I finally feel like I'm ready to talk about certain things (CSA mostly) with T.

I have the next session with my T on Thursday and I actually for the first time ever felt that I'm ready to talk about what happened to me when I was younger. I have talked vaguely before but I never once said the word or said what exactly happened. But I feel ready now.

This morning I wrote a long email to BG (British Gymnastics) about my former coach, (some of you may have seen on the news that BG have opened an independent review). It felt empowering that I finally had a voice, and was able to tell my story, that I never did before. It made me realise how much better I feel now that I have made an statement, and it takes away the power that it has over me. I suffered years of body shaming, and cruel coaching, I ended my career when I was 15, believing that I was a coward and I was weak because I couldn't stand the pressure no more.

This made me realise that all those years I stayed silent about the abuse that happened to me while I was under the care of my foster father only did more damage. And only by talking about it, and opening up, that eventually I can live with it. I have avoided it for so long, I have been in therapy for years now but I never opened up about this. I was always scared to, but the longer I keep my mouth shut, the bigger the secret becomes and eventually it starts eating me away. But now I truly feel ready to face it. I have avoided it long enough, I have tried to convince myself again and again that nothing happened, but thats never done anything to make it go away, only talking and processing through it will.

I never thought that I will be ready to talk about it. But now I know what feeling ready feels like. It's been long, but trust me the day will come.

HUGS. That is a very brave step. I hope talking about it and discussing it goes well. Kit