Do you wonder how your T is effected by you sometimes?

In my recent session I started talking about how it must be painful for anyone to see me when I was very unwell with anorexia, and my T told me that it wasn't very nice for her to see me at that state being so underweight. Her tone felt like she was hurt, and it reminded me of how our relationship was last year when I had a really bad relapse. I remember once I wore tight clothes, like a fitted t-shirt and leggings, and she stared at me the whole session in agony, and I can see she was very worried, and concerned. She even gave me her personal number, and told me to call her if I ever needed to talk. I had to terminate therapy for a while with her as things got too bad and I had to hospitalised. I sensed that she felt kind of helpless of helping me, and I don't know.

I started seeing her again after I got out of treatment, this time our relationship were better. I trusted her more, and I opened up more. But I still wonder how she is effected when I was so ill. It couldn't have been easy for her as she literally saw me deteriorated from a healthy weight to painfully thin in a few months time, and I wasn't getting better. I am working in mental health myself, and I know sometimes I can't just go home not think about my patients, and I know there's boundaries but we are human too, and I do care about my patients.

I doubt either of the therapists had any real reaction to me at all. They were impervious to me and probably all clients. Any reaction they displayed was usually over-acted manipulation. It was not real - they are actors. Also - if one of them told me they were worried or hurt or something like that - I would tell them to stay back -they do not get a stake in my life.

Not really. I think she might think about me once in a while outside of session if something reminds her of me. But I don't think she is very affected by me in any sense.

I get emails between sessions asking how I’m feeling. I’ll go into the next session and she’ll say “I was worried about you” I don’t think she necessarily frets over me or anything. Although after that last email I sent I don’t really know what she’s thinking right now. She told me to go to the hospital or call 911 because she “just wants to make sure I’m safe”

She's very open about how I affect her and it is not always complimentary, which is rich coming from her.

I definitely wonder, so sometimes I ask her. Last time I asked she told me that I'm the most interesting and unusual client she's ever had. I don't doubt that; I've had other therapists (and people in general) tell me the same. Depending upon my mood, it's either a compliment or a polite way of saying "Beth, you're a real freak."

I have wondered and I have asked him, but I don’t think I got an answer. I don’t know if that means I don’t affect him or he has nothing that he feels comfortable sharing.

I know that over time and long after we had completed our therapy together, my therapists and I have stayed in touch and we regard each other as old friends. That doesn’t result from therapists who are acting. It also doesn’t result, perhaps surprisingly to some, from poor boundaries during therapy. The ability to be lasting friends requires an ability to respect space and realistic roles on both sides both during therapy and beyond. I was always pretty aware that they were affected by working with me long-term. All of them had met members of my family for various reasons, and they had walked with me through some rather intense life events. Of course they were affected by those events, but I never saw evidence that they were overly impacted or in any way emotionally hurt or in distress. They were professionals well-versed in dealing with the traumas and mental health issues I was experiencing, and they maintained supportive and professional relationships with me during my therapy.

After therapy, our relationship was no longer professional. I no longer expected therapy from them and didn’t receive that from them which I think is why we have been able to shift into friendship mode without any problems. (And friendship does not in any way mean we are buddies; we are more like old friends who keep in touch regularly.)

It is clear from our discussions over the years that they always cared genuinely about me and wanted things to turn out positively for me as I moved forward. They worried when I was unwell - that was clear - but that worry did not impact their ability to professionally support me through my crises.

Professionals in helping professions who are strong and effective at what they do are able to compartmentalize so that they can continue to function effectively. That doesn’t render them emotionless, but that does allow them to know how to set themselves aside and stay present and effective as they work with their clients.

I know both my Ts think about me outside of therapy as they have told me. Working in the mental health field I know we can't just walk away and not think about our clients. I know current T will on occasion thi. about something happening for their client. Thinking about them on occasion does not mean they obsess of they have good boundaries.

When i was severely anorexic also i was often told by my treatment team that it was painful for them to look at me.
My current therapist tells me how i affect her.

