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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 05:19 PM
  #1
Anyone like to share their experiences and insights of negative transference ? I've had it going on for weeks and it sucks. it's taking the form that my T sucks as well ( he doesn't really ). Maybe there's a part of me that's about 13 and really grumpy or something. He's really good with it but we're still working with phone sessions which aren't that conducive to the current situation.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 05:25 PM
  #2
is it possible it is coming from you being upset that you are unable to meet in person?

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 05:34 PM
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is it possible it is coming from you being upset that you are unable to meet in person?


Thanks , We talked about that possibility , but it happened before when I was seeing him. Probably there are many things contributing to this and not all of them cconscious.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:20 PM
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I have been experiencing that too. Sometimes he just doesn't give me what I need, what I want, and then I think it's proof that he doesn't care about me...so I push him away, I don't really need him right. Then everything he says or does seems to push my buttons. Even though I should know better. It usually gets better if I am as open as possible with him about it. I do need him. I think he does care about me.
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:34 PM
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Oh, Out There, I had to chuckle, “13” is an age where I got developmentally stuck. When things come up from different ages that I can identify T and I “name them” by age. 13 is the most likely to take issue with T or have transference. Anything can set off 13, teen years are so volatile anyway. 13 is mad at T for suggesting/pushing to moving to every other week due to finances. 13 is angry as all get out at T because adult me suggested working with another T the alternating weeks which would also help bring up my troubles with women. When my 13 gets set off it is when I struggle the most to not act out emotions.
So... I try to look at how things right now might be replicating what I was going through at 13. I try to look at the feelings 13 is having and what they were connected to then point out the differences between then and now. I try to add things to my self care that I would have liked at 13. Thankfully my T is also very good with 13 and understands what’s going on.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:37 PM
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I have been experiencing that too. Sometimes he just doesn't give me what I need, what I want, and then I think it's proof that he doesn't care about me...so I push him away, I don't really need him right. Then everything he says or does seems to push my buttons. Even though I should know better. It usually gets better if I am as open as possible with him about it. I do need him. I think he does care about me.

It's a really weird thing isn't it. Must be some really deep feelings. I told him about it and it feels like being stuck yet moving simultaneously. Thank you for your insight it's got me thinking.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:51 PM
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Oh, Out There, I had to chuckle, “13” is an age where I got developmentally stuck. When things come up from different ages that I can identify T and I “name them” by age. 13 is the most likely to take issue with T or have transference. Anything can set off 13, teen years are so volatile anyway. 13 is mad at T for suggesting/pushing to moving to every other week due to finances. 13 is angry as all get out at T because adult me suggested working with another T the alternating weeks which would also help bring up my troubles with women. When my 13 gets set off it is when I struggle the most to not act out emotions.
So... I try to look at how things right now might be replicating what I was going through at 13. I try to look at the feelings 13 is having and what they were connected to then point out the differences between then and now. I try to add things to my self care that I would have liked at 13. Thankfully my T is also very good with 13 and understands what’s going on.

That's made me chuckle too ! I told him a younger part is quite content with him , but I think 13 is definitely there at the moment. Those parts of ourselves are so complex what they feel and want/ need aren't they. I always am very interested in your work with your T and mention it to my T sometimes. We haven't gone back to in person sessions yet in the UK , so I was interested to read your thoughts and feelings about returning.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:52 PM
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I have negative transference all the time with my T. He is constantly reminding me of my abusers. Different things he does, trigger me. I tell him when it happens. We work through it and he tries to not be such an butt so as not to trigger me again for awhile.
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 06:55 PM
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I have negative transference all the time with my T. He is constantly reminding me of my abusers. Different things he does, trigger me. I tell him when it happens. We work through it and he tries to not be such an butt so as not to trigger me again for awhile.

Do you feel it lessens when this happens and you don't get triggered so much ?

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 07:15 PM
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Returning has been mixed. With my home situation I am glad to be out of the house. Being back in the office helps. The masks are a little bothersome but I can deal. I miss sitting on the couch (we can’t social distance on that side of the office). I won’t lie, it’s hard and we are both trying to make it work as well as possible and we are both struggling... I’d even say we are both hurting from how the distance is impacting our work. But this whole pandemic thing has changed so much between T and I. I crossed a LOT of boundaries because I just could not stop myself. Some he welcomed, some he accepted begrudgingly, some he gracefully refused... but no matter when/if we can go back to “normal” it will never go back to the same... for better and for worse.

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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 07:57 PM
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Do you feel it lessens when this happens and you don't get triggered so much ?
It takes me a session or two but it does get better for awhile. About every 2 months or so he will do something again and it starts all over. I have never been one of these people that love my T. I do a lot of pushing and do not have any kind of pisitive attachment.

When he pushes me a bit I will sometimes feel unsafe which triggers me. He was also getting irritated at me for a few months over various things. That triggered me bad. We are in a good place for now; just getting over an episode.

