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WastingAsparagus
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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 09:59 PM
  #261
Dear T:

I feel like calling you tomorrow about my decision-making. I guess I don't know why I make big decisions so often, but I'd like to at least talk about it with you.

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ArtieTheSequal
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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 10:03 PM
  #262
then again, perhaps, this is the way it has to be right now.
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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 10:16 PM
  #263
Long term T, I miss you like hell. Today as I was leaving work I needed to go the way I use to go when I had an appointment with you. I had this tingling moment and felt like I would see you for a moment. Then reality hit. The last week alphas been really hard. Current T has been great, but I can't help but want to compassionate understanding and hug. The realization that it will never happen again is really painful. You always encouraged me to trust EMDR T and I do. She is great but she will never be you. How do I move on?

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Default Jul 02, 2020 at 11:34 PM
  #264
Hey T: I'm a little worried we didn't talk today. Hopefully we will tomorrow? If not, you forgot me I guess.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 01:41 AM
  #265
Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal View Post
even though you upset me yesterday by calling me that word I cannot abide and i was who knows where for awhile and it was so hard and uncomfortable all the way around I still wish I could see you more than once a week the rest of this month because if I did, we could probably power through this ****. but you only gave me 2 more sessions - in 2 weeks and then 2 more weeks, and I didn't ask why. Maybe you're finally sick of me and wanting to get rid of me for good. I hope so. I really hope so. Because that would mean that you wouldn't send me emails like some ambulance chaser that make me want to come back. I never would have called you this time - if you hadn't emailed letting me know you were available.


And, you were really hard on me yesterday. i hope it was just your version of tough love or something. We'll see what happens in 2 weeks and I may or may not cancel the one after that. I mean ****, I can beat myself up way better than you can and save the hundred bucks.
Artie bean,

Could you ask her for an extra session? She might just have assumed wrongly you're okay with one a week

.

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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 04:23 AM
  #266
Thank you.

The Critic has been wittering about your use of the word 'despair', as if I was the one to use it.
Just because I don't want it to be true...that doesn't mean it isn't.

I am in a great deal of emotional pain at the moment.

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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 01:12 PM
  #267
I am really, hideously depressed, and you are on vacation. Sigh.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 02:03 PM
  #268
You need therapy.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 03:44 PM
  #269
You did forget me didn’t you? I feel sort of bad for texting, but at least we’ll talk soon.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 07:45 PM
  #270
i had a long kinda complicated dream last night. and this morning after i wrote it all down, i spent some more time writing a story about little artie and her shadow. it's going to be a long 2 weeks but don't worry I am not going to bother you. You didn't give me any options re: the scheduling so I'm assuming that means there aren't any.
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Default Jul 03, 2020 at 08:50 PM
  #271
Dear T,
I feel like you care more about my well-being than my H does. Or at least you consider aspects of it that likely wouldn't even occur to him. I know you're a professional, so it's more natural for you to consider some of that stuff. I still think it's a problem. Not in the sense of ET, because I think I generally don't have that toward you, aside from fleeting moments. But more in the sense of...my H *should* consider some of that stuff. He should be more concerned about my emotional well-being. You don't react that much to my crying, but you still seem to react more than he does. I'm pretty sure I've seen you wipe away tears in response to things I've said, most recently today. I haven't seen H do that, even if I'm sitting here on the couch sobbing.

H yelled at me tonight (and at D), so that's likely coloring some of this. My brain jumps to emailing you, but it's a holiday weekend, and we just had an email exchange Wed-Thurs. I'll just try to tell myself what I think you'd say to me. And then maybe we can talk about it Monday, unless more pressing matters have come up by then.


And, OK, I keep thinking about how you looked almost stricken when I said how I appreciated what you said in the email, how I'm not alone and how I read that to be how this is affecting so many people, and that I appreciate you suggesting that it's affecting you, too. I would have discussed what I sensed from your reaction, but it was the end of session on a holiday weekend. Still, I guess I just wished you'd said, "I'm glad it was helpful." I feel the times you reveal some of yourself, put yourself out there a bit, it's like I need to just appreciate it without acknowledging it to you. I wish you could just understand and accept how it helps me, without making it into some other thing. Because if I say something, then you might get all weird. It's OK to let yourself out there a bit. It doesn't make this like it was with ex-MC. It's a very different relationship. And I value it.
Love,
LT
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 10:04 AM
  #272
Still having a difficult landing after Thursday's conversation.
Finished work, deep breaths, don't give in to the wave of feeling.
All this crying feels really ****ing childish.

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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 04:20 PM
  #273
L, I did the piece of homework re: what i want to do today for my bday. I have already done 2 of the things. The 3rd will be as soon as h wakes up from his nap, we're going to drive through our local National Park and then my son and his gf are coming over and bringing dinner that we will share outside on my patio in a socially distanced fashion.


I am grateful for your being honest with me this past week even thought it was a really tough session.

Last edited by ArtieTheSequal; Jul 04, 2020 at 07:14 PM..
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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 05:37 PM
  #274
This weekend has been ok so far. I’ve been doing good with my mindfulness and not worrying too much. I’ve been sleeping better and I told you that was the problem. I’m not sure how to bring up the SI on Wednesday night and the bad physical affects I had from it. They were pretty bad Wednesday night and all day Thursday. I’m not sure you necessarily have the power to hospitalize me 5 days later. But last time this happened I think you said you would if it happened again. So I’m not sure. I hinted at it in the couple emails I sent. You’ll probably have questions. You want me to be honest. I know.

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Default Jul 04, 2020 at 08:08 PM
  #275
Dear Info,

Outwardly just fine. Struggling badly inside.

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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 02:06 AM
  #276
I've existed in a kind of haze since Thursday afternoon.
Whatever it is that I am becoming right now is almost too much.

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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 04:29 AM
  #277
Now, do I or don't I? I keep changing my mind..

Does it even matter? Would you even care?
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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 04:39 AM
  #278
I don't want you to go away on holiday.


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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 06:30 AM
  #279
I am afraid of the person I am becoming. Having feelings is hard, which is why I prefer not to, if I can possibly help it.

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Default Jul 05, 2020 at 11:26 AM
  #280
A-W-F-U-L awful.

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