too long

I think I might be heading towards a crisis.

I was in therapy to deal with my social isolation. i have my husband who is not abusive or anything, but he is not emotionally supportive.

I have a sister who lives in the USA. I live in Canada. She is busy with her kids and not great with feelings either. but visiting her is the best social contact available to me... except for now, that the borders are closed and will remain so forever.


I have zero friends.

Mother dead. Father deadbeat.

Two years ago when I started therapy I was so lost. I didn't feel human I was so isolated for so long.

My therapist and I had a powerful dynamic that really helped to pull me out. and also just the act of going into the office was therapeutic.. I was a little agoraphobic and had anxiety about having appointments and seeing people face to face and such...

I have made so much progress and seeing him every week always felt so good. so healing.. EYE CONTACT with a caring person... the way he opened the door for me, little things that made me feel like a valid person.

All taken away instantly at the beginning of this pandemic.

I have been patient. I have been optimistic...

I have been told wrongly over and over that in person sessions would be resuming soon.

Another false start this month...

I live in Ontario where they are being soooooo extra careful. They are not taking mental health needs into account.

And I am afraid I dont have many resources left....

I am falling into despair. This is starting to feel permanent. Will I ever sit across the room from my therapist again? will i receive his healing loving energy? It doesn't come through the same way though video calls.

My computer freezes a lot it takes the momentum and closeness away.

I am once again isolated from human contact..

In the last couple of weeks I have been feeling those old urges... to do trigger warning things... Powerful urges. I have to curl in a ball and just breath through them.

I don't know how to cope... the only thing that was there to help me has been taken away...

The universe is playing a cruel joke on me. And i know its not me. i know there are countless others suffering like this...

But it does feel personal to me.. there are other details but I dont want to get too muddy here.


This is my perfect torture... omg.....!

I see you, JustExisting.

I understand. It is ridiculously hard.

I'm sending strength.

I would volunteer to be injected with covid if I could just have one last two hour session in person. Finalize my business and take the plunge. Live or die, whatever!

Normal service will resume. It's going to take a lot longer than we'd like...but I have faith that it will resume.
I get the desperation, though. I feel like I've backslid considerably since teletherapy, even as my therapist agrees that our relationship has become 'more real.'

Im sure it will resume one day. Im just not sure ill be here to see it.

JustExisting, you say what I feel.

I hope you can hang in there.
Sending peace

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Teletherapy is nowhere near the same. Have you talked about all this with your T? Maybe there's something he could do to help you feel the connection more over the computer? And just talking about it might help some.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustExisting Im sure it will resume one day. Im just not sure ill be here to see it.

I feel the same way.

I'm in Ontario as well.

This pandemic has profoundly affected my life. Suddenly everything I worked for was taken from me. Now I have no idea what will happen. It really gets me down. Checking out of life is something that I have been thinking about too.

Just wanted to chime in and say that I’m also in Ontario, and my T started seeing clients face to face (on an as needed basis) back in June. The office is encouraging people to keep with teletherapy, but f2f is an option.
So have hope - things will resume soon. 😊

I'm sorry to hear how hard this has been for you. It is hard. I understand the grief that one might feel at the loss of this connection. I also understand the frustration, anger, and sadness of seeing one's progress slipping away and the powerless feeling of being able to stop it/change it. So much change and so little we can do about it.

I wholeheartedly agree that it's been too long for many; myself included.

My current mantras are:
Keep hanging in there the best you can.
Try to remember that you made a connection to your T once and that it will be possible to reconnect to them again even if it doesn't feel that way; even if you don't feel that connection now.

On another note, I was able to have a face to face visit yesterday, the first in 4 months. Even though the connection was not even close to the same feeling and really only my public self showed up for most the visit, there were moments where I felt like my connection to my T could/can be reestablished once we are able to see each other again in person. That thought/feeling is feeling pretty good at the moment. I don't know when we will have another face to face visit, yesterday was a special occasion.

