Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

stopdog · Jul 27, 2020 at 09:33 AM

I actually think it is good he said something rather than secretly seething and then having it come out in some other way. There are ways to deal with it - turn the radio off, wear headphones (for when the other person's taste in music is very different) or wear ear plugs etc. But for short trips around town - I really recommend just turning the radio off.

ArtleyWilkins · Jul 27, 2020 at 09:51 AM

. . . or he can join in. LOL! Having grown up in a musical family, we tend to break out in song with regularity. Keeps us happy and close.

It's good he brought it up. Talk about it, but don't change YOU for someone else. Find a compromise about it maybe? (I agree not to sing classical works for instance because high As in a confined space are deafening. LOL! All bets are off though if I have to warm up in the car before a concert though.)

atisketatasket · 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. He doesn’t have a very good sense of pitch and I do, so it’s not like he was insulting my singing exactly. He even said as much. But still it felt like I was doing something innocuous and simple and he just ruined it. And it also felt like he was silencing me somehow.

That’s your stuff, though, not his. ETA: meaning, not that the feelings aren’t real and painful, but that it’s not what he intended to do.

I can sing at inappropriate moments, and also chatter at times when the other person just wants to be quiet. And the reverse has happened to me. It really is maddening. ETA: Kind of like when your roommate wants to talk and you don’t.

So, I think it’s excellent he mentioned it, especially since he seems to envision a long future (“eventually”). I don’t think it’s excellent the exact way he addressed it.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 27, 2020 at 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

That’s your stuff, though, not his.

I can sing at inappropriate moments, and also chatter at times when the other person just wants to be quiet. And the reverse has happened to me. It really is maddening. ETA: Kind of like when your roommate wants to talk and you don’t.

So, I think it’s excellent he mentioned it, especially since he seems to envision a long future (“eventually”). I don’t think it’s excellent the exact way he addressed it.

I thought "eventually" was a positive sign as well.

Maybe you could talk to him about how often is too often. Because otherwise, I imagine you'd feel you need to stop singing entirely in his presence, when that's likely not the case.

ArtleyWilkins · Jul 27, 2020 at 10:39 AM

Speaking of singing, my son and his roommate, both college seniors and music education majors, are assisting with a virtual all-state choir camp for high schoolers through their university this week. They are both in their rooms (in our house) doing whatever camp counselors do. Earlier they were both warming up with the students: alto from one room; bass from the other. LOL! Over 300 students participating. My son reports it is going really well. Students are engaged and actively social during their social breakout times.

It's fun to listen in.

Music finds a way.

atisketatasket · Jul 27, 2020 at 10:41 AM

Naturally it’s the Marlins who are threatening the 2020 baseball season first.

SlumberKitty · Jul 27, 2020 at 10:57 AM

Took my cat Esther to the vet on Saturday. Turns out she has a severe bladder infection. (I'm glad it wasn't a kidney infection.) I thought it might be a UTI so I wasn't too far off. They gave her a shot at the vet of antibiotics and a seven day at home course of antibiotics. She seems to be a little better already. More perky. Less lethargic. Most importantly peeing inside of her box! Still a $460 vet bill. Sigh. Totally worth it, just it is a lot of money for me right now.

SlumberKitty · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:00 AM

I saw my T face to face the first time since this Covid mess started. We stayed six feet apart and wore masks throughout the session. It was good to see her. She was a little out of it though. She said something weird and I was like, "What?" because I couldn't think of what else to say in response. She apologized and said her mind had jumped. She started talking politics so I had to change the conversation because I have a feeling we don't see eye to eye on that. I'm okay with disagreeing with others on it but I don't know how she would take it. So best to not let the conversation go there. She did have a good suggestion on some anger that I am feeling and how to express it positively. So the session was okay. It was good to see her though and know she is still alive and everything.

SlumberKitty · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:01 AM

I got a text message from my former T. I had texted her after having made a goal. I didn't really expect a text back. I don't think I have heard from her since February although I have emailed and texted her since then. It was a nice text and I really appreciated it.

chihirochild · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:02 AM

Thanks, all.

