Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Oh T, please get well soon. I love you.

Thanks for trying.

Is it silly to be disappointed by my father letting me down on something small?

School actually makes me so ****** miserable and I'm only one week in again. I feel guilty when I don't study and it ruins each moment.

P.s Saturday emails are very rare for you and it was unexpected yesterday. I feel kinda s**t as a person that i've decided to leave for now but not told you so.

Dear T,
Thanks for all the good insights today. And your saying you felt sad for me (and what appeared to be tears shortly before that)--it means a lot. How is it that about a year ago I was terminating? You seem like such a different T now. Or maybe our relationship has just evolved? I'm glad I came back. It sounds cheesy to say, but I wouldn't want to be going through this pandemic with any T other than you.
Love,
LT

Thanks for that non hostile really nice email yesterday. I was hesitant about sending you a weekend email even though you had asked me to send 3 food logs a week. I really needed that reply even though I didn’t ask at all for one. Sometimes I feel like you get into bad moods and you take them out on me. Then you are fine again and sort of feel bad or something. Replying on the weekend is something you never do.

Interesting phone call yesterday. It was very heartfelt, and candid. I appreciate your authenticity with me. I appreciate you!!! I love you.

I hope you can stay safe.

Thanks, Lemon

This PPE saga is draining. It shouldn't matter so much to me, but I've worked so hard for the sense of connection I felt...

Yawn. Everyone loves a drama. Get a grip.

Thanks for being so cool about the stuff I bought on amazon and saying “go for it if it makes you happy.” I’m not a weird person this transition has just been.... a journey.

Dear T

I mean I am glad that we are seeing each other and hanging out outside the therapy room. At least you can see that I’m not just this broken person who always cries that you always see in session. And now you also see how people react to me, so you know I have always told you the truth and in a way, you have a fuller picture and can help me better

T: I am so glad I heard from you tonight. I was convinced you or your family was seriously hurt/dying. I guess the relief made the SUI go to the back for a tiny bit?

Dear T,
Not sure what's up with my ET right now. I feel I can talk to you about most anything right now, but not that. The fact that I think the last couple sessions have been held with you in your bedroom (or at least *a* bedroom) probably doesn't help. I know it's likely just a confused reaction in my brain to feeling validated and understood, that it's actually paternal, but I feel weird having paternal feelings toward someone 7 years older than me that I'd consider attractive. So I'll just sorta push that aside as best I can and move forward with the therapy. I don't see how talking about this would lead anywhere good. Though perhaps it would help if you weren't wearing short-sleeve tops and inadvertently letting your bare knee show on camera the last two sessions while adjusting your position (clearly you were wearing shorts with the dress shirt). And the self-disclosure (though you didn't really do that today). I know what's going on here, that this my brain twisting the warm, fuzzy feelings of being validated--a need from childhood being met--into something else--I'm just not sure where the switch is in my brain to shut it off. Maybe I do need to talk about it, I don't know.

Love (and no, not like that),
LT

Will I ever see you f2f again? It’s been 5 months and I’m starting to despair. I feel like I can’t ask you every time we meet on zoom, you’ll get annoyed with me. Also, the other thing is probably fine, but I’m still scared. But less so than a few days ago, at least I can sleep again. August has been a cruel month—I hope September is a little better. I love you.

I totally wasted our time today.

I just wanted to see you in person. And I know I even told you the truth at the end of our time that it just didn’t work today. The walk was fine but we started late and I felt rushed (which I didn’t tell you) and there were just too many people around (which I did tell you). Seeing you with a mask was harder today then last time just because we didn’t get to really talk. I just felt overwhelmed by the volume of people.

Things aren’t going well. I came home after our appt and took it out on myself. I don’t even want to tell you, because you don’t feel like you anymore. And I know that’s my fault. So much is wrong with me.

I wanted to tell you how much is going on today but it’s hard enough telling you that I’m crazy, but I don’t want to risk other people overhearing me. So even with some of the things you were saying to me, it felt almost like too much because if someone overheard us, they wouldn’t get it. They would think I was totally crazy, even though you keep insisting I’m not.

I don’t want to deal with anything anymore. This is all too hard. But I don’t want to bother you because it won’t make a difference anyway.

I found this Tamil word for love, I think you'd like it. It describes how I love you, doesn't it? Would it make you more comfortable if I used this word next time?

"கைக்கிளை (Kaikkilai): This word probably doesn’t have an equivalent in very many languages. It’s used to express a romantic love that isn’t reciprocated by the other person."

No reply to my email. Thanks for that you hateful b***ch.

Ugh, I knew talking about such emotional stuff over the internet would backfire for me emotionally. One thi g O have learned is I dont feel the emotional aspect from you online like I do in person. I told you twice last night I hated talking about it this way. Today I am a huge mess because I didn't receive the comfort I needed that I was okay and not some big horrible mess of a person.

How do I tell you all of this. I know you would be okay and maybe even want me to text you but how do I say it inappropriate short text that a part of me fears you judged me. I know it goes back to my insecurities.

As we discussed yesterday in many aspects of my life I am feeling stuck. Honestly, teletherapy is also making me feel stuck.