Oh regarding your old urges and so on, I'm not sure what your urges and such are, my T and I went through a stage where she worked with me around my feelings for when I did slip back to those old urges. At least for me and what mine are, my T supported the notion that it is "ok" to give into them when my best has no other way to deal with the distress. This ok was more around getting me to accept (not feeling guilty or punishing myself) that I am doing my best and sometimes my best at a given moment might be acting in a way that has been soothing in the past.

**Disclaimer, talking about behaviors towards oneself** I'm not advocating that you do those behaviors as I don't know what your past behaviors are, I don't know how dangerous they are for you. I do know that if you find yourself using them to get through, you don't need to feel guilty for doing something in the now that helps one survive the distresses of living. Surviving the now, allows one to pick up the pieces and move forward in the tomorrow. If things get too distressing that we don't survive the now, then there is no tomorrow. With that concept in mind, some of the discussion was around trying to keep the distress from getting to the point that I didn't didn't want to exist anymore. It was more along the lines that it was ok to give up/give into those urges and "live to fight another day" concept than the concept that those actual behaviors were "ok" or even the safest behaviors. And with the awareness/discussions that we are working towards finding what would be safer (better for me) behaviors when trying to deal with the distresses of living.

Again, only you can determine how destructive/dangerous giving in would be for you.

Just wanted to say that I live in Alberta and most counseling place are still over the phone or zoom. It's very hard. Finally about 5 weeks ago feeling very over whelmed my therapist can meet with me in a bigger room they have at mental health. The thought that therapy will never go back to normal is constantly a worry to me, because if the cases go up then I will probably go back to phone. It's nice that I can see my therapist face to face and I am probably the only select few clients who can right now. Maybe you could ask your therapist if you can meet you outside or in a bigger room.

He is very aware that online socializing which was all i had for years and years ultimately proved unsatisfying, and that was one of the reasons in person therapy was so important to me. This was established before the outbreak. He knows. His office wont let him commence there. Even if we did, they have small rooms and we would have to wear masks the whole time, which would possibly throw me into some kind of blind rage... Not a good idea... or plexiglass between us... omg... horrible to think about. dehumanizing. I NEED NORMALCY. that was part of my therapy. Normalcy is over. There is no therapy for me.

I am sending love and compassion to you. i am so sorry you feel that you have lost everything! This is unfair to so many people. I think measures should be taken to protect against the virus but I truly think this is all being taken too far and the most vulnerable people are being stepped on so that politicians can claim they did their best to protect us. I think they see this as an opportunity to cull the herd. i think they are trying to drive us to suicide.

I just read an article that claimed a recent study shows that loneliness has not increased since the start of the pandemic. Propaganda to bury the truth. We wont be remembered. The suicide rates dont matter, only covid deaths.

Sorry I'm in a dark place. I truly hope you pull through. I hope that I pull through... I hope freedom comes back some day. Mostly empty hope... wishful thinking...

i truly think his office is waiting for a vaccine. It will be years. Therapy is over for me. I lost it. it isn't coming back. I cant do this for years. i cant do this for 6 more months. At first, when it was only a "2 week lock-down" I was already afraid of that, but I tried to hold on to optimism and push through... This has already been just too much!

I'm glad you found more freedom with your therapist though.

My urges are suicide. i was trying not to get too graphic... but I feel gravitationally pulled to it lately.... hanging on to the edge of a cliff.

Don't worry I dont take your message as a push. I know you had lesser self harms in mind... I have been using drugs. He knows. He supports me in my self soothing. Its all i have right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustExisting Sorry I'm in a dark place. I truly hope you pull through. I hope that I pull through... I hope freedom comes back some day. Mostly empty hope... wishful thinking...

There is no need to feel sorry. Your feelings are valid and need to be heard.

I've noticed that more and more, teletherapy is wearing on clients. I'm trying really hard to remain with it, and to be optimistic. That said, I doubt I will ever do f2f with my therapist again. I'm pretty sure she'll retire before in person resumes. And it doesn't help that she keeps cancelling appointments.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and come up with some great idea for you. I do encourage you to discuss your feelings about teletherapy with your therapist. I did with mine; somehow, just letting it out was validating and did help me to become a bit more accepting of tele.