Unmet needs - this is what helped me

I haven’t posted in quite awhile. Today I read a couple of posts from people on here talking about the pain of their unmet needs stemming from childhood. I so relate. The loss for me was so great ( trigger warning)

I was planning to end my life. Around September of last year I attended church occasionally and decided to ask an older couple I saw if they would be willing to be a spiritual mentor to me. (I’m a Christian). I told them I know this was an odd request but that I never had someone I could look up to and that I felt this was something I needed and felt moved to ask them. They were deeply honored and felt like it was a God moment. They didn’t think it was weird at all. So after that, we exchanged info and decided to meet up once a week. We would talk about life and our relationship with God. We did this from September until March. Around December I started feeling like they were parental figures to me and I struggled with wondering if those feelings would ever be reciprocal. Eventually I talked to them about it and it ended up being the best thing in the world. They said I was like a daughter to them. Since then, they have treated me like a part of their family. I am getting my voids filled and the parental love I have always wished for. I am also seeing a therapist and am able to do so much healing work because of the outside support I now have. Before I had this support, therapy was incredibly slow and painful. So that’s the advice that I have for those who are withering away from unmet needs. Find yourself a mentor couple. You won’t ever get those needs met through therapy. You have to put yourself out there and risk rejection but don’t stop until you find someone. Most will be honored you asked them. Please feel free to ask me any questions about it. I know not everybody will feel that this is an option or helpful for them but I just wanted to throw out there what helped me. My whole life has changed because of it.

So what you are saying is go find a mommy and daddy? I am over 50 yrs old. I highly doubt I will be able to find that unless I go find some fetish place and pay for it.

It's great that this is working for you, but I don't think that most couples would be honoured to receive an invitation to be mentors. It is a strange request and I think most people would be uncomfortable with the idea. Maybe this kind of thing is different with church folk, I don't know.

My mentors are only 17 years older than me. Since this has happened, I have been trying to start a group of people who want to mentor other people. There are lots of people in their 60’s, 70’s and 80’s wanting to mentor. It’s not too late if you’re in your 50’s or older. It’s never too late to try and get those needs met. Mentors also don’t have to be parental age. They can also be more like a big sister or brother. But if my situation doesn’t sound appealing to you then that’s totally understandable!

In my experience, people have been honored to be thought of as a mentor and asked. It’s better to ask for something that sounds strange than continue to go without.

Finding a "new family" is certainly a way to help oneself overcome childhood trauma. I don't think that doing so is unusual in a religious environment. You were courageous to ask, Nik. I hope it works out really well for you

I'm also (like others here) much too old for new parents. If I was a truly loving, giving, and stable person, I could adopt an elder...in fact...not a terrible idea for me, at some point.

If I was in your position (age, religious community) my nagging fear would be the same terror I have about my therapist, which is abandonment. And boundaries. And wondering if I *really* belong in those people's lives. What about their blood family? I would be so afraid of being seen as the outsider. Or the third wheel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nik87 In my experience, people have been honored to be thought of as a mentor and asked. It’s better to ask for something that sounds strange than continue to go without.

That's specific, I think, to a religious community. And it's a potentially wonderful aspect of a religious community...the sense of being a tribe, an extended family.

But most people are not part of that sort of community - for many reasons.

I remember you talking about that. I'm glad it worked out for you. HUGS Kit

I'm glad this has worked well for you. Support like this can come in many forms. For my husband, it was being accepted by and loved by my own family - seeing that there is such a thing as functionality and kindness in relationships of family. It was nothing like a mentorship situation - just consistency and constancy over time.

We've sort of "taken in" several people into our own family over the last 10 years. Both of my older kids invited their significant others into our home, knowing we were willing and accepting of others. These were people who came from broken backgrounds and they, too, needed time to realize we are people who can be trusted to be supportive and honest. In no way did we taken on the "parental mentor" role with them; they were adults. But we respected them and welcomed them into our family life and our home as equal members of our family.

Your model of church support by a couple is probably not realistic as an option for most people, but that idea of finding a support system is important. I don't think we all need "parental figures" to find that support though - simply supports that are honest and accepting and consistent.