Do you expect the therapist you hire to practice what they preach?

Do you expect the therapist you hire to practice what they preach? If they do/say something different about themselves than they tell you to do/not do, does it bother you? Do you notice? Is it like an md who recommends not smoking but does so themselves? Or a dietician who recommends not eating sugar but has cake on their desk?

Cake? Where?!

On the desk. It is right there in the sentence.
I worry about you.

I'd notice it, I think, and it would bother me on some level. For example, if Dr. T ever said I should give up drinking coffee because it's not healthy, I'd be thinking, "Seriously?" Because with one exception, the only thing I've ever seen him drink is coffee. He always has his coffee (and he's commented on this), no matter what time of day I'm seeing him.

ETA: And I only have one cup of coffee a day (used to drink more).

I never bought the idea of them "modeling" something for me. So if the woman had been trying that annoying technique of reframing at me but used it on herself - I would have put it down to her either being accurate when she referred to herself as stubborn or what ever or that by saying such a thing to herself she was either engaging in a misguided attempt at humor or some other manipulation.

My T never preaches anything, or tells me to do or not to do anything. It simply isn't the way she works. She doesn't see herself as an authority on my life, just someone walking with me and helping me understand myself. So her having issues or human flaws or failings isn't a problem for either of us.

Yes and I am deeply thankful that T leads by example rather than preaching. We have had a couple times where I perceived something he said or did as inconsistent with who he claims to be and I called him out on it. We worked through it both times.

Guys - the word preaching was not meant literally

How would the therapist model behaviours? How would you know? My T doesn’t really do any of that, nor does she reveal anything about herself that would frame her existence in a certain way.

For example: My T wants me to do inner child work... take care of my younger self and talk to myself better than my parents did. He has a picture of himself as a child that he does this with regularly and he shared some of the messages he tells child him while talking at the picture.
He also wants me to work on self care so he starts most sessions by telling me something he did for self care over the weekend.

Those people use the term modeling in a few different ways, for example:

1. In communicating and maintaining clear healthy boundaries, your counselor is modeling how to have a healthy relationship.

2.Sharing her thinking was an effort to provide Emma with an alternative way of understanding her therapist's behavior. The therapist hoped to model the experience of explicitly acknowledging and discussing feelings and observations about their relationship.

3. Modeling behavior is a technique used by therapists to help their clients with an array of issues. You watch others model how to solve the exact issue that you are presently having. This can include phobias, behavior modification, social anxiety, and many other issues. While reading about solutions and talking about them can be helpful, watching these techniques getting put to use has shown extremely effective in patients. It seems to make more of a lasting effect on them to physically experience this along with the person modeling the behavior.

4. The best model is often the therapist. Modeling may occur spontaneously or may be deliberately employed. Therapists may exhibit various role models. The modeled behaviors may be used to shape norms, to inhibit or disinhibit behaviors, and to produce independent behavior in the group.

5. The best model is often the therapist. Modeling may occur spontaneously or may be deliberately employed. Thera- pists may exhibit various role models. The modeled behaviors may be used to shape norms, to inhibit or disinhibit behaviors, and to produce independent behavior in the group.

Further, they often excuse their own bad or unprofessional behavior as being a model for clients for one reason or another.

I understand that, but what I’m wondering is: let’s say they ‘model’ ways to discuss feelings, etc. how do you know to call them on anything if you have no access to them outside the room? For all I know, my T goes home and drowns puppies, while in the room says having a pet is healing and be therapeutic.
I agree with you on the whole idea that they aren’t real or authentic and therefore we can never make accurate judgements on them.

I wouldn't bother calling them on anything unless it was their stupidity to me. I always expected them to be hypocrites. I find it fun how much they use the term to excuse themselves.

Also I think they tend to mean they model it at appointments. Not in their real life.

Hm, now that I think about it, during one of our ruptures last year, I thin Dr. T was trying to show me that he practice what he preaches. It was around the whole "standing" conflict, where he said it felt like I was trying to control him. And in the email, he said how he doesn't like to feel like someone is trying to control him, but that he also doesn't try to control other people either. (Though...I suppose it could be said it's controlling for him to try to keep me from controlling him, but now I'm getting seriously in the weeds...)

The main thing that my T has modelled to me is its okay to be authentic and take risks with another person. I'm not under any illusion that I see 'all' of her, just like I don't see 'all' of any one in my life, but I know without a doubt that what I see is real because she doesn't slot herself into a role as a 'therapist,' she's just being herself in the room, albeit focused on listening to me and supporting me with the help of certain skills and training.

I understand that 'preach' wasn't meant literally...I just honestly can't think of anything that T could or would tell me to do because she accepts the person I am, whatever I say or bring. In turn, I don't expect her to live her life in any particular way because I connect with who she is in the room and that's what matters to me.

No, I don’t expect my T to practice what she preaches. If she does, great! If she doesn’t, well, I guess she’s only human and working on it.

I suppose, in general, yes I do. It's not that a T needs to be perfect, but rather that they can't claim expertise in something to me if they haven't accomplished it in their own life. That would strike me as inauthentic, and my response would be along the lines of "Who are you to say whatever, when you can't manage whatever in your own life!" I just wouldn't continue seeing a T who would do that or try to defend doing that.

I don't think it's my job to monitor anyone's behavior including a therapist.

I sorta expect my T to, but that's because she calls me out when I don't walk my talk. So she better practice what she preaches. Especially when she tells me half jokingly that I "better" do xyz lol.

I don't expect it, but I have come to realise that she does...especially since the shift to teletherapy.
I've gained much more of an insight into her as a person, as well as a practitioner.