Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

unaluna · Jul 09, 2020 at 01:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Curious who has parented a child with autism, just out of curiosity?

Who has childed of parents with special needs?

stopdog · Jul 09, 2020 at 01:41 PM

I don't really think it is about parenting the child (any child no matter the challenges of that child) - I think it is about the emotional needs of the parent. I really do believe most parents try their best and often get it very very wrong for the child for many reasons including because the parent is doing what they wanted as a child rather than looking at the actual child they have. Other reasons are not wanting to look bad a parent, trying to toughen a kid up because of fear of the world hurting them and not knowing how to help the child do okay and so forth. Parents often report being surprised that their well meaning approach is something the child resents, regrets, hated etc.

ElectricManatee · Jul 09, 2020 at 01:55 PM

I'm feeling restless. It's too hot to go for an afternoon walk, which was my springtime quarantine go-to. Maybe drive around in circles? There are so many fun, relatively unsafe options that appeal to me right now.

Lemoncake · Jul 09, 2020 at 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I'm feeling restless. It's too hot to go for an afternoon walk, which was my springtime quarantine go-to. Maybe drive around in circles? There are so many fun, relatively unsafe options that appeal to me right now.

What if you swap it up a bit? Could it become an evening or an early morning walk before it gets too hot?

What about a cold shower?

ElectricManatee · Jul 09, 2020 at 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

What if you swap it up a bit? Could it become an evening or an early morning walk before it gets too hot?

What about a cold shower?

Sometimes an early morning walk works well. My wife and I have been playing pickleball first thing after we drop the kid off at daycare. That's pretty fun. Our house has AC -- it's just the venturing outside part that becomes tricky.

NP_Complete · Jul 09, 2020 at 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Sometimes an early morning walk works well. My wife and I have been playing pickleball first thing after we drop the kid off at daycare. That's pretty fun. Our house has AC -- it's just the venturing outside part that becomes tricky.

Maybe you need a kiddie pool that you can splash around in together when it's hot outside. I assume if she's old enough to eat cheese off the floor, she's old enough for supervised time in a kiddie pool.

Daffydungle · Jul 09, 2020 at 05:56 PM

I have finally got round to watching The Big Bang Theory i am so Sheldon without the high iq.

ElectricManatee · Jul 09, 2020 at 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Maybe you need a kiddie pool that you can splash around in together when it's hot outside. I assume if she's old enough to eat cheese off the floor, she's old enough for supervised time in a kiddie pool.

Haha I like eating cheese off the floor as a developmental milestone! We did end up setting up the sprinkler in the backyard this afternoon. We don't have a kiddie pool, but we do have an under the bed storage tote thingy that we fill up and let her play in. I haven't checked lately, but for a while it was tough to get most outdoor toys (like kiddie pools) once people realized they would be spending summer at home.

stopdog · 07:46 PM

Depending on your backyard - you can still get stock tanks from feed stores. My neighbors have one for their little girls - with water wings and everything. It isn't very tall - about a foot and a half

NP_Complete · Jul 09, 2020 at 10:43 PM

I sent a what feels like super cringe worthy email to my therapist after session today and I see he's now responded and now I don't want to read his response. I'm sure he says that whatever I'm feeling is okay and normal, but there's part of me that's still scared to read it. Basically I told him in session that I was having some feelings about our relationship but that I didn't really want to talk about it while trying to reassure him that it wasn't something he'd done, but more just me feelings. The me feelings are jealousy that he has a partner to share things with and I don't and that sometimes I wish we could do things together (as friends, but who knows what he thinks I mean). Sometimes the restrictions of the therapy relationship can be really painful. I know I should have a life of my own, but I don't right now.

Lemoncake · Jul 10, 2020 at 06:47 AM

It's okay to be where you are where you are right now and perfectly normal to want a friendship/ feel jealous of our T's. It isn't a character flaw- but I can understand how talking about it can be hard.

I hope you can read the email when you're ready to.

chihirochild · Jul 10, 2020 at 07:23 AM

I’m so scared that I’m going to mess up this new thing with J (the guy I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks). I’m afraid that I’m so starved for affection that I’ll take whatever he has to offer in too-big gulps and he’ll see how needy I am and run for the hills. I’m afraid that because I’m so effed up and ugly and haven’t had a ton of serious relationships that I’ll either screw up a good thing or fail to notice the red flags of a bad thing.

This relationship feels so nice—I have moments of delirious happiness. But what if it’s not right? What if it is right but I eff it up?

I’m scared and I hate myself.

Lemoncake · 07:58 AM

I talked about being in a friendship triangle with creepy guy and another girl who is also my friend. They're not dating but act like they are sometimes.

Cause I stayed and he lives on the same floor as me we've been seeing each other a lot most days. We go food shopping/ have started studying again together. We agreed that we'd go out travelling on saturday at first he agreed saying not to tell Y. Now he's saying he can only go if Y gives him permission and he would have to ask her first. I don't like going anywhere on my own.

I also messaged my old best friend and we we're meeting up on monday.

Lemoncake · Jul 10, 2020 at 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I’m so scared that I’m going to mess up this new thing with J (the guy I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks). I’m afraid that I’m so starved for affection that I’ll take whatever he has to offer in too-big gulps and he’ll see how needy I am and run for the hills. I’m afraid that because I’m so effed up and ugly and haven’t had a ton of serious relationships that I’ll either screw up a good thing or fail to notice the red flags of a bad thing.

This relationship feels so nice—I have moments of delirious happiness. But what if it’s not right? What if it is right but I eff it up?

I’m scared and I hate myself.

Like with anything I think you have to take baby steps. It's okay to be scared.

I would advise any woman/man to look up 50 common red flags in a relationship just to be aware of what is and isn't okay. I had no idea of what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like.

