The Phone Call

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 01:16 PM

So as many of you know, I've been struggling with my T being out on sick leave for the past 5 weeks. No one knows whether she'll return this month or not. She did text her receptionist this morning and said her lungs are looking clear and she's feeling much better.

Anyway, I received a call this morning from another therapist in the clinic. When I was going to the clinic 2 or 3 times per week (prior to telehealth) this particular therapist seemed unappealing to me. She seemed to have a dull personality. I really like to smile at people and show warmth, but every time I would see her I'd smile at her and she never returned even one smile. She'd just look blank. It was weird. I finally stopped smiling at her.

So this morning she called and said she's offering to see any of M's clients to "provide support" while M. is out.

Now, this is what confused me. On the phone she sounded sweet and caring. Not like that unfriendly person I stopped smiling at.

Yesterday I had pretty much made peace with M.'s absence. I decided that I would put to use what I'm learning in therapy, which is to effectively cope with life's challenges. I was feeling good about my decision.

So now I've found the message from A., the other therapist. I'm stuck, really stuck. If I go ahead and make an appointment with her (teletherapy, UGH), what if everything just gets more complicated? Am I better off to hold my own and be patient (which I also learn from, because waiting for a resolution to a painful situation is always extremely anxiety-producing for me)- or would it be beneficial to make an appointment with A. and take the chance that I will end up feeling more confused and rabbled up?

Any ideas?

here today · Aug 03, 2020 at 01:51 PM

It's good to hear that M seems to be improving. Have they told you what the illness is? Covid? Something else? Or is that part of the stuff that they don't feel like clients need to know or worry about. And I guess they still can't tell you an estimated return date?

Given all that, I'd say, what's the harm in trying? Keep your "boundaries", your guard up. Talk about generalities of coping with life, the pandemic, not too deep on how M's absence is affecting you. Try to use your observation and intuition to get a some kind of a gauge, may be wrong but a start anyway, on what she is really like and what she might be able to provide in terms of "support". If the first session doesn't go well, then no need to make another, is there?.

comrademoomoo · Aug 03, 2020 at 02:10 PM

In your position, and as painful as this might be, I would be assuming that the substantive part of my work with my therapist had ended. I would hope for some final contact to say goodbye, but it does not look promising for anything more medium/long term. I would revert to self-preservation mode, not always healthy or useful of course. You can have sessions with the new therapist without committing to anything more, see how it sits with you.

I took part in a seminar recently about seduction in therapy - not sexual seduction. How client or therapist can emotionally seduce the other by (un)consciously tapping into the desires or needs of the other. It sounds like the new therapist might have seduced you with her sweet and caring way. I would be interested in exploring that with her, if nothing else.

MoxieDoxie · Aug 03, 2020 at 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I took part in a seminar recently about seduction in therapy - not sexual seduction. How client or therapist can emotionally seduce the other by (un)consciously tapping into the desires or needs of the other. It sounds like the new therapist might have seduced you with her sweet and caring way. I would be interested in exploring that with her, if nothing else.

That seminar sounds interesting. Where did you take it?

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by here today

It's good to hear that M seems to be improving. Have they told you what the illness is? Covid? Something else? Or is that part of the stuff that they don't feel like clients need to know or worry about. And I guess they still can't tell you an estimated return date?

M. has severe asthma. She was hit with a bad flare-up in early July. 2 years ago her asthma turned into pneumonia and she ended up in hospital for 2 months. It was touch and go as far as whether she'd pull through. So what she's trying to avoid now is another pneumonia battle.

No estimated return date.

Given all that, I'd say, what's the harm in trying? Keep your "boundaries", your guard up. Talk about generalities of coping with life, the pandemic, not too deep on how M's absence is affecting you. Try to use your observation and intuition to get a some kind of a gauge, may be wrong but a start anyway, on what she is really like and what she might be able to provide in terms of "support". If the first session doesn't go well, then no need to make another, is there?.

Thanks, here today. No, there wouldn't be any need to continue with A., especially if M. returns next week.

M.'s absence is exactly what I was going to talk about, lol. You don't think that's a good idea?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

comrademoomoo · Aug 03, 2020 at 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

That seminar sounds interesting. Where did you take it?

It was an online event. Unfortunately, it wasn't recorded due to the personal material which was shared by participants so I don't have a link to share, but it was very interesting.

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

In your position, and as painful as this might be, I would be assuming that the substantive part of my work with my therapist had ended. I would hope for some final contact to say goodbye, but it does not look promising for anything more medium/long term. I would revert to self-preservation mode, not always healthy or useful of course. You can have sessions with the new therapist without committing to anything more, see how it sits with you.

I took part in a seminar recently about seduction in therapy - not sexual seduction. How client or therapist can emotionally seduce the other by (un)consciously tapping into the desires or needs of the other. It sounds like the new therapist might have seduced you with her sweet and caring way. I would be interested in exploring that with her, if nothing else.

Thanks, c. Honestly, since my current therapist was gone for 3 months back when we first began therapy 2 years ago I have felt that my therapy with her is fairly impermanent. Also, she's coming up on 70. She insists she's not going to retire any time soon, but her health might dictate otherwise.

She'll be back before too much longer, I believe- but obviously her health is a very real consideration.

