Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
One of the things you said to me about D really resonated. I think we need to talk about it more on Friday. Also, session felt like it went by really fast today. Like, too fast. And I really don't like that shirt you were wearing, but it still ranks slightly above one other shirt you have. Maybe I just like you in darker colors?

Love,
LT

I wish we were talking today. I know, I know, I could have just asked. But I didn't want to because you told me these dates, you didn't ask, and wouldn't you have offered it if you were available? And besides I guess I don't wanna hear "no"... I have done so much thinking in the past week and am ready to talk about it. Even your use of that particular word that starts with c. It was bad enough when you said I was being coy awhile back, but this new c word is even worse than that and I hate it even more. But anyway you know me, I do my thinking through my fingers typing in a word doc, so I'll just email that to you before we start next week.


Since my 'normal' time would have been in 5 minutes, I'm going to finish that story I started last week about Little Art and the shadow monster.

You told me yesterday that I was important, and I know you meant it in the global sense that everyone is important, but it meant something coming from you.

T,

Thank you for staying with me when perhaps most people would walk.

Just wanted to let you know that I do have good internet connection in Antigua, so I could make today's normal session time.

The old me of 3.5 years ago wouldn't have come back to discuss this and just carried on acting out. You haven't done anything wrong just told me that you were going away.

why am i awake thinking about you at 1:49 am

Dear T,
Part of me wishes you did have availability today, but part is also somewhat relieved that I won't have to make the decision of whether to see you today instead of tomorrow, then have a longer period between sessions. I appreciate your saying that you could have added a session to your day if it was an emergency, as that makes me think it's something you'd be able to do in the future, too.

Love,
LT

How long do I have to keep on ignoring your email until I get checked up on.

Remember how you said I need to try on the idea of making a big mistake and then being responsible for it? You're right of course. I did make a huge mistake like 10 years ago that contributed to our bankruptcy and yes, we've worked our way back from that. BUT I have not yet forgiven myself. Oh, I take responsibility for it, but that's all I have done, taken responsibility and then stopped there with blaming myself for the entire mess even though my mistake was only a part of it. I don't know how to forgive myself and I'm afraid as hell to make anything but little decisions ever since. So I'm frozen in my fear and will stay stuck here forever if I can't figure out how to forgive myself for that. Things are happening h is wanting to make some financial moves with our savings and I am petrified of it being a mistake. He's a bit pissed at me for not trusting him because he did get us out of that giant hole we were in - 10 years ago when we filed bankruptcy and lost our house, we came out of it with pretty much nothing - except ourselves, our clothes, a few pieces of furniture and our old cars. He even had to sell off his mother's coin collection that he had inherited. And now we have a house and 2 newer cars and a houseful of stuff and we can take little vacations here and there and go out to eat sometimes and we have savings in the bank. We've worked hard together to get to this point. So I need to forgive myself already and trust him that he's got all the angles figured out and is not putting us at risk. Part of me, my logical brain, understands it is not as scary of a thing as my emotional brain is making it out to be.


I really should talk with you about all of this. There's so much in my head right now. I wish we had been able to talk this week. Next Wednesday seems forever away.

Dear T,

Last session was incredibly valuable for me and it meant a lot that you mentioned wanting to hug me after my confession... stupid Covid. :P Thank you for being validating and understanding what I needed before I knew I needed it.

I am still trying to figure out just exactly how I am supposed to find out who or what is at the center of my guilt complex. Has it grown from my lifelong need to be the good little girl and continuously push away my shadow parts? Is that why I have never truly "grown up", because I need those parts that I pushed away and continue to deny in order to grow up?! Damn it why couldn't we talk this week. 15 is stomping petulantly.

Why did it take more than 8 freaking years to get to this?!

T thank you for telling me it is okay to rely on you when I mentioned my fears. Also telling me you support my decisions around medications. You have been such a huge help when the S@<+ hits the fan.

Pdoc thank you for not only returning my call but also spending 40 minutes really talking and listening to me so that we could make a well informed decision on meds.

I really do have the best team working with me. If only I still had long term T.😪😭

I think I might need a new therapist

You're too beautiful, it's unfair

Urgh well that session was a disaster wasn’t it? All of my childish attitude could have been avoided if you would have just said that you cared. Telling me that I need to take responsibility of caring for myself when I said to you I felt alone and like nobody cared about me was not the correct response. I will shut down and refuse to engage effectively and act like a moody teenager, don’t think you were expecting that though were you? I think you’re beginning to see how challenging I am as a client. When you asked whether I was feeling anger and I said no, I was lying. I was beyond furious but why should I bother trying to explain that to you. You did handle the anxiety attack fairly well though. I think I’m probably just trying to stop myself from getting hurt by pulling away and self sabotaging as I know I only have 4 sessions left with you. Might cancel them as I really can’t be bothered with all of this anymore. You’ll be glad to be rid of me anyway.

Today would be your 71st birthday. 😭😭 I am so thankful I was a part of the last 10 of them. Happy Heavenly Birthday.

When you asked me what I needed yesterday, the futility of that question made me angry.
What I need at the moment is not available to me.
We are doing our best, but all deep breathing really does is take the edge off.

Feel like I told you too much.

I hope you email me back and I can calm the **** down