Maternal Transference -- how to overcome?

Hi everyone, I’m new here and am hoping to ask for some advice please about something that's been really weighing on me.

In an attempt to make a very long story short(er):
I basically have maternal transference with my therapist -- she doesn't like using that term, but she's aware of how I feel. I lost my mom at an early age, and I'm now around 30 and have such deep longings to be mothered, held, loved, etc.

I am pretty open about my feelings with my T. She is receptive, but I feel when I try to get down to the brutal details (misc example: she went on a trip to Hawaii last year with her daughter, and I talked about how sad I was that I'll never go on a trip with her), she is quick to interrupt with something vaguely-relevant and then change the topic completely. She is obviously avoiding the conversation, though I think she really just doesn't want to hurt me. I am frequently furious with her, though, and very hurt despite her efforts.

That being said, she has loosened a lot of boundaries, which she says is her attempt at trying to heal these pains that I feel in our relationship. For example, she tells me bits about her life, hugs me, lets me talk to her longer than our allotted "hour," has given me her cell so I can text if I want.

So far... these little "gifts" are appreciated but also make it harder because I feel temporarily closer, which just reminds me of how not-close we actually are. At the same time, I definitely don't want her to stop doing these things. I do love her hugs...

I think the only way to get better is to discuss the "brutal" details like how she'll never love me the way I want to be loved by someone, how she'll never take care of me while I'm sick, etc. It sounds awful, but it's as if I want to be emotionally rejected and beaten down by her as much as possible to just really convince myself to stop feeling this way.
Do you have any thoughts, or has anything similar happened to you? (Thank you!)

I feel EXACTLY the same. It's a very common experience in therapy, especially with a painful background like you sadly describe.

I'm not sure people ever really overcome it. I haven't. What has helped me is to be honest about it and talk about it all with T. It is in being open about these feelings that I started to move through them and feel the grief over not being able to have the mother and family I want. It also meant I could start grieving for my childhood since I am more aware of what loving care and a deep emotional connection (from my T) feel like and what I didn't experience with my mum when I should have. Unfortunately, many therapists are uncomfortable with maternal transference and seem to want to skirt around it. I saw several therapists who reacted that way - they didn't want to hear how much I longed to live with them, be with them constantly, be held, mothered etc. But the healing is in putting voice to these feelings and my current T responding with compassionate acceptance and understanding and sadness for my grief and longing. The feelings don't just vanish but they get easier to deal with and eventually, as I'm finding, there are signs that the grief is less intense even though it will likely always hurt.

It's like that with my therapist too. I get really scared now when things go well between us, because I know he'll throw a spanner in the works somehow to test me. I can't enjoy it. My whole life has been a test, I really just need love and warmth from him.

I think the only way to get better is to find such fulfilling relationships in 'real' life and not having T be the focus of all this longing and desires.

Talking about it can only help so much because the longing will still be here... the void and lack of such fulfilling relationships will still be present. Unless you find that for yourself, it will be difficult to just 'get over it'.

It is worrying that she is giving you tidbits that are making you feel special (yet craving more) when this boundaried relationship can only go so far.

I was somewhat in the same boat, I had a wonderful relationship with mymother who died pretty young. About 10 years later I ended up seeing a therapist who was about the same age. She was very caring and compassionate. There was a lot of maternal transference. When she consulted with my second therapist, she told her that she was definitely a mother figure for for me. I highly suspect it went both ways.

We never discussed the transference. We were both very careful to make sure I didn't get hurt. It was a great relation that allowed me to heal in many ways

Transference happens naturally in ALL relationships, in therapy and out - it's just that it's a term used more in therapy due the nature of the work and the fact the client doesn't know as much about the therapist, giving free rein for longings and needs to emerge. It happens regardless of either party's gender, sexuality, or will. Used correctly and understood with compassion, transference is a wonderful tool for healing.

Some therapists use touch and hugs. They can be incredibly healing if done in the best interests of the client. It is simply not true to say therapists should not hug a client. It is a blanket opinion that doesn't take into account how so many people have found touch in therapy healing. Some therapists even make it the main part of their work!

Many therapists give our their personal number for contact in between sessions and this can be done in a way that respects the needs of the client AND the boundaries of the relationship.

As for socialising with people more or seeing a priest, those are choices that may not be right or even possible for everyone.

Thank you so much for your responses. It really helps to hear other perspectives, and as sorry as I am to hear that others have experienced this too, I also feel some relief knowing I'm not alone. I've done a lot of googling on transference, but in practice, I feel like the experience is far more nuanced and emotional than a general article will describe.

I am fortunate to have a great support system in friends and colleagues, but quarantine has definitely made the therapeutic relationship more intense for a whole number of reasons..

I've considered a male therapist and will think on it more, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't think I'd open up with a man or trust him in the same way I would trust a woman (which maybe is something else I need to sort out).