Omers · Aug 03, 2020 at 03:21 PM

I would give A a try. If their are other T’s clients in the waiting area when my T comes out he is super cold and brisk. He is super warm with his clients/when he gets up into the office.

divine1966 · Aug 03, 2020 at 03:31 PM

I’d agree to see this t for a session. You never know. People aren’t always what they seem. Not smiling could be for 100 reasons? Just speculating here but in some cultures excessive smiling to strangers or people you barely know isn’t encouraged. Etc I’ll try a session

Lonelyinmyheart · Aug 03, 2020 at 03:47 PM

She might be an introvert. Some introverts come across unfriendly to most people but are different in a one to one situation. I'm like this. I think its worth seeing her even just for one session to see what she's like.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 03, 2020 at 03:57 PM

I agree that you should give her a try. She might just have a certain persona in the waiting room that is very different from in her office (or just a RBF). As an example, the T I saw as a backup when my T was on vacation earlier this year, when I'd seen her in the hallway, she didn't smile or anything. But in session, she seemed more warm and even teared up at a few things I shared with her. So I wouldn't go by that. And I think it's fine to talk about your T's absence with her. When I've seen T's while my T is away, I've often talked about stuff involving him with them, whether missing him, some issues that have come up in working with him, etc. It can help to have another perspective, even just someone to listen.

Rive. · Aug 03, 2020 at 04:02 PM

I would still make an appointment with this T. Great if your T is back but it seems your T is often (and at unpredictable times) out.. I think it would be beneficial to, at the very least, have a back-up.

It would also be interesting to see how another T works, whether it helps etc. Nothing wrong in trying and keeping your options open

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 04:27 PM

Thanks so much to each of you! All of you have been immensely helpful to me over these rough past days.

My pdoc and my T, whose offices are right next to each other, share information about me every week. Doesn't bother me in the least bit; in fact, I'm grateful to them because I believe the shared information helps me.

For some reason (the mind is such a strange thing!) I am freaked out at the idea of this new therapist person sharing info with my therapist. I have no idea why.

Something I've learned from this board is that from now on, any therapist I ever see will be asked questions about their approach to therapy. In the past, I was too desperate/too shy to inquire about such things as How do you handle transference issues? Do you have any health conditions that might cause you to be frequently absent?

HA. No more. I'm going to ask whatever I want to know.

NP_Complete · Aug 03, 2020 at 05:19 PM

Kinda echoing what other people here are saying, but her not smiling may not indicate how warm and caring she actually is. I know my neutral facial expression looks rather unhappy and when I do smile it is usually minimal and I wonder if people can even tell I'm actually giving them a friendly smile. This may be a good example of judging a book by its cover. I think you should go for a session. What do you have to lose?

Aug 03, 2020 at 05:22 PM

What if you just made an initial appointment, just to see how you feel about her... just dont get into anything too deep that would stir things up. Just to see how it goes, but without getting emotionally invested,

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 07:41 PM

I called to set up an appointment with the "support" therapist and the receptionist told me that she had just heard from my therapist, that she will be back at work on Monday (1 week).

Since I don't have anything pressing to talk to the other T about (besides my own T being out sick), I decided that I'll talk with my pdoc at tomorrow's appointment. If for some reason I feel like I still need support before next week, I can see the other T on Wednesday.

It's reassuring to know that there is someone available if my therapist needs to be out again for more than a week. I have more peace of mind.

LonesomeTonight · Aug 03, 2020 at 07:50 PM

Glad your regular T is due to be back Monday!

divine1966 · Aug 03, 2020 at 09:32 PM

Good news!!!

SlumberKitty · Aug 04, 2020 at 10:50 AM

Glad your other T is coming back soon and that you get to talk to your Pdoc. It's also good to know there is a backup for if/when this happens again. I saw a backup T twice when my former T was away for several weeks (she used to teach a class in Singapore every other year and was gone for several weeks. We could still email but no phone calls or text messages). I found the backup T to be helpful except for talking about T's absence. He couldn't separate from being a T and kept saying how Former T needed her time away etc. Which I was not disputing. I was disputing that I needed T and what was I supposed to do in the meantime.

*Beth* · Aug 04, 2020 at 12:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Glad your other T is coming back soon and that you get to talk to your Pdoc. It's also good to know there is a backup for if/when this happens again. I saw a backup T twice when my former T was away for several weeks (she used to teach a class in Singapore every other year and was gone for several weeks. We could still email but no phone calls or text messages). I found the backup T to be helpful except for talking about T's absence. He couldn't separate from being a T and kept saying how Former T needed her time away etc. Which I was not disputing. I was disputing that I needed T and what was I supposed to do in the meantime.

That was one of the concerns I had about talking to a support T about my own T's absence. As with any job, therapists tend to stick with each other, probably because they know from their own work how other T's might feel and function.

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Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 03:21 PM #8 I would give A a try. If their are other T’s clients in the waiting area when my T comes out he is super cold and brisk. He is super warm with his clients/when he gets up into the office. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 03:31 PM #9 I’d agree to see this t for a session. You never know. People aren’t always what they seem. Not smiling could be for 100 reasons? Just speculating here but in some cultures excessive smiling to strangers or people you barely know isn’t encouraged. Etc I’ll try a session
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Lonelyinmyheart Poohbah Member Since Jun 2019 Location: Earth Posts: 1,093 4 1,732 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 03:47 PM #10 She might be an introvert. Some introverts come across unfriendly to most people but are different in a one to one situation. I'm like this. I think its worth seeing her even just for one session to see what she's like.
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Aug 03, 2020 at 04:02 PM #12 I would still make an appointment with this T. Great if your T is back but it seems your T is often (and at unpredictable times) out.. I think it would be beneficial to, at the very least, have a back-up. It would also be interesting to see how another T works, whether it helps etc. Nothing wrong in trying and keeping your options open
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Anonymous47147 Guest Posts: n/a	Aug 03, 2020 at 05:22 PM #15 What if you just made an initial appointment, just to see how you feel about her... just dont get into anything too deep that would stir things up. Just to see how it goes, but without getting emotionally invested,
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,731 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 07:50 PM #17 Glad your regular T is due to be back Monday!
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 09:32 PM #18 Good news!!!
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