I don't think I affect my therapist much. I am not interesting in any way.
I worry mostly that before my scheduled time that she inwardly moans about how she has to spend the next hour.

My T actually said the words, "You affect me, LT" to me once, so I know that I do. He meant it in the sense that he's not some sort of robot who has no reaction to things I say or do. He's said he wants to help me understand how some of my words and actions could affect others, so he said he actually shares with me what he's thinking more than he does with most clients. The difficult part of that, for me, is that part of what he shares is negative reactions. He's mentioned being frustrated by me, that he felt I was trying to control him, that he felt something I said to him was manipulative, and that he felt uncomfortable with the fact that got comfort from holding a transitional object that he gave me if I associated it with *him* rather than with the therapy space. Some of that was very painful for me (and in one case led to me terminating and seeing someone else briefly, but I returned to T a few weeks later). He's also mentioned being worried about me (one night when I was in crisis) and some other more positive things. Or that something made him think of me.


However, he's also told me that he will always be honest with me and let me know early on if something I say or do bothers him (like I worry about, say, emailing too much). So I don't have to be wondering (which is one of my things, worrying that someone is annoyed or upset with me but not telling me). I've come to really appreciate that and think it's helped in my ability to trust him. It's also helped me with realizing someone can be frustrated with me, say, and that it doesn't "threaten the relationship," as he would say. So, he might be frustrated and tell me that, but it doesn't mean he's going to terminate me. And that's come to help me with outside relationships (marriage and friendships) as well. I'm more likely now, if I think someone may be annoyed (or whatever negative emotion) with me rather than just assuming and worrying about it. And I don't automatically think it's the end of the world if they say they are.

She has told me a few times that I have left an indelible mark on her. Mostly because she couldn't make sense of me when we first met. We parted ways about three years later and didn't see each other until 13 years later when I was diagnosed with ASD/Asperger's syndrome. It seemed like a good time to try therapy again. Shortly after she told me that she would think about me and where she went wrong. She stated it was an honor to make sense of a client whose presentation previously made no sense. Apparently that is rare.

I've never really had to wonder because the T's I've seen have been very honest about how I affect them, albeit not to the point it took the focus off me. I am so grateful that they were willing to be honest about their own natural feelings and responses because it made me feel closer to them and able to share more.

Artley it makes me happy to read all this, because I relate with much of this, and it is not usual to hear this story. A peaceful shift into friendship, as that is what I have with my former T. Nothing dramatic, nothing strange, just a solid well thought shift after a long successful therapy. Thank you Artley!

And to the original question. Actually a long time a go I did not realize I affected her so much when I was a pain to look at. But later, much later I realized it was always the case even though it was always kept in a balanced and professional frame.

I experienced infant emotional neglect and my therapy brings up some really painful early feelings, I sometimes wonder if my T is affected by the knowledge that sometimes the things that she says and do inadvertently trigger me and I go away feeling awful. Part of me wants my therapy to be important to her and for her to be affected, but part of me wants her to be blissfully unaffected by it.

He is usually honest with me about his feelings towards me and my therapy journey. Even when it's not something I'd like to hear, like that he is frustrated and angry, even annoyed. I value his authenticity

I wonder this a lot. I'm usually pretty honest about how my T has hurt me with her words or actions, and she does apologize. She's told me that she's lost sleep thinking about our conversations and wondering how she could have said something in a better way.
But... one of my (unrealistic) problems with her is that I don't affect her in the way I want to. She can turn thoughts of me off whenever she wants -- she has a family and is very wealthy and has all these other things that I want, and it just destroys me that she's always off having a great time while I'm alone and not able to get her off my mind in the same way.

I’ve watched him cry during session twice. Once I had just watched my uncle pass away and was manic as hell. The other I was super suicidal

I wish my T had cried ever. We have talked about so much awful things that have happened, I have cried for many sessions, I've never once seen him even fake cry. Maybe this is the biggest indicator that I don't and never have affected him.