Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
Thanks for being OK talking about the stuff from last summer and for not being defensive or anything. You seem to get where the miscommunication was now. It's weird that you assumed I meant your thinking I was joking when I asked if you were still alive--I assumed it was obvious that I meant the rupture at the end of the summer that led me to leave because of the topic. And thanks for saying you're open to talking about it more if I want/need to.
Love you,
LT

Well, the bank appointment is done and went well. I was all nervous. I don't know why, we've done refis before. I guess everything is just weird now. I dunno. Anyway thanks for not minding that I had to reschedule. Fridays might work better for me anyway since it's my day off. I wonder what you are going to think/say when I tell you I want to keep going through August. That homework assignment, yeah I'm still writing, so MUCH is coming up/out and I feel like I'm on the verge of finally stepping out from behind this good little girl facade. it's exciting and scary all at once and there's nobody else I want to walk beside me through this. Friday morning cannot come soon enough!!

I just read a really good quote: "Embrace failure as the reward of being in motion and getting through it."

oh t your new video - stop changing it dude - you look so, not like the you I know in this one! I think the previous one was better.

Dear T,

I know I wrote a lot. Please reply to my email, please be kind, please be validating. I'm worried that I've emailed too much, or that you'll note it's a long email again.

I see so much more right now. Countertransference is happening. Or is it transference? Anyway, why do I want to leave before my scheduled time? I see it in the other person's face and I told, then I ask them and I take action. I'm lucky that it didn't happen. I know I was hot, and sweaty, and..... Was I feeding off something I saw? Or am I afraid of getting hurt? Which seems to be a theme. What I wrote about, I'm seeing more in some relationships. Is what I'm seeing making me freak out? No that doesn't seem the right words. I know I need social relationships, that are in person.

I'm in a tough spot. I'm about to go back to grad school. I have a lot to do. And then I notice that I want to take off early??? Am I unhappy, or is it something with it feeling like.... What? Like I'm unwelcome and I am feeding off that and not putting up a boundary. Are my boundaries that weak? This will be an issue. You and I both know that any weaknesses will be know by the person I'm with, and that scares me. I know it is something to work through. So here goes.

I want to feel wanted, and needed. If I feel negativity then I want to leave. If I feel the other person not need me then I want to leave. It triggers something in me from my past. But what? I want to feel welcomed, and if I get a slight feeling that I'm no longer welcomed, then I feel forced to be there. It's like the hospital all over, when I force myself to get help because I'm scared. I'm fearful of rejection. And that is being triggered.

I didn't realize what was going on, and now this?! It makes me wonder if I can heal, go to grad school, work 20-36 hours and get self care in. And do training hours for work. And then make friends?! It seems too much. I can get up at 5:30am but will that be enough? Is this bring up fear? The term starts in a month, and I have an assignment due for an unfinished course before the term starts. I'm doubting myself. I keep hearing others from my past telling me I can't do that. I'm getting anxious and scared, feeling fear. I need to remind myself that my life is not in immediate danger. That this is temporary.

Am I doubting my choice? I'm listening to the stupid people of my past. How do I get them out of my head! Do I need more affirmations? Even if I can't stand/don't know how to get them to work. I need to work through my pain. Will it last? And then I notice my anxiety creeping in. Im scared that it won't work. I've always been told that faith is the opposite of fear. But I haven't fully believed in myself since I was 7, but did I really then?? I know this has been caused by my family, and how they grew up as well. I'm fighting a lot. And I live with my parents. How do I get away from my past? I really need to move out!!

I'm sorry I emailed you.... but I'm also not sorry.

Right now I am really missing seeing you twice a week.

Thanks for the link for tomorrow morning. And for saying you like my story.

I am still wishing that you would wear flowers in your hair. I don't know why that idea just captivates me so. But it does!! Maybe because it's kinda whimsical and you are so darn serious on stupid zoom.

Dear T,
Do I tell you I watched the comedy special you recommended? Because it's really funny! And also rings true, the stuff about his dealing with mental illness (I've tried most of the meds he listed, the thing about "what do you have to be depressed about?" etc.). And it's also kind of inspiring more to write about my therapy.
Love,
LT

Who would have thought that the first time I cried in therapy would have been because of something you said. You can be a real jerk sometimes.

I finished my homework last night, by the way. I wonder if you are going to be up for reading all 2,103 words of it, especially right on top of reading my almost-as-long story about little Artie meeting her shadow. The story was fun writing, the kind that pretty much writes itself. The homework was emotional writing and it took a bit longer to get on paper than the story did. The story was written in one evening; the homework, over 6 different evenings....

Thanks for asking if it’s something that can come back. Cause I didn’t even think about that. And now I think it is coming back.

Yet again, sky high expectations are my downfall.
I didn't cry in front of you yesterday, but that meant that I wept during my meditation before going to sleep.

I am so glad when you’re not overly nice and just help me without sympathy or pity.

thanks for much for this morning. it was a really good session, I had that one gigantic aha (and I loved it when you clapped haha!) and some smaller realizations too worked out while I was reading parts of my homework to you. I do like early morning sessions, when I am fresh and rested. Easier to tackle this stuff that way. Too bad you're not available next Friday, but that's actually ok cuz I have to go do my bloodwork that is now overdue anyway. Maybe 2 weeks will be good anyhow cuz I can keep writing on last week's homework, I've more to say, and work on getting my spiritual practice active again. I know you're right, I can feel that I've been missing that. I haven't attended a Saturday service with my animist group in 2 or 3 weeks now, been doing other stuff, but i need to make time for that, it's so important. It keeps me grounded between sessions.

Dear T,

I miss you. But I hated what you said, even if it was right. Maybe I will get sick and bad again just to not miss you anymore—I sure as hell hope not. Why is this all so hard?

-c

Dear T,
It meant a lot to me that you said we're in this together with respect to working on my drinking.
Love,
LT

Lots of travelling yesterday and I'm tired.

I think H is trying to hospitalize me.

T: I am not paying you for a 6 minute phone call.

edit: I also actually had something to talk about today. Figures. I am glad that you want to go back to a regular, scheduled time. That will help me.