50 Red Flags You Should Watch for in Your Relationship

Go slow with J. The only thing I think that fills up the neediness is truly loving yourself first- which I know is harder than saying it. I liked Kamal ravikant's book "love yourself like your life depends on it" or something like that.

LonesomeTonight · Jul 10, 2020 at 08:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I sent a what feels like super cringe worthy email to my therapist after session today and I see he's now responded and now I don't want to read his response. I'm sure he says that whatever I'm feeling is okay and normal, but there's part of me that's still scared to read it. Basically I told him in session that I was having some feelings about our relationship but that I didn't really want to talk about it while trying to reassure him that it wasn't something he'd done, but more just me feelings. The me feelings are jealousy that he has a partner to share things with and I don't and that sometimes I wish we could do things together (as friends, but who knows what he thinks I mean). Sometimes the restrictions of the therapy relationship can be really painful. I know I should have a life of my own, but I don't right now.

Hugs, NP. I've also had the experience before of seeing that my T replied but being afraid to read it. I think what you're feeling is completely normal and natural, and I hope your T understands it as you meant it and doesn't read more into it (like a romantic thing). I agree that the restrictions of T relationships can be really painful. I hope he responds well.

LostOnTheTrail · Jul 10, 2020 at 08:17 AM

I've also been afraid of reading responses from R in the past. You deserve support, NP...and I hope P responds well.

ElectricManatee · Jul 10, 2020 at 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I’m so scared that I’m going to mess up this new thing with J (the guy I’ve been seeing for the last few weeks). I’m afraid that I’m so starved for affection that I’ll take whatever he has to offer in too-big gulps and he’ll see how needy I am and run for the hills. I’m afraid that because I’m so effed up and ugly and haven’t had a ton of serious relationships that I’ll either screw up a good thing or fail to notice the red flags of a bad thing.

This relationship feels so nice—I have moments of delirious happiness. But what if it’s not right? What if it is right but I eff it up?

I’m scared and I hate myself.

I knew my wife was the right one when I realized that I felt comfortable being myself with her. You are smart and funny and caring, and he is clearly already responding to that. When bits of your history or your mental health stuff come up, see how he responds. Is he kind? Curious? Does he slowly reveal bits of his own "stuff"? (because everybody arrives at adulthood with at least some baggage!)

It's scary because you don't know what is going to happen, and this phase of the relationship is about figuring out whether you are a good fit for each other. If he wants somebody who doesn't have any struggles or a past, then he's probably not the guy for you anyway.

Maybe the scariest thing of all, though: what if he's nice?! and also into you?! I'm still trying to adjust to the weirdness of being loved deeply yet without criticism, and it's been almost a decade.

chihirochild · Jul 10, 2020 at 09:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I knew my wife was the right one when I realized that I felt comfortable being myself with her. You are smart and funny and caring, and he is clearly already responding to that. When bits of your history or your mental health stuff come up, see how he responds. Is he kind? Curious? Does he slowly reveal bits of his own "stuff"? (because everybody arrives at adulthood with at least some baggage!)

It's scary because you don't know what is going to happen, and this phase of the relationship is about figuring out whether you are a good fit for each other. If he wants somebody who doesn't have any struggles or a past, then he's probably not the guy for you anyway.

Maybe the scariest thing of all, though: what if he's nice?! and also into you?! I'm still trying to adjust to the weirdness of being loved deeply yet without criticism, and it's been almost a decade.

Thank you, EM

Last night he gently asked about therapy, if perhaps it was to address a particular struggle. I said I have a depression, and it ebbs and flows and sometimes gives me a very hard time. He said he didn’t have any personal experience with depression specifically but he held me tighter and said that if there was ever anything he could do to help he wanted to know about it.

I think I would be less scared if his baggage looked more like mine. But his questions were gently curious and his response was kind, so I suppose that’s a good thing.

NP_Complete · Jul 10, 2020 at 11:01 AM

I think the worst part of this whole we-can't-be-friends thing is that it makes me feel like a nobody and so insignificant, probably because I assume he wouldn't even want to be my friend.

At the end of my email to him I said I hope I'm not feeling too embarrassed to show up tomorrow. In his response he said "You better show up tomorrow!" and that there was nothing to be embarrassed about. I still feel kind of pathetic though. Session in two hours.

ElectricManatee · 11:24 AM

He sounds like a good dude. My wife's "stuff" is not similar to mine at all (except for some of the things about how much it sucks to be gay in a homophobic culture), and I think that's mostly a good thing. She wants to know what it's like to be me as a person with depression, and she doesn't make a ton of assumptions based on her own experience. Somewhat similarly, she has severe ADHD, and I find ways to help keep her organized or reduce her burden (like managing certain household things that are difficult for her). You can both learn to adapt to each other if the relationship seems worth it.

As for red flags, it helps to talk to friends and listen if they point out that something is off. If everybody is telling you the same thing about this guy, that's worth considering very carefully. My wife and I (because we are adorable nerds) read a book aloud to other about healthy relationships when we first got together, and that sparked interesting conversations. I don't know if normal people do that kind of thing, but it helped us figure each other out.

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Couch 217: The Order of the Phoenix couch

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ElectricManatee Magnate Member Since May 2017 Location: Earth Posts: 2,515 6 4,704 hugs given	Jul 09, 2020 at 01:55 PM #143 I'm feeling restless. It's too hot to go for an afternoon walk, which was my springtime quarantine go-to. Maybe drive around in circles? There are so many fun, relatively unsafe options that appeal to me right now.

Daffydungle Poohbah Member Since Apr 2020 Location: Nowhere Posts: 1,257 4 451 hugs given	Jul 09, 2020 at 05:56 PM #147 I have finally got round to watching The Big Bang Theory i am so Sheldon without the high iq.