Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

KLL85 · Jun 30, 2020 at 09:45 AM

With lockdown measures beings increased again I know this is going to mean the end of face to face sessions again. I can’t keep doing this, I need reliability and consistency and right now everything is f***ed up because of this virus. I am so angry.
I just need someone. Someone who cares. I want somebody to wrap their arms around me and hold me whilst I sob and there is nobody that can do that, and even without Covid I know that would violate boundaries. I’m so alone and right now I don’t want to stay in a world that is so messed up. I want to email you but what would be the point? You can’t stop what I feel.

darkestpart · Jun 30, 2020 at 10:58 AM

s,

i really like you. wish i had met you before i started seeing t. so many wasted years. thank you. thank you. thank you!

me

MissUdy · Jun 30, 2020 at 07:00 PM

I’m really sorry if I said something to upset you today. If it was about being understood, I know you understand me as best you can. But you can’t post videos about why we are all fated to be lonely and then expect me to feel all loving and connected, can you? I cried when I watched it, and then didn’t message my friend because we are all alone and no one can really understand us like you said. I miss you.

junkDNA · Jul 01, 2020 at 04:42 AM

Talking with you 2x a week is helpful for me. I'm glad you are willing to "meet" twice a week again. I'm sorry that I've made you worry and feel sad that I've been struggling. But things are doing better now and I'm taking my medications

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 01, 2020 at 09:49 AM

Don't know how to feel about your silence in the wake of my most recent email.
I know we'll talk about it tomorrow, but I would have appreciated an acknowledgement.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 01, 2020 at 11:38 AM

I am feeling overwhelmed and impotent and I wish I could talk to you 3x a week right now. But considering I still also feel like I can never face you again, this is a conundrum. I need to find a new t.

zoiecat · Jul 01, 2020 at 12:02 PM

Thank you for really starting to listen to me. Or, maybe it is finally that you are compromising and showing me that you are listening. I am working so hard and I know you have always acknowledged that but I am finally starting to see some progress in myself. I know have always wanted the best for me and have never given up. I know I have not made things easy for you and I appreciate you telling me that I should only trust you as much as I feel comfortable with. Thank you for admitting that you screw up sometimes and thank you for trying to change your ways and fix those mistakes. I know I still have a mountain to climb, but together we make a good team.

puzzclar · Jul 01, 2020 at 02:52 PM

You didn't know what to say yesterday. And that bugs me. It's like there was so much I that email that you had a hard time formulating words.

I'm going to try another approach to setting goals. I'm hoping it will help.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 01, 2020 at 05:04 PM

Dear T,
Sorry for the pathetic email, but that's sort of where I'm at right now...

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 01, 2020 at 05:23 PM

hugs LT. pathetic is rather where I'm at right now too.

Echos Myron redux · Jul 01, 2020 at 06:05 PM

Well, you just made the 4 year old want you more. Do you have to be so sweet and loving?

ArtieTheSequal · 07:43 PM

That was super-duper hard you know. i honestly didn't think i would be able to face you again. my guilt complex is one hell of a nasty beast that pulls me under so deep. you saw just how deep, that I wasn't even there for a few minutes. Who DOES live at the center of it?! I don't ****ing know but whoever he is scares the living hell out of me. You asked me how I finally got out of it, all I could think of was by sheer force of stubborn will. You asked what I saw - I said I did not see myself - but I felt oh how I felt and I did not like how I felt and I used my stubbornness to force myself to look at your face on my screen and to force my body to stop fidgeting and to push words out of my mouth even though the guilt monster was trying to clamp my mouth closed. Damn, L. That sucked. My shadow is terrifying. And now it is storming outside, how ****ing fitting. Thank you for sticking with me through that mess.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 01, 2020 at 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

Well, you just made the 4 year old want you more. Do you have to be so sweet and loving?

I am relating to this. My birthday is Saturday and when L asked me a few minutes ago during my session which birthday (she thought I was 55, bless her heart) I said that today I was feeling 58 going on 5.

