the same experience as me.

L and I have been talking a lot about affection, nurture, comfort, hugs, as well as, needs, wants, and desires. She brought it to my attention today that I put affection and nurture into my nervous system's "danger" category. I'll try to explain more:

I don't think nurture between to adults is normal. She disagrees with me. I understand when a parent nurtures a child, or when romantic partners nurture each other, but otherwise, to me, it just seems inappropriate and wrong.

(Please, I'm not writing this so you all can prove my beliefs wrong. Please don't fight me on my beliefs. L tried to do that today, and I just shutdown.)

L asked if I've ever seen two men hug. I have not. Or two colleagues hug. I have not. She asked how that would make me feel if I did see that. I told her uncomfortable. I told her I'm uncomfortable with our hugs also even though I want them. That I feel like I'm violating her, or stealing something from her. I also told her how I don't like hugging my family even though I allow it. She gave another example: two friends, one's sick, and the other brings over soup and rubs the sick friend's back. We determined that I think it's okay for me to nurture other adults, but not receive nurture from them. That's when she came to the conclusion that to me, recieving nurture is danger warning to my system.

My homework is to watch The British Bake Off? I guess there's nurturing between adults on that show? She wants me to document how it feels to see that.

I did ask my dad about this and interestingly he is sort of the same. He's never hugged another man unless they were European and it was part of their culture. He said he can't even imagine being friends with women, or a friendship hug. He did tell me he thinks I crave nurture because I didn't get that from my mom. And that the nurture I get from L will never be enough.

I'm just curious if I'm alone in this.

My therapist is Very nurturing and affectionate.
Where I live that is how many, many people are. A lot of hugs and a kiss when greeting, etc.

Has anyone here got cheated by one's own mother?

I feel the same way at least to some degree. For me it was a trust issue. A part of me always trusted their motives, worried about hugging too tight or lightly, of ending them with my perfume, etc. With men I always feared there was some sexual component. I LOVED hugs from women I trusted but still had my fears.

It changed when I met T she hugged me first weekly for so long I was able to put my fears aside. Then I joined a group of women who always hugged. So gradually I have become more comfortable with hugs. It will likely always be in the back of mind.

It's interesting that the examples you give all include physical contact. Can you imagine nurture between adults in a non-physical way? To pay attention to something, to tend, notice, encourage are not necessarily physical acts.

I've always loved hugs and other forms of physical affection BUT I would always feel that the person giving or wanting it was greedy or dirty in some way. It makes absolute sense given my background and I don't feel like it anymore but it affected me for years. It didn't stop me craving the hugs/affection though.

I am in a somewhat similar place. A while back my T accidentally showed me a picture of him holding his grandbaby. He saw the immediate panic and asked what happened. I explained that seeing him, a man, holding an infant made him seem bad to me. He was shocked. “Haven’t you ever seen a man holding a baby?” “NO!”. Honestly he didn’t even know where to start and I was clearly triggered so we did grounding work. Later that week H and I went to dinner... all of a sudden I was surrounded by men carrying babies! I had literally never seen it before because, for me, it was such a trigger. I went through event photos I had taken (I have done event photography in the past) and sure enough there are pictures with men holding babies (never as the focus but you would expect to have seen them).

I am 42 and T is, well, old enough to be my dad. Pre pandemic T started holding me if I wanted to be held during sessions. Sometimes it was fully adult me, sometimes it was younger aspects of me. Some sessions it was because I was scared or upset and sometimes I just wanted the attention. T was OK with my having a reason and even better when I did not have a reason. I have not had romantic thoughts about this T. We both agree it was one of the most beneficial interventions for me and we both look forward to when it can happen again.

I came from a family where the only touch was bad touch so my experiences with touching and being touched have always been very limited.

Yes, I guess I can see non-physical nuture between adult. Thank you for pointing that out. If someone tended to me, I would still feel uncomfortable.

Yes! My background also affects my uncomfortableness with nuture. I rarely recieved nuture in my life. I've pretty much only have received it from Ts. But even with Ts, it's felt awkward. I want it. I crave it. But it just seems so foreign to me.

I'm sorry you didn't receive nurture in your family as a child. It makes sense that it scares you now.