I believe physical touch is something my T usually doesn't do within her professional boundaries. And she can be a little irresponsible with these things she gives me because she's not used to doing it and doesn't always think it through. But all that Lonelyinmyheart said has really resonated with me- being held and receiving hugs have been so healing to me, and I'm so thankful for them, even if there's the flip side of me feeling sad not having her in my life more. I know my therapist will continue to be uncomfortable talking about this topic, but I really want to push through that and keep having this conversation with her. I'm hoping that will help with the healing process -- not just in my relationship with her but also with making peace with all the other women who I've experienced this transference with since childhood and all the women I may experience it with again....

My T (from what she told current T) realized she had to build a solid relationship with attachment in order for me to open up. It took us a couple of years to bring up parts of my childhood I had never told ANYBODY before . We had discussed a lot of what I felt was safe. She hugged me after revealing some shameful information. I always felt disgusting and didn't want to be hugged by people (even though I enjoyed them) because I feared people finding out how disgusting I was. I now enjoy and welcome hugs for others.

That is not saying some therapists don't exploit clients. They do. However, I believe it is far from the norm.

OP,
I am almost 38, and L (my current therapist) is 33, and I have maternal transference towards her. I thought I would only have maternal transference towards women older than me. I also thought that because I didn't have transference with T (currently not seeing), I was past transference. Nope to both.

I'm grateful L works well with transference and that she doesn't find it awkward or uncomfortable. She believes that the therapeutic relationship is what will help with healing. And it does if you have someone skilled at working with it.

How to get past it? No clue. Maybe by working through it? I know ignoring it won't help.

Sorry I can't be of more help. One last thing, you have nothing to be ashamed about. It is common and natural for transference to happen especially in a therapeutic relationship. Just because some haven't experienced it, doesn't make it bad or inappropriate.

In response to the original OP

I totally agree with you - the only way to get better is to discuss these things as long and as much you feel you need. Of course, your therapist has to be able to support this, by accepting your feelings, holding space for them for as long as you need and not trying to minimize them, redirect the discussion to somewhere else or outright reject them.

My personal experience is that it is possible to work through it. What does it look like? It feels as if the hole that you have inside you now has been closed. In that place, where there currently is the intense longing, will be the quiet feeling and firm knowledge that you are and have been held in someone's mind. And then you don't need the physical presence of that person anymore, in technical terms you have internalized her and she has become part of you. Then, when feeling upset, you can draw calmness from that internalized presentation of that person from inside yourself.

I think that one of the reasons why I struggle with transference is because I struggle with object consistency, so it's really hard for me to internalize my therapist. But I think that's why she's more than happy to be repetitive with her reassurances and also why she's okay with transitional objects. Both allow me be able to hold onto her better.

Yes, this process takes time and the time necessary is variable for each unique person. Maybe for someone it will take a life time but what can you do? Unfortunately there are no shortcuts.

My mainly psychodynamic T said that he didn't try to induce transference but work with it.

At the heart of this is just wanting to feel cared for, loved, accepted, emotionally attuned with like with a young baby without words all of which are perfectly normal especially if you've never had that experience.

You do need the space to talk about all of this.

This is a great description how it feels. Although sometimes painful, sometimes hopeless, this is how it went. The transference - maternal kind for me as well - just slowly faded, and also the hole disappeared. I don't go searching anyone to fill it with anymore. I'm out ot therapy and done with that, and it feels great. And the best thing of course is, that it was not just the therapy relationship that resolved, but the hole and all the other relationships with it too.

And how I got there? I think each therapist and client is different but for me it was:

- talking about it. For years. Telling her exactly how it feels, having her listen and accept these feelings. She was always accepting and willing to talk about it.

- each client and T is different, but for me giving (not withholding and restricting) did the trick. She always responded to me, was reliable and consistent. And she definitely let it happen, the feelings for both. I don't think there would never have been another route. It's about feelings, not about intelligence. It does not heal through intelligence and reasoning. It heals trough feelings. And my feelings and heart constantly received what I needed, her precence, her real feelings back and endless discussion about it all.

So I want to give you couragement, OP. It is natural and very understandable. And it can be resolved over time.

Thank you so much for the support! I really am very appreciative. I feel a desire to finally fill this hole and kind of close the loop on this difficult emotional process I've gone through for years with different people. Of course that's easier said than done! I understand that it's a long process (that has already been pretty long) but the only way to get through it is to keep pushing through. A big takeaway for me is to really talk about all the feelings that come up, even if they make my T really uncomfortable. And even if they make me uncomfortable, embarrassed, sad.

It's so encouraging to know that other people have gone through this and have been able to get to the other side or at least get to a place where these feelings are easier to experience. THAT really will really help motivate me to keep talking this through. Thank you!