Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Regular T. Did you buy a car yet?

(former) Pastor T: thanks for saying that I am doing good work and to keep it up. You're special!

Dear R,

“There's a reason why people don't want to spend time with you”.

I'm not even sure if you're aware of it, but do you mean to be so hurtful with comments such as the above?

I don't like the current space we've co-created. I am aware of my own part in all of this, but at this moment I really don't know how to fix this.

I love you. At times I feel like I am in love with you and in all honesty that's the only reason I have still been attending, I want to believe that it can work, but It's the fallout from sessions like today that I find hard to contain.

I'm not sure if I have enough of a reason to continue anymore and I would like to pause for now.

S


Dear possible new T F,

From the 4 emails we've exchanged so far you come across well.But I still feel scared. I did double book myself for this tuesday but maybe I should book the intro session for the week after- this thursday seems too close.

Maybe I should keep you for only crisis moments and choose to invest my money instead?

Dear Lemon's t: Why would you say something so hurtful to her?! You owe her an apology.


Lemon's friend Art

Hey L. Thanks for today. And even though my voice cracked when I said that I'd be the witness little Art wants after you steered me away from telling you that thing, I'm glad you did. On the way home I realized that it is rather empowering to feel Adult Artie stepping up and being the witness that little Artie wanted. It feels empowering, and adds another layer of compassion for little Artie as well. Little Artie felt hurt I suppose for a minute there but she's okay now and she still loves you. And she feels more held I think because I'm with her all the time whereas we only talk to you once a week.


Thanks also for saying that you don't think I'm too dependent on you. That what I described to you is common and that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I'll bring the workbook next week.

You were getting really visibly frustrated with your mask and pulling at it, and I dunno. I just found it kind of weird that you were whining like that. I didn’t touch mine at all. I sometimes feel like you act that way around me and say certain stuff to me because you know I won’t say anything and it won’t seem like I’m judging you.

I can see now why you’ve told me that having information about you can make it harder at times to reach out.

I’m having an awful week. Eldest is sick- I’m sure it’s just a cold, but with new protocols she’s home for the near future. We are in the midst of necessary renos which is costly and of course full of drama. Having a few health things but don’t want to deal with my GP right now, especially considering that not much will help. Just found out in a horrible way that one of my D’s teachers is leaving in January to cover someone’s retirement, so that just feels unstable. My H tells me his work has no work for November and to expect layoffs- not him, he’s likely to be one of the last and there is other work, but still, it’s scary to me. I hate my job but childcare and Covid are keeping me there part time for the near future. Money is tight and I’m just so stressed and have literally no one to talk to. I’m feeling so hopeless- this pandemic is wearing me out to the point where small things I could cope with fairly easily are making me have dark, hopeless thoughts.

And yet- I can’t email you. I know you are off this week because it’s the anniversary of your H’s death, and so I would be selfish to whine to you when you just need time and space. And truthfully, emailing probably wouldn’t help much. I wish I didn’t “need” you....

Just getting sucked into the black hole. What else is new?

Dear T,
Yeah, you were right, my parents weren't annoyed with me, my dad is just a bad communicator. My mom was a bit appalled at how he'd responded.


And I did submit an appointment request to get checked out about my heart, but of course it was Friday afternoon, so I doubt I'd hear back till Monday. But, I'm trying.

Thanks for a helpful session today. Though I'm still thinking about your body language when you were talking about the one thing. Especially because you had similar body language when we talked about it initially. I'm sort of wondering about it, but won't say anything.

And I'm glad you noticed I was wearing a new shirt. I'm not sure you've commented on my clothing since we went to Zoom (I guess you have a lot less to comment on!), and I sort of missed that because it made me feel "seen" and like you're paying attention.

Love you,
LT

I keep stepping backwards out of fear. But what if I do things that make me happy.... Then I feel like I will be turned back to sadness. I told you about my lifebook but it has sat since I made it, leaving me with regret because I'm avoiding making changes. Change seems hard. Iam motivated for a little bit then something changes. Yes change is constant. But it also brings up past hurts. Can I let go of the hurt? I never told my family that I was hurting, instead I was put in an education program for those who had struggles. All I wanted was to be normal. Maybe I was made to stand out and create change. Can I overcome the fear?? How do I overcome the fear? I need to look at my lifebook, and decide on my action plan to get what I want. I want a life worth living, to not live in fear, to not let anxiety be in control.

Thank you Artie bean.



I was talking about creepy guy and the group picking thing from August. I acted like I didn't care at the time but I am surprised by how it actually upset me. From R it was also the insinuation that I wasn't trying hard enough. Blah.

Thinking this morning. You answered those two questions awfully fast. Like knee-jerk fast. Hmm.

I feel really needy and clingy at the moment and I hate it.

I haven’t emailed you about the medical crisis yesterday or the weekend anxiety fiasco. I want to show you that I can have issues and not email you when they happen. Plus I did just see you on Thursday and I’m seeing you again on Tuesday. Seems kinda silly to email you.

Dear T,
I think maybe you've broken through in some way. I don't know, it feels like something is happening, that you've tapped into some core part, some core need of mine. Like, childhood stuff maybe? I know this isn't generally your area of expertise, though you seem to have been branching out quite a bit lately. But I hope we can have some productive conversations about it next week. Maybe between now and then I should try to type/write up what I'm feeling. This feels like center of the onion stuff.
Love,
LT

Meeting up with one of my old best friends from 3 years ago. We're going to my fave burger bar.

2.50 hours studied yesterday. 70 topics left to go through for the first time. It's long and it's slow and I'm trying hard not to compare myself with others and all that.

Are you still there?

I think it's time to start talking about if this is doing more harm than good.

Something feels off right now when I look back on Friday. Your too-quick answers to those questions, the whole feeling that you're untouchable behind an invisible glass wall (you reminded me of that, though, that sand tray I did where I brought in the piece of glass) and how you redirected me away from telling you that memory, and just, in general I guess. I'm wondering if you just really don't know what to do with me anymore after so much time and I'm not "fixed" yet. Your saying that I'd had a breakthrough even felt like it was an afterthought or that you had to work really hard to find it or something. I guess we should talk about this on Wednesday.

although i think you were right about that one dream that it was a defense mechanism. that makes total sense.

and, i miss you right now.