[Trippin2.0]

Hey guys and lady guys!

I have literally not been on PC for years, and find myself with a question I'm not sure I know the answer to...

So long story short, I had a session with my Pdoc yesterday and it didn't end well.

He said something along the lines of "blah blah blah, you've made so much progress over these past 5 years, blah blah blah, even though you're struggling with severe mental illness, I really don't see you having to be a chronic mental health patient"

So I burst out crying, said "even you want to get rid of me, eventually everybody does" ..

And I left shortly afterward.

Was that childish of me, was I subconsciously trying to manipulate him, did I have a valid reason to be upset for thinking he wants to abandon me as well?

Do I owe him an apology for throwing a tantrum....

Idk.

A little help would be nice, even though I've been MIA for years...

Thanks in advance.

[nottrustin]

I don't think you were out of line. Sounds like he possibly triggered abandonment issues. I am sure he understands that.

[Amyjay]

Yeah, it sounds like it triggered up old hurts, old wounds. A genuine triggered reaction. I don't think you owe him an apology. I do think you can return to him and talk it through (to see if you can continue if you feel you still need it) when your reaction has settled down.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks (((((hugs))))
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. It's a relief to know I wasn't overreacting...
Ugh next month will be so awkward (he's my pdoc and T) so yay...

Thanks again

[Fuzzybear]

I agree, it sounds like it triggered old hurts, old wounds. I don't think you were overreacting.

[susannahsays]

I think maybe bursting out crying and accusing him of leaving you was a bit OTT because it was out of proportion to what he said, and assumed things that he did not say. I don't think that means anything bad about you except that this is clearly an area that is very sensitive. I overreact emotionally sometimes and I do understand that certain triggers can hit you really hard and it's difficult not to get caught up in an emotional flashback.

Do you have a valid reason for being upset? I don't think you necessarily have a valid reason for catastrophizing based on that one comment, but if you have attachment issues, your reaction is not illogical when viewed through that lens. By "not valid" I don't mean you are wrong for having these feelings, I just mean that I don't think the intensity of your reaction is an accurate reflection of what was happening - but instead a reflection of past abandonment.

ETA - Regarding apologizing... I do sometimes apologize in these instances if I feel like I behaved unfairly to the therapist. I don't apologize for being upset, but for taking things to the next level and acting like she's an abuser instead of someone who is trying to help me. That's just my personal preference for how I deal with my own "tantrums." She has never asked for an apology or been punitive or anything, but she has said she appreciates that I apologize for some of my OTT responses and that I am willing to talk things through with her.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I think maybe bursting out crying and accusing him of leaving you was a bit OTT because it was out of proportion to what he said, and assumed things that he did not say. I don't think that means anything bad about you except that this is clearly an area that is very sensitive. I overreact emotionally sometimes and I do understand that certain triggers can hit you really hard and it's difficult not to get caught up in an emotional flashback.


Do you have a valid reason for being upset? I don't think you necessarily have a valid reason for catastrophizing based on that one comment, but if you have attachment issues, your reaction is not illogical when viewed through that lens. By "not valid" I don't mean you are wrong for having these feelings, I just mean that I don't think the intensity of your reaction is an accurate reflection of what was happening - but instead a reflection of past abandonment.

Well I doooo have abandonment issues.

My brother was taken from this earth prematurely 2009, my dad died of a heart attack 3 month later 2010... A few years after tha 2016 my mother was dxd with breast cancer and dementia (so I now have an extra child instead of a mom) and my childhood friend died a few months later in a motorcycle accident, and then my bff died last year.

Also my long-term bf moved overseas coz his career was more appealing than a future with me...

Does that kinda answer your "validation" question??

I don't get attached easily, but when I do, it's hard to let go, I find it much easier to sever ties on my own terms...

Goodbye is a skill I have yet to master, just feels like everyone leaves me, whether they mean to or not....

Hope my background info offers some insight.

[susannahsays]

Sorry, I didn't have a question. You had asked in your OP and I was answering.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Sorry, I didn't have a question. You had asked in your OP and I was answering.

I just meant to clarify, regarding the term "valid reason" to provide more perspective regarding my OTT behaviour....
Even I know on some level it was OTT, I just wanted to know if it resonates with anyone, to gain some perspective and check if my reaction was completely uncalled for, and if I should've kept my feelings to myself....

[downandlonely]

I don't think your pdoc was saying he was going to abandon you. It seemed like he was trying to give you hope actually. So I think it was an overreaction on your part but considering your history it's understandable. I think it's something you can talk through with him next time you see him.

[susannahsays]

Yes, it resonates, and no, I don't think it would be helpful to keep your feelings to yourself. Sometimes we can disclose feelings without acting on them, though. What I have been working on recently when I notice I have an OTT reaction is instead of acting out the reactionary feelings is to tell the therapist I am having them. It's not easy and I'm not always successful - sometimes I get taken off guard and react without thinking. But I'm getting better at it. Last Thursday I found myself wanting to act out at her over text because I was upset about something. I caught myself and instead of texting random accusations about how she doesn't care about me and nobody cares about me, etc. etc., I decided to text her that I was upset and that I had noticed my impulse was to create drama with her for no reason. I suggested we talk about why I respond this way next week. She was very receptive and although I was still in some emotional turmoil, I ended up feeling good about how I dealt with the situation.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I appreciate it really helps

[divine1966]

It is so nice to see you on here again, Tippin!

I think your reaction is understandable and I am sure your pdoc would know why you reacted like you did. I don’t know if you need to apologize, but I’d bring it up with him that you fear he’ll abandon you

[bpcyclist]

Well, Trippin, based on what little I know of your life experience, your reaction to his remarks does not seem at all off or surprising to me in the least. You have suffered tremendous loss. That doesn't just disappear from us. I support you 10,000 %, Trippin. All the way. You can do this!!

I am 56. In looking back on my life, the truth is that almost everyone leaves me. I have had a number of seeminlgy terrific GFs/partners/whatever over the years. But they all leave. Ditto, virtually every 'friend' I ever had. I am sure the illness has something to do with it.

What I have learned is that there are virtually no people on this planet who are truly in it for the long haul. They will stay as long as the cash is good or the sex or the power or whatever they want, then they bail. Just been my experience, anyway. A lot of selfish people.

Hopefully, you have one or two people you can count on. I have a tiny number, but the ones I do have, they are solid like granite.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[comrademoomoo]

What would happen for you if everyone in this thread had said that you were being unreasonable, immature, that you were throwing a tantrum and needed to apologise? Would that ring true for you? I understand the impulse to turn to others for perspective, but sometimes that is a way of moving away from yourself and ignoring/not paying attention to your feelings and reactions.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

What would happen for you if everyone in this thread had said that you were being unreasonable, immature, that you were throwing a tantrum and needed to apologise? Would that ring true for you? I understand the impulse to turn to others for perspective, but sometimes that is a way of moving away from yourself and ignoring/not paying attention to your feelings and reactions.

I guess I would try and be introspective from a different point of view...

It's just my Pdoc seemed a bit pissed at me, or maybe disappointed, idk... That's why I was wondering if my reaction was uncalled for.

I'm always wondering if I am really rectifying my behaviours or if I'm just failing at therapy.