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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 12:40 PM
  #41
I admire women who clearly try to coordinate their mask with their outfit.

I wonder if Info has one in gold lame?

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Did you buy the bed desk you were talking about ages out- how did it work out?
Yes, it worked well. Now that I feel like spending less time in bed it’s become a stand up desk.

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 01:08 PM
  #42
I feel like crap. It doesn't help I took two Xanax so now I feel totally out of it. Upper Management decided at work that we will be back to having to furlough two days a week. Sigh. I don't know if I should look for a second job or what. I did apply for a different job though I feel my prospects of getting it are slim because my work history doesn't really match. But my education far exceeds what they are looking for, so that may or may not be a plus. I feel self destructive though. I'm trying to shake loose these feelings but it isn't happening. At least I'm not panicking like I was yesterday but that is thanks for the Xanax. But the Xanax made me feel tired and zombie-ish and not caring about anything. Ugh. I probably should have only taken one. HUGS Kit

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:55 PM
  #43
Just had a session where T was really wanting me to tell him exactly how far I went with this guy J. I just don't want to tell him. T wants me to think about "letting him in" to the relationship with J a bit more but I don't want to, like, analyze the relationship and find all the weak points, I just want to bask in this new-relationship-glow. I also feel like maybe a romantic relationship deserves some privacy?

Even talking with T about this really brought me down--I'd been feeling so happy and hopeful, now I am reminded of how bad things get when they are bad.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:57 PM
  #44
Does he want a three-way or something? Jeez.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:57 PM
  #45
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Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
Just had a session where T was really wanting me to tell him exactly how far I went with this guy J. I just don't want to tell him. T wants me to think about "letting him in" to the relationship with J a bit more but I don't want to, like, analyze the relationship and find all the weak points, I just want to bask in this new-relationship-glow. I also feel like maybe a romantic relationship deserves some privacy?

Even talking with T about this really brought me down--I'd been feeling so happy and hopeful, now I am reminded of how bad things get when they are bad.
I don't think you need to tell your T anything you don't want to. Kit

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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 02:59 PM
  #46
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Does he want a three-way or something? Jeez.
I actually LOL'd at that; thanks @@
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 03:53 PM
  #47
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Just had a session where T was really wanting me to tell him exactly how far I went with this guy J. I just don't want to tell him. T wants me to think about "letting him in" to the relationship with J a bit more but I don't want to, like, analyze the relationship and find all the weak points, I just want to bask in this new-relationship-glow. I also feel like maybe a romantic relationship deserves some privacy?

Even talking with T about this really brought me down--I'd been feeling so happy and hopeful, now I am reminded of how bad things get when they are bad.
Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

ETA: He has a disturbing lack of respect for your autonomy.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 05:09 PM
  #48
At this point, I think I'd just ask him if there's some therapeutic rationale for needing to know or if this is just him trying to satisfy his prurient curiosity.
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Default Jul 07, 2020 at 10:18 PM
  #49
What do you guys do with a tough decision? Pros and cons listing has been tried and balance out. Both head and gut/heart are evenly split too.

It’s so tough I actually made a tele-appointment with Info tomorrow to discuss it, on the .005% chance that it’ll be a day when she’s helpful.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 12:00 AM
  #50
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What do you guys do with a tough decision? Pros and cons listing has been tried and balance out. Both head and gut/heart are evenly split too.

It’s so tough I actually made a tele-appointment with Info tomorrow to discuss it, on the .005% chance that it’ll be a day when she’s helpful.


I would go for my heart+ what feels right.

I hope your session goes well.

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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 12:03 AM
  #51
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Originally Posted by chihirochild View Post
Just had a session where T was really wanting me to tell him exactly how far I went with this guy J. I just don't want to tell him. T wants me to think about "letting him in" to the relationship with J a bit more but I don't want to, like, analyze the relationship and find all the weak points, I just want to bask in this new-relationship-glow. I also feel like maybe a romantic relationship deserves some privacy?

Even talking with T about this really brought me down--I'd been feeling so happy and hopeful, now I am reminded of how bad things get when they are bad.


You're right to stick to what YOU feel comfortable with disclosing.

Maybe you could try a different T just for a few sessions?

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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 12:13 AM
  #52
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I would go for my heart+ what feels right.

I hope your session goes well.
Unfortunately it is not head vs. heart. It is head vs. head and heart vs. heart. Both options have head and heart equally behind them.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #53
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What do you guys do with a tough decision? Pros and cons listing has been tried and balance out. Both head and gut/heart are evenly split too.

It’s so tough I actually made a tele-appointment with Info tomorrow to discuss it, on the .005% chance that it’ll be a day when she’s helpful.

One thing to do would be to make a decision (but not act on it yet) and see how it feels. Another is to flip a coin and see how you feel with what it lands on. Like if you're disappointed that you get heads, then maybe the "tails" decision is the right one. Just ways of tapping into what you might feel subconsciously. I hope Info is actually helpful.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 05:27 AM
  #54
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Just had a session where T was really wanting me to tell him exactly how far I went with this guy J. I just don't want to tell him. T wants me to think about "letting him in" to the relationship with J a bit more but I don't want to, like, analyze the relationship and find all the weak points, I just want to bask in this new-relationship-glow. I also feel like maybe a romantic relationship deserves some privacy?

