Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T:

How is anyone happy in this world right now? I don't understand. Please illuminate this for me. I don't understand how anyone can really have an ounce of joy right now. It just doesn't make any sense. Am I doing something wrong? What can I do differently? I take medicine, I see you, I go to peer support meetings. What else could I do? I just feel extremely isolated, lonely, and like I have 0 meaning in life right now.

ENT exam dates not released so I'm thinking there won't be a slot next week.

'This communicates so much...'

I cannot communicate whilst I am crying.
I hate Emotional Lost.

I still feel like you were mad and annoyed with me today.

Do you think I'm having a good time? Does it seem like that could possibly be true? Why would I choose to live like this? Please tell me, I really want to know.

That was some CBT ******** you were spewing today and I didn't care for it. Like I can just think my way out of this hole. Because your concept of my reality must of course be more accurate than my lived experience.

And don't state your perception as objective reality. What is not overwhelming to you may be overwhelming to me, and vice versa. Whether something should be overwhelming or not is irrelevant. My brain doesn't care about your rules for what should and should not cause me anxiety.

I typed up an email to you this morning telling you the rest of the answer to your question near the end of our session, then proceeded to make changes to it over the next 3 hours, and then ultimately ended up sending it to myself so i wouldn't lose it. i'm not ready to tell you yet that it's the relationship that i'm afraid of not just the work. i'm afraid of losing myself in it again if I come back to therapy with you. Cuz that's what had happened, I can see that now after being away for awhile. One session (yesterday) was okay, I wasn't worried about it, but how long would it be if I came back weekly before it happened again? I know I need to do the work i know those dreams were showing me that it's time to do my shadow work i know this. i feel this. i want to do it with you because you know my psyche so well and all but... i don't know how to not get lost in the relationship again. I don't know if that even makes any sense. I don't have any better words for it, I think I want to talk about it though. Because by talking about it maybe I can understand it better. I want to call you and schedule a couple-3 more sessions. I don't think it'll happen in that short amount of time...

Now I want to do something unhealthy because of our session.... I have no idea how I am expecting you to help me if I can’t help myself.

I don’t think it’s good though if therapy does this to me every time though.

Hey L. I'm going to call you tomorrow and tell you that it's also the relationship I'm afraid of but that I would like to go ahead and schedule 3 more video sessions. And in the next one maybe we can talk a little about why I'm afraid of the relationship and about why I can't seem to let you go all at the the same time. Aside from the obvious that I am a crazy weirdo. Heh.

I'm secretly glad I might not have to do the exam on the 17th. Final exam to get through but I'm struggling with studying and I just feel so exhausted.

From our last two sessions I really can't remember much of them. A sign that therapy is too overwhelming or maybe it's just me and where I am right now?

I'm getting silly butterflies in my tummy thinking about calling you today.
What's my ish anyway? It's just you haha

ps i saw your new video this morning. it's warm and welcoming. good job!

Before the pandemic, a week break would not have been an issue.
Now I feel a little different about it....and I would have thought you'd know me well enough not to spring that on me at the end of a really vulnerable session.

...Thanks for that. I'll get through, but because I have to. Not because I think I'm capable of it.

How dare you.

Hope it's OK to respond. But, ugh, that's the worst, when they spring a break on you at the end of a session. Hugs...

Whew, that wasn't so hard after all. I'm glad you answered and I was able to tell you that it is partly fear of this relationship and what I'm afraid of. Glad we were able to schedule for next week and the following week.

Dear T,
Ack, that dog was so cute! And you petting her was just adorable. Showed me a more nurturing side of you. Though I'm glad you weren't giving her little kisses or being like, "Who's a good doggie? You're a good doggie!" in a baby voice, because I'm not sure I could have dealt with that. So weird that I just had that dream of you petting a guinea pig the whole session--that didn't occur to me till after I'd signed off. And I totally almost took a photo of you by mistake because the location of "leave meeting" in Zoom is the same as the "take photo" location in Facetime (did that to my parents the last time). Wish we hadn't had all the technical difficulties, as they ate up probably 7 or more minutes of session time, but it was OK. I mean, seeing the dog was sorta worth it. Plus you let me go a bit longer. Hope next session isn't plagued with similar Internet/cellular issues.

And did you wipe away a tear near the end? Hadn't seen you do that in a bit. You seemed affected by my shame about not progressing more (or any at all really) on the whole "getting out of the house" plan. Will do my best to actually do that whole driving a little thing in the next day or two. It's tempting to drop that goal for now, which you said could be an option so that I don't feel the pressure or shame, but I think the potential benefits outweigh the fear/stress. I wonder if it would help to be on the phone with you one of the times that I do that? Like as part of a session?

Love you,
LT

You are the reason I feel like this. Everything is because of you. I somehow got clingy and needy and then it snowballed and I don’t know what to do at this point. The sessions tear me apart. I get into a funk after them and have SI all night. I just don’t know how much more I can take. Or how to approach you about this. But it’s been ****ing hard. You have no idea just how badly these sessions have been hurting me. Like you think you know, but it’s actually much worse then I’m letting on.

Oh L I am laughing right now. It's tickling my funny bone so. One of the choices we have for our first discussion post in current class it to discuss Attachment Theory. Oh boy. Yeah, you know I'm choosing this one!! Me=Poster Child of Attachment (to you) and all.

How dare you not check in on me!

Also how dare you threaten me with retirement!

You didn't know what to say, or how to help, and I don't know either!!! I know I need to stay in the present, but my present isn't where I want to be. I know where I want my life, but I feel overwhelmed and no one seems to know where to start?! Least of all me!! After we spoke, I took a shower, and ate. And it didn't make much difference. I'm frustrated that I can't seem to handle the overwhelming feeling. Why is it so hard?????

I'm frustrated and lost, and there are no answers. Maybe I.... No I want... I don't know what I want!!

Absolutely OK. In normal time, like I say, it wouldn't be an issue...but now...my support system has already shrunk.