advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 07-27-2020, 10:53 PM   #11
NP_Complete
Magnate
 
NP_Complete's Avatar
NP_Complete is still here
 
Member Since: Feb 2017
Location: the upside down
Posts: 2,723 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
4,968 hugs
given
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
My first T said "We disturb ourselves." Pretty much meaning it is our thoughts and what we say to ourselves create our problems.
Sorry, still victim blaming for me. My husband set our house on fire (with me in it, if that matters) which caused me some distress. Is that somehow still my fault? Maybe it is. That's still something I'm trying to work out. Should I still have to communicate with myself that my thinking about this event is creating my problems? Or is it just intrinsically that this event is troubling? I'd like to believe that one's husband trying to burn one's house down is by it's very nature troubling and not to have to second guess myself that this was traumatizing for me.
NP_Complete is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 07-28-2020, 03:56 AM   #12
Lonelyinmyheart
Grand Member
Lonelyinmyheart has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 814 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
1,283 hugs
given
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
My first T said "We disturb ourselves." Pretty much meaning it is our thoughts and what we say to ourselves create our problems.
I think it's true up to a point as our thoughts do cause us a lot of suffering and changing our perspective or not taking our thoughts seriously can bring more peace. BUT it's human to be affected by other people, circumstances and situations and some are so extreme that it is only natural to be disturbed. With any statement like this, I think balance is key, not seeing it as absolute either way.
Lonelyinmyheart is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 07-28-2020, 05:10 AM   #13
Lonelyinmyheart
Grand Member
Lonelyinmyheart has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 814 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
1,283 hugs
given
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
I am laying around because I can not go out as it is 96 degrees in addition there is no where to go because of COVID and my husband has cancer so I have to reduce my risk. I do get up every morning and workout, cook breakfast and clean up, make sure my work is done for the up coming week but then there is just nothing to do. I do have enough work during the week to keep me on the sane side but that nagging logging and obsession of him shrouds me like the grim reaper.
I totally get how painful this kind of obsession is. I experienced something similar many years ago for someone (not a T) who I had a special relationship with but was then cold shouldered.

Ultimately, I found that only focusing my attention elsewhere helped me to move on. I know that probably feels impossible for you because you don't have much to do currently. Could you start a course online or take up a new activity like learning a language or playing an instrument? I'm NOT trying to minimalise your pain, at all. I know how desperate it feels. But I think that analysing your obsession and looking at your ex T's profile and all those things probably only serve to feed into your obsession further at this stage and the answer is to try and focus elsewhere. It will feel impossible to begin with so self-discipline is important. Maybe also try some things that feed your soul - sitting out in the garden/in a park nearby, journaling out your emotions, meditation. I know there's a big gaping emptiness and you feel like you'll die without him - I've been there. It's a horrible form of grief as there's no closure but with any grief it's possible to learn to live with it and manage it without feeling unable to function, it will just take a lot of time and determination to do so.

Last edited by Lonelyinmyheart; 07-28-2020 at 05:35 AM..
Lonelyinmyheart is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 07-28-2020, 07:41 AM   #14
MoxieDoxie
Magnate
 
MoxieDoxie's Avatar
MoxieDoxie trust is a myth and caring is a painful lie
 
Member Since: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 2,605
5 yr Member
356 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart View Post
I totally get how painful this kind of obsession is. I experienced something similar many years ago for someone (not a T) who I had a special relationship with but was then cold shouldered.

Ultimately, I found that only focusing my attention elsewhere helped me to move on. I know that probably feels impossible for you because you don't have much to do currently. Could you start a course online or take up a new activity like learning a language or playing an instrument? I'm NOT trying to minimalise your pain, at all. I know how desperate it feels. But I think that analysing your obsession and looking at your ex T's profile and all those things probably only serve to feed into your obsession further at this stage and the answer is to try and focus elsewhere. It will feel impossible to begin with so self-discipline is important. Maybe also try some things that feed your soul - sitting out in the garden/in a park nearby, journaling out your emotions, meditation. I know there's a big gaping emptiness and you feel like you'll die without him - I've been there. It's a horrible form of grief as there's no closure but with any grief it's possible to learn to live with it and manage it without feeling unable to function, it will just take a lot of time and determination to do so.
I have tried finding other things. I emailed a wildlife rehab place but I need pre-rabies vaccines that cost $850 to get and insurance will not cover it unless I was getting them for travel.