He really is a great T but he is all about progress and won't let me get away with anything.
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 01:33 AM
  #12
Negative transference has been part of my treatment for four years now. It is very tiring but inevitable I guess.

For the most part it has taken the form of anger and rage. I have been extremely angry, rageful, condescending, some T's would probably consider me also verbally abusive. It's not over but I would like to think that the process has lost the most of its power. What I mean by that is that earlier times it consumed me fully in sessions, I could not see through it at all. I left my sessions very tired and possibly also feeling very bad because although I got the satisfaction of attacking my T, I did not get the satisfaction from connection. Now it still happens in sessions quite often but it runs its course much quicker. Typically somewhere around the 20-30 minute mark or so I'm able to see for myself what is happening and I can step out of it a bit to establish the connection for the end of the session. Also, there are now short islands of periods where things feel different. These typically last for 1-2 weeks but I guess they have become longer and more frequent.

I don't have any smart insights. My experience only tells that if you have such hidden anger in yourself then it might take a lot of time and patience. My T has told me that taking and tolerating my anger has been very difficult for him. When I asked what does it mean "difficult", he explained that many times he felt that my anger was really targeting to destroy him and he felt the threat to become fragmented himself by it. He said that most of the times his main job has been to keep himself together, to accept my anger while not letting it destroy him.

It is very hard to describe this kind of therapy work to anyone. When I've tried to explain it to some friends, the typical answer I get are the questions of whether I think therapy is useful for me at all or whether I think I would need another therapist because it seems that I don't like the therapy and my therapist at all. So it seems that these kind of experiences seem quite alien to people.

Letting this process to roll out also has had its consequences or results, if you will. My stance towards my mother has changed. I think I have been able to separate from her (more?) in my mind, which expresses itself in that I don't feel irritated by her, I don't feel shame because of her being my mother (the one of the earliest feeling I remember in relation to her), I don't feel that I need to explain her something or make her understand something. Sure, I don't relate to her, i.e. I never contact her and I haven't met with her for years now. But I do answer the phone calls and I don't get upset about her interactions anymore. I do keep the conversations one sided though, by listening to her and telling her nothing about me and my life but I don't feel upset about it. I think I have been able to accept that she was not the mother I needed and it's ok that she will never fully understand what effect it had on me. I have the experience that someone has been there for me with my worst moments for years and that's enough.
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Default Jul 11, 2020 at 09:07 AM
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. . . My T has told me that taking and tolerating my anger has been very difficult for him. When I asked what does it mean "difficult", he explained that many times he felt that my anger was really targeting to destroy him and he felt the threat to become fragmented himself by it. He said that most of the times his main job has been to keep himself together, to accept my anger while not letting it destroy him.
. . .
Thanks, feileacan.

I suspect that's what my last T couldn't do -- as I've said before, she said that she didn't "have the emotional resources" to continue. And that (rejection/non-acceptance) DID destroy me, though the original destruction/trauma likely happened long ago.

I'm somewhat/sort of/kind of/maybe OK-ish today, some days at least. But it's been 5 years.

For what it's worth, I suspect that what was destroyed relates to what "should" be, or would have been, an "authentic", separate ego or sense of self. It's interesting that you have been able to separate somewhat from your mother, while still remaining in some contact.
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Default Jul 11, 2020 at 09:36 AM
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I suspect that's what my last T couldn't do -- as I've said before, she said that she didn't "have the emotional resources" to continue.
Yep, that's what I have understood based on your story.

Btw, my T has felt the need to use some quite drastic measures to protect the treatment. Paradoxically it means setting several ultimatums in the form of 'if X happens again, then the treatment is over'. When he has set these ultimatums I have been like 'how can you do this to me?'. But when I look at it from a distance, I can see that the less drastic methods would probably not be able to hold back my destructive part. Somehow I have always known that the core of my treatment will be my attempts to destroy it in every way I can and somehow I have also always known that my T has the capacity to work with that. But we are talking about doing things here, i.e. actions and not words, no matter how aggressive.

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It's interesting that you have been able to separate somewhat from your mother, while still remaining in some contact.
I don't know, is it really interesting? I mean, the initiative is all hers. If she wouldn't contact me, I would not feel any need to contact her either. My achievement is that I don't get upset when she contacts me.

I think I have found a quite good solution for myself. She doesn't get anything of me - she doesn't know about my life, my thoughts, my feelings. If something good happens to me, I don't share it with her. If I have problems, I will not seek support from her. She is not part of my family.

On the other hand, she can consider me as part of her family if she wants to and that does not define me. I've understood that occasionally calling me and talking to me about her life makes her feel good, makes her feel like she has a daughter. I know that she really doesn't but I consider it my achievement that I don't feel any desire anymore to deliver this message to her.
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Default Jul 11, 2020 at 10:43 AM
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. . .
I don't know, is it really interesting? . . .
OK, thanks, maybe not so interesting.
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