Dear Ex-T: I really want to tell you something

You think you helped me be higher functioning but you left me feeling more broken then ever. You are having fun mountain bike riding, learning to fly fish and kayaking while I lay on the couch suffering and talking another therapist about you!!

MoxieDoxie my heart goes out to you. And from what your signature says, you have experienced too much and are waiting for the day that something can be done. And maybe that is FAR from the truth. But laying around, is that doing anything for you?

When I lay around, or watch TV all day, I feel worse. Then when I get up off my butt and do something my mood improves. Have you noticed that? Abuse and Trauma linger past the event. And each event can trigger both shrinkage and growth. Maybe this will help. For years I let the bullies and those who disrecpected me win, thinking that it was TRUE! Just in the last 24 hours, I find that I have had a part in that. Now some may say, Duh of course it would. But I believed what I was told. What made me switch from shrinkage to growth was a book that can be controversial. But it was important for me to see that the abuse triggered a series of events to happen that caused much pain and suffering. Heartbeats of Hope by Daniel Fisher, MD, PhD taught me a LOT. He is a doctor who recovered from schizophrenia. Some may not believe that but I do. What he found was what he was search for when he was a kid, and it reminds me of your signature. He found that when he reconnected with others and not let the fear take hold that he was able to break free from his deliusions. Basically think his way out, just like when we think ourselves into the "disorder." I know that will be debated, but please don't debate it, do your own homework about trauma and discover it for yourself. Read Daniel Fisher's book and see for yourself.

What once was doesn't have to be today's misery. You are NOT broken, You can grow from your past. And change the face of humanity, one person at a time. Would you join me in spreading HOPE??

I am laying around because I can not go out as it is 96 degrees in addition there is no where to go because of COVID and my husband has cancer so I have to reduce my risk. I do get up every morning and workout, cook breakfast and clean up, make sure my work is done for the up coming week but then there is just nothing to do. I do have enough work during the week to keep me on the sane side but that nagging logging and obsession of him shrouds me like the grim reaper.

Having work is great. Having the grim reaper around is never fun. Heat doesn't help either. I am here for you.

To my therapist I had at my high school in senior year (alternative school)

I liked you a lot. We got along really well. You didn’t always believe me when I told you stuff. But I was able to over look that. What I realize now with my current T, is I can get used to any 30 something attractive looking therapist very easily. It’s not hard for me to adjust. Maybe I just trust easily.

You let me down.

Well I will not call you ex T as I feel like you are still my T. You taught me so much. It is horrible that we never had any type of closure. It is times like we are currently in that I really need you. You were use to being alone for thr most part. I suspect this would not be too much of a challenge for you. You could still be sitting by you pool with you dog and cat while listening to music.

Since you are not here, I still often think what would T say in this moment, especially since I have so many reminders around my house of you. Your favorite flowers are blooming right now.

Dear Ex-T: I miss you. Thank you for texting me yesterday. I miss that. I hadn't heard from you since maybe February though I had texted and emailed you. I had sort of given up that you would respond, but you did! Saturday was a big day for me, a positive day, and you recognized that. It felt so good to hear from you. I'm still attached you know? Not as much. But attached. I'm more attached to you than I am current T. But at least it doesn't hurt so much anymore when I don't hear from you. But how my heart leaps when I do! Love you, Kit

Saying someone thought themselves into a "disorder" (as if it's not even real?) sounds a lot like victim blaming.

My first T said "We disturb ourselves." Pretty much meaning it is our thoughts and what we say to ourselves create our problems.

Sorry, still victim blaming for me. My husband set our house on fire (with me in it, if that matters) which caused me some distress. Is that somehow still my fault? Maybe it is. That's still something I'm trying to work out. Should I still have to communicate with myself that my thinking about this event is creating my problems? Or is it just intrinsically that this event is troubling? I'd like to believe that one's husband trying to burn one's house down is by it's very nature troubling and not to have to second guess myself that this was traumatizing for me.

I think it's true up to a point as our thoughts do cause us a lot of suffering and changing our perspective or not taking our thoughts seriously can bring more peace. BUT it's human to be affected by other people, circumstances and situations and some are so extreme that it is only natural to be disturbed. With any statement like this, I think balance is key, not seeing it as absolute either way.

I totally get how painful this kind of obsession is. I experienced something similar many years ago for someone (not a T) who I had a special relationship with but was then cold shouldered.

Ultimately, I found that only focusing my attention elsewhere helped me to move on. I know that probably feels impossible for you because you don't have much to do currently. Could you start a course online or take up a new activity like learning a language or playing an instrument? I'm NOT trying to minimalise your pain, at all. I know how desperate it feels. But I think that analysing your obsession and looking at your ex T's profile and all those things probably only serve to feed into your obsession further at this stage and the answer is to try and focus elsewhere. It will feel impossible to begin with so self-discipline is important. Maybe also try some things that feed your soul - sitting out in the garden/in a park nearby, journaling out your emotions, meditation. I know there's a big gaping emptiness and you feel like you'll die without him - I've been there. It's a horrible form of grief as there's no closure but with any grief it's possible to learn to live with it and manage it without feeling unable to function, it will just take a lot of time and determination to do so.

I have tried finding other things. I emailed a wildlife rehab place but I need pre-rabies vaccines that cost $850 to get and insurance will not cover it unless I was getting them for travel.

I did sign up for a weekend workshop that is virtual in two weeks. I have looked for other things but cant find anything at this moment.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. Just keep trying to find other stuff to focus on. Other things that help me include inspiring videos, spiritual ones if you're that way inclined, otherwise stories of human bravery, overcoming suffering etc, plus watching lots of comedy even if I don't feel like it as it does start to sink in. You can do so many things online including learning a musical instrument or a language. You could maybe blog about your experience with this T to help others?

It's important to feel your emotions and not force yourself to feel differently but by the same token it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of reinforcing pain. Like any grief, make time for the feelings as and when they come up, but try and make yourself think about other things. It WILL get easier to cope with.

Dear ex-T,

You broke my heart. I had broken up with my ex of 4 years just weeks prior of you "breaking up" therapeutically with me and you leaving me hurt way worse and was more significant to me than leaving my ex. Maybe you weren't the right T for me because I remember you telling me that you don't normally treat the intensive issues I deal with, but then why did you agree to continue to see me for over a year and tell me that you wouldn't leave me when you knew of my abandonment issues and obviously couldn't keep that type of promise in the first place? Yes, I trusted you as much as I could trust. It wasn't fully, but it grew little by little with each session. I tried so hard and gave so much in that office every week, then I felt left in the cold. I didn't even know our last session was the end til you told me 10 minutes in. No warning session to process and then end with an actual last session. Then you expected me to stay and get the information of other T's you already had ready for me. You looked sad when I stormed out without even taking the information you worked hard to get me, but why would I want to ever try beginning a new therapy relationship after that? Trust is now nonexistent. I'm embarrassed to say I cried myself to sleep everyday for a month and then off and on for a few months. I'm not upset with you. I know you were trying to help in the only way you knew how to do. I'm mad at the fact that I didn't heed your warning of your therapy expertise. Deep down I knew that I needed a therapist trained in working with my issues, but I made my decision to stick with you as my T based off my feelings and our chemistry. Tell me though, since you are the professional, why did you decide to still treat me?

I really need you to talk head on about my Idealizing transference to you and how it is ruining my life right now. I am not ok.

Actually, you were ok.

Given that I've now written about my experience with you, please can you get out of my head?

Missing you like crazy right now. We were suppose to prepare me for when all my kids were out of high school. You understood how hard it would be for me. Sad that I am working through this alone