Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I'm frustrated and furious at you for putting me in this stressful position and I feel foolish, because it me who is putting myself in this anxious state, not you.

And t, i really wish i could let myself come in there and do some sand trays. i also think non-verbal workings out would be good right now. but i can't and i wish you could understand that. if there's even a remote chance i'd be putting you at risk for getting sick again... just, no. i can't. i can't.

maybe after work today i'll get my paints out and do some painting. there were some square wooden boards in the packaging of the treadmill i kept them and am going to sand them and use them to paint on. if i come up with anything i like enough i'll hang them on the wall behind the couch where i sit for our video sessions so you can see them.

Our mutual hobby is giving me so much pleasure and life at the moment. I wonder how much of that is due to the fact that you shared your interest in it? I hope not, I don't want you ruining it at some future point.

Our first in person session in over 140 days will probably be spent mostly just staring at each other awkwardly seeing how much the other has changed over quarantine. Me especially.

Thanks for answering my email and showing concern. I'm glad pdoc wants me to get vitals done in his office this week to see how my blood pressure is doing

There's a balance between the openness that is necessary for me to get through this period of time, and 'laying it all out on the carpet', as my wonderful Canadian friend introduced me to a couple of weeks ago.
I can feel myself beginning to withdraw, in all kinds of less than healthy ways.

Dear T: I am thinking of doing the exercise you suggested. That's as far as I've gotten. Since you've texted me, I now want to text you. But I don't want to start that form of communication. I don't want to have to anticipate your next text. Wish I could hug you today. Kit

I really would like to talk to you this week. But I don't have any good reason for it. You can't make the damn pandemic go away. I am working on re-establishing my spiritual practice so am hoping that will help.


Anxiety sucketh.

Dear T,

Things are not going well. I hate studying and apparently I'm not good at it anymore. (Not sure when that happened--as recently as January I was a real champ.) I don't think this thing with J is going to work out now that he lives in another town. And my stomach hurts.

I haven't told you that I went off my MAOI for a few weeks (I went back on it a few days ago), that all of a sudden I noticed that I can drink 32 oz of beer in an evening and not really feel anything (before COVID I used to get drunk off of half a beer), and that I'm still picking at my skin literally every day.

Maybe I should just tell you. But you would be so mad.

-c

Sometimes i think there will be times where I will feel just s**t and it doesn't matter how much I talk-it won't change anything.

I don't have words for how I feel right now. Paying you £45 an hour to watch me cry won't solve anything.

I went back to the pharmacy to see X's brother and give him the biscuits I bought after putting it off since I came back. I also offered to work a few hours to just help out.

P.s I also did check on the Uk website I'm not required to self isolate despite travelling.

Dear T,
Just frustrated with life in general right now...The car thing...everything.

Love,
LT

Dear Dr. S, that was one weird session. I don't know what to think about forgetting our end of session routine. We've only been doing it forever it seems. I don't feel like the person that has that routine. I was really confused when you first did your part of the routine, unsure what you were talking about. Then it was ah yeah, that's right we do this thing. BTW that was pretty sneaky how you slipped that question in. I guess we should talk about it some.

I kind of feel like I should email you about the routine thing. I don't have anything to say about it. It's hard to care about things when you feel like .."as if I matter" Just tired.

I also feel dangerously close to a binge - the pressure is getting really too much.

Maybe we should see each other in person sooner than planned.

-me

Thanks for nothing!

I wish we were seeing each other in-person because husband is home on vacation and can overhear everything i talk about so I'll have to censor myself.

Of all the sessions to lose internet connection, it had to be last night, just when you said something that I took very personally and we were discussing my abandonment issues. Having the last 10 minutes on the phone on the one day you scheduled an appointment after me was really hard. Literally it was the perfect storm for a bad appointment. Thanks to tropical storm Isaias....

I'm feeling sad today. I just got the news that one of my old camp co-counselors passed away this morning from an aggressive cancer. I only just found out a few days ago that she'd been sick; we hadn't been in touch since camp years in the 1980's but I remember her fondly. One of my other friends from those days that I'm still in contact with let me know. I'm sad about her family's loss, anxious about the pandemic, politics/the state of our country right now, and feeling stress about all the changes h has us in the middle of financially right now and I don't 'see' you again until 8/14. I'm hangin' in the best I can doing more online circles with my drumming group every week, and continuing my "deep journaling" which is therapeutic in itself. I'm able to catch myself at the beginning of anxiety attacks now and talk myself down and out of them, it's not easy by a long shot, but I'm doing it. I felt one coming on just writing this post here and I stopped for a few minutes to just breathe and focus on the good stuff that's happening right now too. Like my 2 friends who just sold their houses and are now full-time RV'ers. And my son got a new(er) car to replace the old heap that finally broke down. And my Mom, at 80 is healthy and so far avoiding covid by staying at home. And you recovered from having covid. There's still lots of good things. I can't let myself lose sight of them.

I keep thinking about you suggesting that I come in person and do some sand trays. I want to of course, I do, but I just can't help remembering how I felt after coming there in June when you sent that email saying it was too risky and you were going back to telesessions, how I felt so guilty because I had come in, I was so afraid that I had put you at risk somehow by doing so. I'm not sick now and I wasn't sick then but as I told you last week there's just so much we still don't know about this stupid virus. I know you feel invincible now because you got over it and you have what you call the cure, and I appreciate the information that you gave me, but still, I do not want you to get sick again. It is not worth the risk and I can't do it.

Dear T

We’ve talked a lot about how eerily similar we are in terms of our personalities, attachments, worldviews and hobbies. I have often wondered if this is you just faking it so I would trust you so you could do your job as a therapist effectively. But it’s been years and our conversations seem to have been genuine.

We have bonded over the years about painting and now we’re about to venture outside the therapy room to paint together. Is this a bad idea?

I’ve always been good at separating the you I see in therapy and the you I see outside of therapy. I’ve always been able to make that distinction well. Will I still be able to do that when we do this?

Dear T,
Please be kind and caring rather than defensive in your response.
Love,
LT

Did I just annoy you? I can't quite tell.