Ts Response to Childhood Abuse

Over the past couple of weeks T and I have been slowly starting to discuss my childhood. She labelled it as physical and emotional abuse which I found very difficult to accept even though deep down I know that’s accurate.
Today she was talking about the fact that there is still part of me that is stuck in my childhood and that part of me needs attending to and to be soothed. When I said there isn’t anybody around me that can do that and it leaves me feeling alone and like nobody cares, she said as hard as it is, it is actually my responsibility to make this happen and soothe myself. This brought up a huge amount of anger and I just shut down and acted like a childish brat because I hate that I’m left to fix myself on my own when I don’t have a clue how to do this and all I desperately want is for someone to scoop me up and take care of me. This is the first time
I’ve felt anger towards this T and I just felt like she had completely missed the point of how I was feeling and was just telling me that a bit of self care and I’ll be fixed.
I struggle to show any kindness or compassion to myself as I don’t think I deserve it and hate myself. I don’t know how to do it which she knows, and I just don’t know how to get out of the mindset of not being able to show myself kindness. It felt like she just seemed to think I should be able to click my fingers and all of a sudden I’ll think differently.
She clearly sensed I was annoyed as she asked me if I was angry but I just said no and then pretty much shut down. I now feel stupid for acting so childish and wasting a session and I know all of what she was saying was coming from a place to try and help me, but it just felt like I’m completely alone in trying to deal with all of this mess.
I totally get that I am the only one who can get myself better and I have to change my attitude. My recovery is my responsibility, but it was so hard to hear that that part of me that is still a small child is never going to get what it needs/wants.
So I guess I’m just looking for thoughts on how to deal with realising that I’m in this alone and getting over that reality of having nobody to ‘save’ me and care for me.

I understand not wanting to have to fix ourselves but unfortunately that is all there is at this point. The point of therapy is not to have the T fix you but to teach you the skills to "fix" yourself. My T always says I am not broken but I was dealt an extremely bad hand in the parenting department. Luckily or unluckily, I have DID so I am not in it alone. I have 9 others that are part of me with 4 kids that I know of so far. T always tells me it is my job to help them (and others sometimes). This really sucks. He knows I have no idea how so he is constantly telling me what to say and do to help those little ones. I hate when he tells me this and asks if I did this or that or I should tell them this or that. I don't want to be the one that is stuck with this problem. He knows it and always validates me by saying "no, it is not fair." It takes me a long time to get onboard with a lot of the stuff he suggests I do. Eventually I will give in and baby step into most of it. I hate to admit when he is right but sometimes he is. It sucks and it is a lot of hard and painful work. Remember it is your choice to do it or not. Unfortunately, there is no easy "fix" and your T can only guide you and walk with you on the path if that is what you choose. Good luck to you. HUGS.
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You’re totally right and I 100% get what you’re saying and realise it has to be me who does the hard and painful work.
I think it was just realisation of the fact that the child part of me that so desperately wants to be loved, cared for and soothed can’t ever get what it wants/needs. I guess maybe that there is some grief in that realisation?
I think I was hoping to hear her say that although the work is my responsibility and it isn’t her job to ‘fix’ me, she at least cared and wanted to support and help me find a way through. Which I guess is the child part searching for validation from other again.
I have to learn to tolerate and get through the pain rather than just shutting it down.

I'm sorry. That's a horrendously painful thing to hear from T and I have had the same reaction to similar comments made by the T's I've seen.

Yes ultimately the responsibility for healing lies with us; however the T CAN provide a caring, nurturing environment where we can feel cared for, understood and empathised with, which can eventually be internalised and given to ourselves.

It is very difficult to give ourselves loving care if we haven't been shown it by a nurturing figure. This is where T can come in.

Some people learn to do it all alone through inner child work, meditations etc but more often therapy is needed so the child part can have a space to be listened to and the deepest longings and needs to be heard and empathised with.

Therapists do vary on their stance when it comes to listening to the inner child's needs and feelings from reparenting clients to only responding to the adult part. I had a T who didn't acknowledge the child part and I didn't really heal as that part of me wasn't given a voice in there.

I think there's a balance - we have to parent ourselves yes, but the T can play a big part in providing a nurturing space which makes that possible.

It sucks. IMO it totally adds insult to injury... like you would know how to do something you’ve never seen or experienced. Most T’s are of this school of thought including all the T’s I have worked with except current T. Current T provides as much love, nurture and soothing as he possibly and ethically can in session... then he expects me to do my best to do it as part of my self care between sessions.

I am sorry that is hard to hear. I would want to say something like, "if I knew how I would not be sitting here".

my T phrases it as the ultimate goal is to get me to the point where I can sooth myself and heal heal from hurts. We are no where near that point so we will continue to work towards that goal.

This is really hard. Somethings are really hard to ask for as well. I missed out on good touching when I was little. I have asked my T (before pandemic) how can I heal from these things like touch, if that isn’t part of therapy. He said he touches other people but not me. And that I have to find ways to soothe myself and hug myself etc. I’m stuck with it, I don’t feel like I can heal from it, and it was awful to hear. I don’t feel able to bring it up with him again. I’m sorry I don’t have any answers, I guess I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.

There is SO much grief that goes along with this realization. It is so hard to let go of that dream, to realize that a mother was never there and never will be.
I disagree though, that we don't know how to nurture because we ourselves were never nurtured. I don't believe that you have never been kind to a another human being. That you wouldn't instinctively try to soothe a baby if there was a crying baby in front of you and no-one else around. You are human. Unless you are a sociopath, you KNOW how to be a decent human being to others. You KNOW what a hurting child needs to feel safe and loved and calm.
I don't think the hard part is knowing how to soothe... I think the hard part is knowing how to believe we ourselves are worthy of soothing. Of being cared for. Of being looked after. We know WHAT to do. We just aren't practised at giving it to ourselves, or accepting it from ourselves.
And, we certainly don't trust that it could ever be enough.

But it will be. It is. Challenging the beliefs that prevent you both giving it to yourself and receiving it from yourself will allow you to move forward from this and heal.

Why would he tell you that he touches other people but not you? It’s also information that he didn’t need to pass on. It’s very hurtful; I’m sorry.

I have no idea why he told me that. It made me feel like when/if I was a ‘good enough’ client, like the others, then he might touch me. And made me feel very dirty and unloveable. Thank you for understanding.

I totally get it and would feel the same way if a therapist had said that to me. Has it interfered with your relationship with him?

Hi I'm sorry I had a T who I had really strong maternal transference with but never told her said this to me and it hurt so much luckily it was near the end I when I left I just cried for ages and felt so bad and dirty. I didn't even as for a hug she just went to hug me and as soon as she did she stopped and said that I'm one she didn't hug

Bloody hell, that's brutal.

Yes it has, I know touch is a big problem for me and now I can’t really talk about it with him at all. I feel like the very worst thing that could happen if he touched me would be that I freaked out for some reason but I think that’s very unlikely. Best case, it could help me out a lot. But begging or asking for it kind of takes its healing power away.

Wow, that is a cruel thing to say to a client. I would be devastated if I wanted something from T only to have them tell me glibly how they gave it to other clients, but not me.

The intent of any disclosure is typically geared towards a client's benefit and/or well-being. What was beneficial in that, apart from creating a world of pain? Not only was this poorly done but not ethical either.