Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I do whatever I want and you can't control me.

I'm a little worried about you. I miss seeing you in your office.

This existence feels like a stalemate. I have tried so hard to make more of it.
I was getting there, and now it's all been taken away.

'The wanting, the needing and the halfway having.'

The counselling center did send me a form which I have to fill in, but I realize I don't actually like having to deal with a middle person. I asked to see a particular T -I don't want to be "matched with the right therapist."

T H emailed me back- I'm going to leave it open for now.

Dear T: It was good to see you face to face on Saturday. Especially as that was a big day for me. I felt kind of rushed because I needed to get back to the vet for Esther but that was all me, not you. You were a little out of it though. Sometimes you were not making much sense. You seemed really, really tired. Sometimes I think you work too much. It was still nice to see you. Nice to know you are there. And you wore the flowers in your hair. Love that! Love you! Kit

I wish that you would wear flowers in your hair like Kit's t. Hmm, white ones. Or yellow ones.

It’s your fault I can feel things. It’s your fault I thought I deserved some real love in my life, to take risks, to buy my dog. Now he’s really sick I think and there’s nothing I can do. The anxiety of having to watch him constantly and every noise makes my heart pound in my chest. I can’t enjoy anything. If my lovely dog, the only being I’ve ever really loved dies, I’m definitely going to kill myself. That will not be your fault, just mine.

33 mins ...

You didn't seem interested in talking to me today.

I feel clingy. I don't know why. Maybe because you won't be available for whatever reason on one of the two session days next week. A week without support feels like a long time at the moment just because I'm feeling so depressed. There's nobody else to talk to about how much I'm struggling. Then again, that last session was a waste of time and I don't know why you think it helps to tell me how you're really worried the next semester of school will be a disaster. I am already anxious enough and it is not helpful to forecast failure.

I also feel miffed that it seemed like you didn't take my cyclical vomiting syndrome seriously. I'm not lying when I say that doing all those chores last night triggered the episode and it makes me even more anxious about increasing my activity levels. Heat is a major trigger and I overheat really quickly in the summer. And as I keep telling you, the reason I've been staying in bed all day is the getting up and doing stuff feels really overwhelming and anxiety-provoking. Anxiety and stress are also triggers. I realize I can't stay in bed all day, but it's not as simple to get up and do stuff as you think. CVS is incapacitating during an episode. I get such intense nausea that I literally wish I would spontaneously die just so it would stop. And nobody enjoys projectile vomiting where it's so forceful it comes out your nose.

Dear Info,

Congratulations. You’re the only professional who doesn’t seem to find me difficult and worry about some crazy-high expectation of you that you think I’m holding.

ATAT

I feel like I have forgotten you. I have forgotten how it feels to be with you, what your house smells like, and how you look when you laugh. You seem like a time gone by, not a person in my present. I don't like this, it reminds me of endings and I don't want things to end with you.


I will feel differently tomorrow and you will be back to being a wretch and I will be hostile again. Normal business will be resumed as soon as possible, please do not be alarmed.

i can't help but to keep picturing you with flowers in your hair now haha

Dear Info,

Why can’t I be a better person? Or one people find less difficult?

ATAT

Dear T,
It struck me tonight after I sent that email how you were part of why I squandered that motivation to get better after what happened near the end of last summer. If you'd been more supportive and less...I want to say "hurtful," but I know you'd just say "honest." But if you'd been to me more like how you are now.... Of course, i also keep thinking how none of that would have happened, not the thing with the concert, none of the summer ruptures, had Covid been last summer instead. And I also think how I was doing so much better and making all these improvements right before the pandemic. So I'm angry that it (the pandemic) happened and has gone on for so long (in large part because of our horrible leadership).

But I also feel like I could have made some of those changes sooner had you been different during those couple weeks when I really needed you...really that one week in particular. I wonder if we need to talk about that more? Or maybe I should just work on moving forward and accept that our relationship now is different than it was then...perhaps in no small part because the world is so different than it was then. I don't know. Maybe I'll just see where the conversation goes tomorrow.
Love,
LT

ETA: Or is it not so much that *you're* different now, but that *I* am? (Or maybe that's why the relationship is different.)

Dear T,
It just struck me: How much of that was my running away from you last summer vs. running away from the changes I needed to make?
Love,
LT

Feeling very drained today.

I woke up anxious.

Glad to be going back to London on friday. I still have a lot of general cleaning to catch up on.

Another thing that annoys me- The T H misspelled my name. It's only in the top of my email and the bottom of the other two emails I exchanged.

I feel really bad. I've been trying to sleep all night with no luck. Lying in bed, my mind wanders to really bad memories and I can't seem to make it stop.

This is so dumb, but could you maybe reply to my email and confirm my session in 2 hours? I'm sure I'm still on the schedule, but just making sure because we'd talked about Thursday.
Love,
LT

ETA: Thanks for responding!