Yeah, I'm glad he mentioned it because it'd be stupid if it made him crazy when I did it but he never said anything, and then the craziness just came out some other way.

It still felt bad, though. And I'm not sure what to do about that.

I'm trying to imagine if there's a way he could have said it that didn't hurt my feelings. And I'm not totally sure there is. Non-professional feedback/criticism always feels like a punch in my gut, I think, no matter how it's delivered.

NP_Complete · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:11 AM

Would it help if you felt it wasn't personal? I have a feeling that he feels the same way about singing/humming no matter who's doing it. That may be easier said than done though. I think it's a really good sign that he told you about it though. Much healthier than keeping it all bottled up inside.

unaluna · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:19 AM

Slumber - isnt she smart, though? Kitty figured out pretty quickly that she had a bladder infection! I will waffle for days. Her - she immediately "thinks 'outside the box'!"

atisketatasket · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

It still felt bad, though. And I'm not sure what to do about that.

Hmm, what’s that word that starts with t and ends with a y?

.

And now you have something to work on, which will get your therapist to shut up about that.

Seriously, you will likely always feel some degree of bad over criticism—I do. The trick is to manage the reaction to the feeling, not the feeling.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Naturally it’s the Marlins who are threatening the 2020 baseball season first.

I don't see this season lasting very long...

LonesomeTonight · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Thanks, all.

Yeah, I'm glad he mentioned it because it'd be stupid if it made him crazy when I did it but he never said anything, and then the craziness just came out some other way.

It still felt bad, though. And I'm not sure what to do about that.

I'm trying to imagine if there's a way he could have said it that didn't hurt my feelings. And I'm not totally sure there is. Non-professional feedback/criticism always feels like a punch in my gut, I think, no matter how it's delivered.

Dr. T would say it was good he told you. Better than, say, after dating for months, you're singing in the car and he just yells, "Stop singing--it's been driving me crazy for months!!!"

I react similarly to any sort of criticism (even professional), though I've gotten better with it through therapy Maybe something to talk about with your T, how to handle criticism better? Even if you don't want to bring up this specific incident, because I know you've said you're not that comfortable talking about J with him...

unaluna · 12:07 PM

Toidy?

Eta - ha ha! I figured it out!

i just had my coffee!

atisketatasket · Jul 27, 2020 at 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Toidy?

Totally!

SlumberKitty · Jul 27, 2020 at 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Slumber - isnt she smart, though? Kitty figured out pretty quickly that she had a bladder infection! I will waffle for days. Her - she immediately "thinks 'outside the box'!"

Thanks unaluna!

atisketatasket · Jul 27, 2020 at 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I don't see this season lasting very long...

Apparently it won’t be canceled (yet). They will just double down on prohibitions on stuff like high fives (which I did notice this weekend). And maybe they can explain in words of one syllable to the Marlins that teams with an outbreak shouldn’t be playing games.

If MLB can’t get this done, I fear the NFL can’t either.

Lemoncake · Jul 27, 2020 at 01:00 PM

I was thinking therapisty.

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Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,149 (SuperPoster!) 8 12.4k hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 10:41 AM #666 Naturally it’s the Marlins who are threatening the 2020 baseball season first.

SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 11:01 AM #669 I got a text message from my former T. I had texted her after having made a goal. I didn't really expect a text back. I don't think I have heard from her since February although I have emailed and texted her since then. It was a nice text and I really appreciated it. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,352 hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 11:11 AM #671 Would it help if you felt it wasn't personal? I have a feeling that he feels the same way about singing/humming no matter who's doing it. That may be easier said than done though. I think it's a really good sign that he told you about it though. Much healthier than keeping it all bottled up inside.

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,867 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 11:19 AM #672 Slumber - isnt she smart, though? Kitty figured out pretty quickly that she had a bladder infection! I will waffle for days. Her - she immediately "thinks 'outside the box'!"

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,867 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 11:28 AM #676 Toidy? Eta - ha ha! I figured it out! i just had my coffee! Last edited by unaluna; Jul 27, 2020 at 12:07 PM..

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jul 27, 2020 at 01:00 PM #680 I was thinking therapisty. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."