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Elio
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Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
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#1
As it sits right now, T and I are to see each other face to face on Tuesday (special occurrence). The week before last she returned to the office and all of our video visits have been from her office. I don't believe she is seeing people face to face on a regular basis if at all. We are meeting at a park near her office mostly by my request. We also believe this will allow us to go without masks if we are 6' apart. This will be the first time I will see her in person since my mom died. I was supposed to have a session the day my mom died, that turned into a phone call. The next day we had a video visit as I was still at my mom's house. She told me in that video visit that she was going to remote/video visits for all. Through that weekend, she was available to me for several emails and a phone call or 2. The next session was a video visit and she was at her home.
As the virtual visits have continued, our connection as wavered. Now the person I think about when I think of the in person sessions does not seem like the same person I have my virtual visits with. Mostly I feel this is from a transference perspective; she doesn't feel like mommy anymore. She feels like a T - a professional I hire to help me. Part of my therapy prior to all of this has resulted in me leaving many things at T's office. There are 2 reasons I asked not to meet at her office. The first one she knows about; which is that I'd feel like leaving was saying goodbye because of not knowing when or if I'd ever see the space again. For me from that emotional place, saying goodbye is a forever thing. At the same time, the other reason, which she doesn't know directly, is that I keep imagining packing up all of the things I've left there and in essences ghosting out of the space and starting my process of emotionally cutting off and ultimately terminating my therapy/our relationship. I have told her that this separation (the virtual visits) has been too long. I've told her that it feels like a rupture without all the angst and anger/hurt feelings. That there's too much "what's the point" feelings. We've also talked about how this shared event has changed our relationship. I feel bad because she has done so much. We have daily contact (either a session or an email) and have for just over a year. She's been a great T for me. She didn't cause any of this; which is so much the reenactment of my abandonment events. I don't know if I even want to see her now. I asked her if we could do this about 6-8 weeks ago. Neither of us really thought we'd still be at virtual visits. Neither of us thought this would last as long as it has. My state/county is one that is trying to find a way to slow things back down as cases are on the increase. And I so much want a hug from her, or other forms of physical comfort. This kind of touch was and has been forbidden/boundary. Our touch has been limited to handshakes, incidental contact, high fives, and the likes. Kind of hard to do a hug with a 6' distancing bubble. In the past, I've accepted the boundary around touch and the logical part of me completely agreed to it as it would confuse things way too much. Now, it feels just plain painful. Not sure what I want from this post; guess I just need some place to write it out and feel like someone heard/listened and maybe even understands the grief/pain. It just all sucks. |
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Grand Magnate
nottrustin
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Member Since: Jan 2014
Location: n/a
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#2
I definitely understand the pain. This has sucked. T and I have discussed on multiple occasions how hard it is. Even though she is still the same great person and therapist the sessions are just not the same. We have talked about how the energy and comfort cant be transmitted through the screen. Also, when I am in her office I felt safe and supported when discussing difficult topics plus I never had to worry about others hearing the conversations. We hugged frequently at the end of an appointment, usually when it was especially emotional. The last few weeks have have been through an emotional hell and not being able to just be there for that one hour where it is safe to cry and talk about my pain has made things harder. Back in may she said she feared not being able to go back to the office until the first of the year. We haven't discussed it since as it was really difficult to hear. She has been wonderfully supportive and has encouraged me to reach out to her first support between appointments which has helped a little, but it still feels like hell.
I thought of saying in a "joking" manner that I should drive to her town and we can walk along the ocean for an appointment (she has worked from home through this). We have gone for walks in the city where her office is located. __________________ |
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Legendary
Out There
Watching the Snow Leopards
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: England
Posts: 11,355
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#3
What complex feelings to deal with , how you feel has been heard and understood. Hugs
__________________ "Trauma happens - so does healing " |
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Elio, LonesomeTonight
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Grand Magnate
Omers
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Member Since: Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
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#4
My T agreed to meet via phone while I sat in my car and he sat on a bench next to the parking area (it was the best he could legally do in his area during the lock down). I declined and the following week the loosened restrictions enough that we could meet in his office, with masks, socially distanced. It helped a lot and he started by only offering it to a few clients and is slowly opening it up to more.
This event has totally changed my relationship with T in ways that can never be undone (good and bad). I am glad I have hung in there though and look forward to when this all passes over... __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
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Elio, LonesomeTonight
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catches the flowers
*Beth*
is practicing healthy breathing for brain, mind,
body, spirit.
Member Since: Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#5
You're tremendously fortunate to be able to see your therapist f2f, Elio. I hope your session goes really well.
I fully agree that much connection is lost during teletherapy. I'll feel a sense of connection, but then that sense of connection will become altogether faded. It's at that point when I begin to wonder if it's even worth the effort to continue with teletherapy. The obstacle in my location is that I don't expect teletherapy will become in office therapy for many months - if not a year, or more. By that time, I expect that my T will retire, or be close to retirement. So if I choose to stop teletherapy, that choice is pretty much, or entirely, putting an end to therapy with my T. And I'm just not interested in seeing yet another therapist. I have items in my T's office, too. It kind-of bothers me. Furthers the irrational, but very real, sense of having so much taken away from me. __________________ |
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Elio
is not home, please leave a message at the
beep.... ... ... ...
Member Since: Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,906
8,745 hugs
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#6
Follow up - Had my session. It was different. It felt like my public self was there. We ended up talking about my mother being dead and how the grief is going around that, a little about my weekend and my grandson that is visiting, then about a book series we are listening to that my grandson brought with him. We did not wear masks once we sat down on the ground. She did have a mask as well as a bandanna around her neck. She covered her mouth a few times while we were talking. I'm not even sure she was aware of doing it.
There was no touching though she brought hand sanitizer I think so that we might shake hands. I didn't ask; she didn't offer. There was no talking about future in person visits. There was comments of hoping things change soon and we can start in person visits again. It's going to be awhile still before that happens as we are in a state of increasing cases. Sigh. |
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Poohbah
coolibrarian
Coolibrarian is feeling anxious.
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,302
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#7
The problem is that NO ONE on earth can tell us what is going to happen next. For people who ALREADY struggle with mental health issues, this is a nightmare. I feel bad for people who are experiencing anxiety and depression for the first time, but they have NO IDEA how it is for someone like me, almost 61, who has survived with depression since AGE SIX. Come back in 54 years and tell me how you feel. Do I sound bitter? I'm bitter and irritable, even though I know my T is "trapped" in her house, too.
__________________ In a world where you can be anything, be kind. ; |
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