ArtieTheSequal · 09:02 PM

oh and L, do NOT ever call me that word again. I don't care if it IS my shadow. Don't do it. Just, don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SlumberKitty · Jul 02, 2020 at 11:26 AM

Dear T: Thanks for randomly texting me out of the blue letting me know you are thinking of me. That was sweet. It was also a little strange. I'm mostly pleased that you did that, and a little puzzled. It seems weird that you were the one to initiate contact, but then, it was such a nice contact. Confusing feelings, T. Confusing feelings. Wish I could see you in person. Kit

Lemoncake · Jul 02, 2020 at 01:33 PM

Maybe it would be better to go back down to one session a week for the rest of july before you leave for august.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 02, 2020 at 01:56 PM

even though you upset me yesterday by calling me that word I cannot abide and i was who knows where for awhile and it was so hard and uncomfortable all the way around I still wish I could see you more than once a week the rest of this month because if I did, we could probably power through this ****. but you only gave me 2 more sessions - in 2 weeks and then 2 more weeks, and I didn't ask why. Maybe you're finally sick of me and wanting to get rid of me for good. I hope so. I really hope so. Because that would mean that you wouldn't send me emails like some ambulance chaser that make me want to come back. I never would have called you this time - if you hadn't emailed letting me know you were available.

And, you were really hard on me yesterday. i hope it was just your version of tough love or something. We'll see what happens in 2 weeks and I may or may not cancel the one after that. I mean ****, I can beat myself up way better than you can and save the hundred bucks.

susannahsays · Jul 02, 2020 at 03:13 PM

I hope you don't have COVID... I feel like grilling you about your symptoms but that would be inappropriate. Besides, seems like everything is possibly a symptom of COVID.

MissUdy · Jul 02, 2020 at 06:08 PM

You said you messaged me accidentally on purpose and that the unconscious makes us do things like that sometimes, That nothing is really and accident....and that you were glad you did it. Then you did it some more. Now you ignore it completely. How can this be about me? What is going on please? Who logged in to my account and removed everything? I’m so upset and confused and now I don’t have you to turn to.

ArtieTheSequal · Jul 02, 2020 at 09:19 PM

I sure hope things go more smoothly when we talk again in 2 weeks.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

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darkestpart Member Member Since May 2017 Location: US Posts: 66 6	Jun 30, 2020 at 10:58 AM #242 s, i really like you. wish i had met you before i started seeing t. so many wasted years. thank you. thank you. thank you! me __________________ Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 04:42 AM #244 Talking with you 2x a week is helpful for me. I'm glad you are willing to "meet" twice a week again. I'm sorry that I've made you worry and feel sad that I've been struggling. But things are doing better now and I'm taking my medications __________________

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,219 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 11:38 AM #246 I am feeling overwhelmed and impotent and I wish I could talk to you 3x a week right now. But considering I still also feel like I can never face you again, this is a conundrum. I need to find a new t.

puzzclar Elder Member Since Jan 2010 Location: Where? US Posts: 5,621 14 101 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 02:52 PM #248 You didn't know what to say yesterday. And that bugs me. It's like there was so much I that email that you had a hard time formulating words. I'm going to try another approach to setting goals. I'm hoping it will help.

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,731 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 05:04 PM #249 Dear T, Sorry for the pathetic email, but that's sort of where I'm at right now... Love, LT

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,219 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 05:23 PM #250 hugs LT. pathetic is rather where I'm at right now too.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,157 6 1,833 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 06:05 PM #251 Well, you just made the 4 year old want you more. Do you have to be so sweet and loving?

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,219 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jul 01, 2020 at 07:45 PM #254 oh and L, do NOT ever call me that word again. I don't care if it IS my shadow. Don't do it. Just, don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jul 01, 2020 at 09:02 PM..

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,691 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jul 02, 2020 at 01:33 PM #256 Maybe it would be better to go back down to one session a week for the rest of july before you leave for august. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Jul 02, 2020 at 03:13 PM #258 I hope you don't have COVID... I feel like grilling you about your symptoms but that would be inappropriate. Besides, seems like everything is possibly a symptom of COVID. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,219 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,754 hugs given	Jul 02, 2020 at 09:19 PM #260 I sure hope things go more smoothly when we talk again in 2 weeks.