Stunned

coolibrarian · Aug 03, 2020 at 05:58 PM

My T got married. I saw it online. I know it's none of my business. But it just feels like another exclusion. I've been left out again. I hate feeling this way, and I'm also feeling guilty, because I should be happy for her.

stopdog · Aug 03, 2020 at 06:53 PM

The second one I saw got married during the time I was hiring her. I had no idea - she just took off a month which was not unusual for her or for me to do it. But one day she was saying something not pertinent and waved her left hand at me and when I had no idea why she was doing it - she said she was married (which to her was somehow related to whatever useless thing she telling me). I didn't care but those people get weird around getting married.

*Beth* · Aug 03, 2020 at 07:54 PM

That's a surprise

My therapist of many years ago never mentioned anything about a girlfriend or fiancee. I thought he was a confirmed bachelor. Then one day a framed photograph appeared on his desk with a picture of a woman inside. I was definitely taken aback, and asked him who the picture was of. He said, "My fiancee."

So many years later, I can still feel the tight sensation across my shoulders when he told me he was engaged. I must have acted strangely, because he looked kind-of embarrassed and said, "It seems like you might be jealous?"

I said, "Oh, no! I'm happy for you!" -which was foolish, because right there was my opportunity to open up about the intense, absolutely overwhelming transference I had with him. But, I was a lot younger and less outspoken.

There's no "should" about it! (btw, "should" comes between "*****" and "syphilis" in the dictionary.)

You feel how you feel. My own therapist would have told me everything right down to the color theme of her wedding, but they all have their way of handling personal info - and if they're sensitive at all, they might tailor their disclosures to the client in front of them.

It's not as easy if you're doing teletherapy, but if you see her hand and she's wearing a wedding ring, say something about it.

Amyjay · Aug 04, 2020 at 01:44 AM

You don't have to be happy for her at all.
This has triggered some really strong feelings in you. From past hurts. You are feeling your own pain, your own history.
This isn't about your T. You just have lots of hurt, and it is easily brought to the foreground again by lots of things, like this thing. T didn't exclude you... she is just keeping her personal life and her professional life separate, because that is what she is supposed to do.
What these feelings tell you is not that T excluded you, but you have been hurt by many exclusions in the past. T did not exclude you, but you feel the pain because you have experienced a lot of exclusion. T getting married and not telling you was not an exclusion of you. She was doing what she is expected to do.
Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Make sure you include YOU!

Omers · Aug 04, 2020 at 07:00 AM

I don’t have anything helpful to say but... hugs.

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coolibrarian Poohbah Member Since Feb 2014 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 1,302 10 1,041 hugs given	Aug 03, 2020 at 05:58 PM #1 My T got married. I saw it online. I know it's none of my business. But it just feels like another exclusion. I've been left out again. I hate feeling this way, and I'm also feeling guilty, because I should be happy for her. __________________ In a world where you can be anything, be kind. ;
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Omers Grand Magnate Member Since Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 3,512 13 3,133 hugs given	Aug 04, 2020 at 07:00 AM #5 I don’t have anything helpful to say but... hugs. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
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