Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

that's a great idea. thank you.

I do secretly know that you don't really think or feel anything about me. I just don't want to admit it, because then I would be admitting that you don't love me and I don't matter to you and that would ruin me.

THANK YOU so much for today. I feel so much better about everything.... I'm sure it was exhausting listening to my word vomit but damn i needed to get that out in the worst way. Next week, back to the deep diving though, cuz I've been working with a memory that I think I need you to be a witness to.

I'm dying and you don't even know it.

T: Fri seems too far away.

T, are you getting sick of me since you've been so firm lately?

Dear T, thank you for sticking with me.

Dear Ex T,
I hate you. You never cared and my heart feels like it has been shredded in to tiny pieces. I can’t face this world anymore. I just want to die.

Dear T,
You probably expected me to address some stuff from Monday/Tuesday today. But I really just needed empathy for my distress the online school stuff in particular and Covid in general. And I got that. So, thank you. And I also felt better that you mentioned school expectations seeming too high for your son, too. Because I was afraid you'd be backing off entirely from any self-disclosure because of what we discussed. But stuff like that helps me now. Knowing it's not just me, that you're down in the trenches with me.

Love,
LT

I really want to share the first David Whyte poem I ever came across with you.
I think you'd get it, but I'd have to share it from another source, because it's not on YouTube, and I don't feel...right about sharing content from Facebook with you.

(I want to share a recent reading, so that you can experience a little of what I experience every Sunday at the moment, which has a profoundly healing impact on me.)

I don't know how to tell you that the nightmares I've been having are directly about what we're doing in therapy. And it's not trauma work...it's the positive thinking challenge. I guess my mind is fighting back. Or maybe I feel like I'm already "finding strength from deep inside" and that's how I've stayed alive.

I found a pair of disposable gloves I figure I can wear next week, if I decide to do a sand tray. That way I'm still not touching anything. Right?

Dear T,
I went out today, like you suggested. Part of me wants to email you and tell you. But it can wait till Monday. Thanks for pushing me to do that, even though the "doctor's orders" was a bit cheesy. I do think it helped encourage me to go today instead of just pushing it forward. It was almost like old times, going out for a couple beers after a therapy session. Not that it was the healthiest thing to do, then or now, but it made things feel slightly more normal...

Love,
LT

...and now I just read that Ginsburg just died, so it's all gone to hell again...

2020 sucks monkey balls.

well L, it's clearly obvious that GLG, while she is still affecting me in some ways, has absolutely no interest in my grades anymore! Ha. Apparently because I didn't stress myself out about trying to be perfect on the assignment I turned in today, I missed addressing something, and lost 2 points. I still got 18/20 so I'm not going to worry about it.


Honestly it's been a stressful week and I just plain didn't feel like spending a lot of time on this assignment, and without the pressure of GLG - I didn't.

we need to talk more about that other core fear that was revealed in that one poem. i started to the other day but somehow got off track. i wish i could have a 4 hour session. just kidding. kinda.

Dear T: How on earth will I make it to Tuesday? I'm seriously worried.

Hey,

Thank you for all the times you've been there for me, but I'm sorry I just can't do therapy right now. Please cancel my upcoming session this friday.

Love,

S---

P.s I did love the extra £0.50p discount per session but it felt right to pay the full amount.

Dear Dr. S,
Regarding seeing each other in person - I don't think you understand how much of that is in your court. Short of whatever time limitations my job has on me, I've pretty much gotten to the place of whenever, whatever needs to happen to make it happen, I'll do it. If I had my way, we'd meet in person, in your office, sitting on the opposite walls with no masks. But, it's not up to me or solely me. And it impacts more than just you and I. If you see me in person that way, then you need to be open/able to see others which like any communicable disease becomes a multiplying factor. Me to you to them to each of the people we interact with. I think I've reached the cold place of not caring... or maybe it's more the place of willful ignorance (not sure if this is the right phrase). The place where I know the risks and I choose to not think about them because I want what I want and I'm going to do that wanted item. This is not the same as the calculated reward outweighs the risk or the place of knowing the risks and saying to damn with it all, willing to take the consequences of those actions. No. This is the place of knowing the risk and doing the action all the time hoping/praying the worse won't come of it, not thinking about what might possibly come of it because if we thought about it, we'd know it was the wrong thing to do. The unsafe thing to do because some place deep inside we believe the reward does not outweigh the risk. Maybe it might even go as deep that we don't believe our need/want would ever be high enough to outweigh the risk to others - but that is not true because we drive and there are risks in being a driver; risks to self and others. (Car Accident Statistics in the U.S. | Driver Knowledge) Interesting given the amount of under testing and false negatives that has been going on, there's a reasonable chance that the risks of dying from Covid-19 is equal to or less than that of driving. We do run into the risks of not knowing the long term impact of having Covid-19 or even just getting the virus that causes Covid-19. As I understand it, I had the virus but did not get Covid-19 while Trisha did get Covid-19. All splitting hairs to some degree but maybe not.

So, back to the point, I have gotten to the place where I'll wear my seat belt and be cognizant of my actions. I'll even use the shoulder strap if I have too; even though it crosses my neck most the time and chokes me (meaning I'll wear the mask the entire time if I have to). It is in your hands. I won't bring it up because this is how I get to accepting or walking away. I am so close to walking away because what we are doing now is not enough.

Love,
me