I did sign up for a weekend workshop that is virtual in two weeks. I have looked for other things but cant find anything at this moment.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
MoxieDoxie is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 07-28-2020, 08:10 AM   #15
Lonelyinmyheart
Grand Member
Lonelyinmyheart has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 814 (SuperPoster!)
1 yr Member
1,283 hugs
given
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
I have tried finding other things. I emailed a wildlife rehab place but I need pre-rabies vaccines that cost $850 to get and insurance will not cover it unless I was getting them for travel.

I did sign up for a weekend workshop that is virtual in two weeks. I have looked for other things but cant find anything at this moment.
I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Just keep trying to find other stuff to focus on. Other things that help me include inspiring videos, spiritual ones if you're that way inclined, otherwise stories of human bravery, overcoming suffering etc, plus watching lots of comedy even if I don't feel like it as it does start to sink in. You can do so many things online including learning a musical instrument or a language. You could maybe blog about your experience with this T to help others?

It's important to feel your emotions and not force yourself to feel differently but by the same token it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of reinforcing pain. Like any grief, make time for the feelings as and when they come up, but try and make yourself think about other things. It WILL get easier to cope with.
Lonelyinmyheart is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 07-29-2020, 02:33 AM   #16
Ssigros
Member
 
Ssigros's Avatar
Ssigros I don't know how to fix my brain so I'll just keep making jokes.
 
Member Since: Oct 2017
Location: NC
Posts: 39
2 yr Member
62 hugs
given
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Dear ex-T,

You broke my heart. I had broken up with my ex of 4 years just weeks prior of you "breaking up" therapeutically with me and you leaving me hurt way worse and was more significant to me than leaving my ex. Maybe you weren't the right T for me because I remember you telling me that you don't normally treat the intensive issues I deal with, but then why did you agree to continue to see me for over a year and tell me that you wouldn't leave me when you knew of my abandonment issues and obviously couldn't keep that type of promise in the first place? Yes, I trusted you as much as I could trust. It wasn't fully, but it grew little by little with each session. I tried so hard and gave so much in that office every week, then I felt left in the cold. I didn't even know our last session was the end til you told me 10 minutes in. No warning session to process and then end with an actual last session. Then you expected me to stay and get the information of other T's you already had ready for me. You looked sad when I stormed out without even taking the information you worked hard to get me, but why would I want to ever try beginning a new therapy relationship after that? Trust is now nonexistent. I'm embarrassed to say I cried myself to sleep everyday for a month and then off and on for a few months. I'm not upset with you. I know you were trying to help in the only way you knew how to do. I'm mad at the fact that I didn't heed your warning of your therapy expertise. Deep down I knew that I needed a therapist trained in working with my issues, but I made my decision to stick with you as my T based off my feelings and our chemistry. Tell me though, since you are the professional, why did you decide to still treat me?
Ssigros is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 08-01-2020, 01:48 PM   #17
MoxieDoxie
Magnate
 
MoxieDoxie's Avatar
MoxieDoxie trust is a myth and caring is a painful lie
 
Member Since: Jul 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 2,605
5 yr Member
356 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

I really need you to talk head on about my Idealizing transference to you and how it is ruining my life right now. I am not ok.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
MoxieDoxie is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 08-01-2020, 03:22 PM   #18
comrademoomoo
Veteran Member
comrademoomoo has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 674
1 yr Member
Default Re: Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

Actually, you were ok.
comrademoomoo is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 06:50 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.