New therapist and former therapist talking with each other

Hi all,

I have some questions about both former therapist and new therapist talking with each other.

The former therapist contacted the new therapist stating that she would like to speak with her. The new therapist said that I have the final word on her speaking with the former therapist or not. However, the new therapist said that if she talks with the former therapist, she would not share any details of the conversation with me.

I feel that I'm placed in a difficult position. For one, I would not have any say over what the former therapist would share or not share with the new therapist. Secondly, I would have no details on their conversation.

The new therapist said that she usually gives her patients a summary of the conversation with their former therapist, but filter out painful, difficult details. However, the new therapist said that I'm an exceptional case in that I'm intense and would be able to sniff out any painful, difficult details that she did not convey to me. The new therapist said that I might feel betrayed or hurt. To avoid this situation, the new therapist would choose not to share any details with me at all if she were to speak with the former therapist.

I appreciate the new therapist looking out for me. On one hand, I want the truth even if the truth hurts. On the other hand, there's a part of me that would want the new therapist to filter out painful, difficult details.

What are my rights as the patient? I would be okay with the former therapist speaking with the new therapist only if I know beforehand what the former therapist would say to the new therapist. However, the former therapist is not willing to meet with me.

In the U.S., you generally have the right to determine who your therapist (current or former) speaks to about you. Did the original therapist reach out to the new one of her own volition? That seems very odd to me and would make me question her judgment and motivations.

Your options as I understand them are a) let them speak (by giving written permission), knowing that neither of them will give you any details about the conversation, or b) decline to have them speak to each other about you. Which one makes you more comfortable? Do you have reasons why you might want the former therapist to speak to the new one? Many people prefer to start over fresh with a new therapist, particularly if the relationship with the previous therapist was complicated.

Here's some background information.

In June 2018, the former therapist moved out of state temporarily for one year. In May 2019, we terminated.

I recently wrote to the former therapist and carbon copied the current therapist on the email. I was sharing with the former therapist the deep pain and hurt that I feel even though one year has passed since our termination. Two things hurt me the most.

One, the former therapist had been planning to stay in the other state permanently since the fall of 2018, but she did not tell me of her decision until May 2019. I gave up one year for what was a temporary move; I waited. But unbeknown to me, the former therapist had been planning for months to stay in the other state permanently. She collaborated to continue engaging in research with the psychoanalytic institute in that state and a hospital in that state. That takes months of planning. I checked in with the former therapist on her decision – whether she would be coming back or staying permanently – periodically in three-month intervals. All those times, the former therapist simply said that there were evolving influences. That was vague. She waited until May 2019 to inform me of her decision to stay in that state permanently.

It makes me feel left out and uncared for. In a way, it feels almost selfish although the former therapist is not a selfish person. I was very committed to our work and relationship. I worked with the former therapist for three years and six months, and not once did I ever cancel an appointment. Even though it's a professional relationship, it's a committed relationship and much is at stake. When the former therapist made plans to stay in the other state permanently and waited until all her bases were covered before informing me of her decision, it makes me feel hurt, strung along, betrayed, and left in the dark.

Two, when we terminated, the former therapist said that she was open to joining the new therapist and me from time to time as long as the new therapist permits it. She also said that sometimes former therapists and former patients meet up when they are in the same town. But there's no follow-up on any of that. In the fall, the former therapist seemed to have backtracked on her initial words and changed her mind; she wrote to the new therapist and me that letting her know how I'm doing or what I'm doing in life once a year or once every few years is fine. There was no explanation on why the change of plans. I feel hurt when people say things only not to follow through with them or withdraw and not given a reason for it.

The new therapist is okay with the former therapist and I coming together to repair. In fact, she thinks that that could be helpful. But the former therapist does not believe in that because that would require her to reenter the role of analyst. The current therapist thinks that the former therapist hurt me in a way that can never heal. I disagree. I believe it can heal if the former therapist and I could come together in repair. The current therapist says that we have hit a wall because the former therapist is not open to repairing with me, and that I have to let go of the pain because it's masochistic and I'm torturing myself otherwise. Letting go is hard.

Both the current therapist and I don't know the former therapist's stated purpose for wanting to speak with her. But the new therapist is not hopeful that the former therapist would say anything that would help me to heal or repair.

I'm okay with the former therapist and the new therapist talking with each other. But only if the former therapist and I could first talk and if the current therapist would tell me what the former therapist shared with her. In that way, a three-way meeting would be good. The new therapist proposed this to the former therapist last fall, but the former therapist canceled the meeting when she learned that we were arranging for the meeting to be about repair.

This is the story.

Thank you for the update. I remember you posting about the "temporary" move before and what a complicated, hurtful situation it has been for you.

It sounds like -- for whatever reason -- your former therapist is not willing to discuss the situation with you or to engage in a three-way conversation with you and the new therapist. And the new therapist isn't willing to share the details of any conversation she may have with the former therapist. In a way, this simplifies the decision-making process for you. If you aren't willing to allow them to talk to each other on the terms they have set for you, then you can simply say no to the proposition.

This sounds easy, but I know that it will be tough to give up on getting satisfying answers or repair from the former therapist. And the really difficult part will be healing from the relationship with the former therapist and all the negative emotions that came up for you with her and the ways she let you down. Hopefully the new therapist can help you process all of this so you can feel some peace within yourself.

Is it ethical for them to set such terms? Don't I have a say in what is disclosed or not? Don't I have the right to know what would be said about me?

Hi, I remember reading about your situation. I am sorry that you are going through all of this.

How are things going with your new therapist? I just thought about this: if you are not certain that you would want to stay with her, you could look for a therapist that specializes in trauma or possibly find someone that does EMDR with therapy.

EMDR helps patients that have been traumatized. I have been getting this for a long time; there is no limit to the sessions that one can have. It has been helpful.

This is such a difficult situation. I hope you get some peace.