Even talking with T about this really brought me down--I'd been feeling so happy and hopeful, now I am reminded of how bad things get when they are bad.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad now. I agree with other posters that he shouldn't be pressuring you for information like that. It almost sounds like a high school friend, who's like, "cm'on, give me all the juicy details!"

Could you tell him what you said here, that you just want to enjoy the relationship for now rather than analyze it to death? And that you'd rather be a bit more private about it.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 09:40 AM
  #55
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I'm sorry you're feeling bad now. I agree with other posters that he shouldn't be pressuring you for information like that. It almost sounds like a high school friend, who's like, "cm'on, give me all the juicy details!"

Could you tell him what you said here, that you just want to enjoy the relationship for now rather than analyze it to death? And that you'd rather be a bit more private about it.
I did ask him for his rationale. He said that because I struggle with issues of desire and body image and seeing myself as a sexual being (not to mention the fact that I have a hx of SA), that this stuff is important to talk about in therapy. He also said that therapy isn't just about fixing problems when they come up, it's about talking about things all along so that when things do come up, there's context. He says he wants me to be able to use him in service of this relationship with J. Also he said that this desire to sort of "split" and see therapy as a thing that can only be used to talk about the terrible badness is very BPD.

I can see his point. But also I just flat-out don't want to talk with him about this. I'm not even sure why, to be honest, I just don't.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 01:22 PM
  #56
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One thing to do would be to make a decision (but not act on it yet) and see how it feels. Another is to flip a coin and see how you feel with what it lands on. Like if you're disappointed that you get heads, then maybe the "tails" decision is the right one. Just ways of tapping into what you might feel subconsciously. I hope Info is actually helpful.
My wife taught me the coin toss thing, and it's really helpful. I also sometimes ask her to decide, and then if I feel like arguing with her after she tells me what to do, it means I really wanted the other option.

When we were agonizing over whether to send the kid back to daycare, we made a list of benefits and risks. In this situation, what were the guaranteed benefits we would receive vs. what were the potential risks we were worried about. Similar to pros and cons but with some amount of probability and weighting thrown in too.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 01:28 PM
  #57
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I did ask him for his rationale. He said that because I struggle with issues of desire and body image and seeing myself as a sexual being (not to mention the fact that I have a hx of SA), that this stuff is important to talk about in therapy. He also said that therapy isn't just about fixing problems when they come up, it's about talking about things all along so that when things do come up, there's context. He says he wants me to be able to use him in service of this relationship with J. Also he said that this desire to sort of "split" and see therapy as a thing that can only be used to talk about the terrible badness is very BPD.

I can see his point. But also I just flat-out don't want to talk with him about this. I'm not even sure why, to be honest, I just don't.
The BPD thing is weird and a little annoying since that is not a label you identify with or are even okay with having applied to you (whether his analysis is true or not). He also doesn't seem to understand that pushing like that is only going to make somebody less comfortable and less likely to share. I have told my T all sorts of very specific sex things, and I likely only feel comfortable doing that because she has never, ever asked. Instead she responds with gentle encouragement when I have made it clear that I wanted to go in that direction.

Therapy is like trying to build a relationship with a feral cat. If the therapist goes in screaming, "TRUST ME! I'M HERE FOR YOU! I WANT TO HELP!" they will have the exact opposite result of what they want.

So the best case scenario is that he's kind of inept, and the worst case scenario is that he's being kind of a creeper.

It's also so understandable to want to keep this to yourself for right now. That new relationship cocoon is niiiice. And cozy. It's okay to savor the feelings and sensations without bringing a lot of words and rationality into it.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 01:37 PM
  #58
My wife is anxious about a work thing, and she has been talking my ear off about it ALL. DAY. LONG. I have listened and given her my suggestions and feedback, but I think she is trapped in an anxiety loop where she just wants to talk about the same things over and over. The situation seems stressful but not terribly dire to me, and it's frustrating but not something she can control. Is there a nice way to tell her to stop talking about it? I want to pull her out of the loop, but I know that I can't manage her feelings. Yet she is also distracting me from my work and does not seem to have the bandwidth to talk with me about anything else. This would be much easier if either of us had other people to see or other places to go, rather than being trapped in the house together all day every day...
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 01:59 PM
  #59
Well, Info was helpful at least in calming me down. She was even able to make a logical argument about what I should do. She also offered the opinion that my sister's stance on this decision is "weird." (Which was my reaction too.)

Wouldn't you know it, the closest I ever got to really breaking down in front of a therapist happens via teletherapy.

By the way, she just flew to MI and back with at-risk husband.

Fashion report: Black tank top, racerback I think (there was plenty of leaning forward, just not enough for me to confirm). Some kind of silver half-moon pendant.

Oh, and she's reading "White Fragility." Which may mean I completely misinterpreted her potential politics. Or not.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 02:45 PM
  #60
Chihiro - here is my latest experience in that venue. I reconnected with a bf from my 20's, but only on the phone. Amazingly, nothing had changed. And not in a good way! I was smitten again and getting very little back. Im very good at that. T helped me talk myself out of the dark. My parents and brother had ALWAYS left me too much in the dark, literally and figuratively, because that was the path of least resistance for them.

That is all!
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