Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I want you now damn it!!!! But no. I cannot of course have you at ****ing midnight. I doubt you would be able to handle me a nyway i fyou knew how truly ****ed upi reall y am. ****.

Well. After almost 9 ****ing years I am FINALLY reaching the point where I can show you exactly who I am and not nee dot be the good littel girl and trust that you will stil hel ;pme

Dear T,
Sorry for the cryptic email, but these thoughts aren't going away and I need to discuss them. I hope you haven't already done your morning emails, though I don't know what exactly you'd say in response. Probably just confirming my comment that it would be OK if you were a bit uncomfortable. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking I'm going to say I'm in love with you, hence my saying it's probably not exactly what you're thinking. Oh gees, I hope you now aren't thinking that I'm stalking you or something... but the way I wrote about it, you should have *some* guess, I'd think, that likely isn't that. Plus there was another time when I was being vague, and you assumed it was about romantic feelings, when it wasn't (that was nice and awkward...). I just keep thinking of how you said the one time that if, say, a client told you they thought you looked hot that day, it would "live in the relationship." Which I guess to me means the relationship would cease to be the same. But then, maybe that's OK? It's not like you said it would ruin it.

Maybe I should just sort of gloss over it. No, that would defeat the point, wouldn't it? But then, I don't need to go into *every* detail, of course.


Also wondering if you'd be open to using the chat feature in Zoom for part of it...
Love,
LT

5 weeks without you now exactly and £225 not spent. Sorry but I like having extra money .

I bought each of my two new groupies a chocolate croissant from the bakery this morning. Might carry on doing that on thursdays as it's nice to have things to look forward too.

Dear T,
Hope it's not weird that I added that little parenthetical, but I figured that's where your mind would naturally go. I really hope you say something to me this morning and this wasn't one of those mornings when you checked all your email at 7 am, so wouldn't reply till tomorrow.

Love (platonic!),
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for the smiley in your reply--made me feel more at ease.

Love,
LT

Please respond... ugh

Dear T: I think I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through. I want to just let myself go and spiral out of control and have to deal with the aftermath later. Of course I know I don't really want that, but it just feels like it would feel so good. HUG Kit

i should have tried that yesterday....

"good little girl" is nowhere in sight this morning and I am feel very much less than charitable about you at the moment. I wonder if conflict won't be as scary without her in the picture??

I feel like I should apologise for my 'What ****ing life?' comment, but on the other hand...Pandemic living is a life I recognise, and I never wanted to end up back there.

When I'm in retreat from the world, that is an unsafe position for me to be in, regardless of whether it's 'for safety'.

thank you for your response and for indicating that you indeed understand the poem. i'm still not feeling so good about what happened between us yesterday. but we can talk more about that.

My mood has dropped and I really miss you right now.

Not looking forward to class tomorrow.

I miss you too.

Soluble Lost is back, and I don't see you until next Thursday.
I really don't know how to do this.

Ok so I'm imagining you on this holiday (With your partner of course) and I am immediately jealous. Jealous that you have the time, money and freedom to do that. But also I'm happy for you.

If I imagine myself going there... I would eat the nicest food I could find, drink anything I fancied, have sex outside, sleep a lot and take lots of photos so I remember it all. Have fun.

Thank you for being you. We're working in the yolk now, i think?

You can be so lovely. I miss you.

Dear T: I'm really rather annoyed you didn't text me back. It was pretty much a cry for help sort of text. Even a crappy "thinking of you" would be something. Oh well, whatever. I see you tomorrow anyway. At least one of my friends texted with me yesterday and helped me sort out what I was feeling. Maybe you were too busy to text back. I know last time when I reached out when I was really unwell you said you had a couple of other clients that you were dealing with who were sui and you were possibly going to have to hospitalize them. I came second or third on your plate and you didn't have time to get to me. It's fine. Kit

Dear Pastor T: thank you for your really lovely, loving response. Funny because you aren't that way on the pulpit at all. Kit