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Trig Aug 13, 2020 at 06:29 AM
  #1
Well... last night around 2:30/3 am I lost it. I couldn’t put away the stuff T2 triggered and sleep. So... I did what she had been demanding... a very graphic, uncontained, visual representation. She had asked for a drawing of vulnerable and I sent her a photograph of me at a time when I was feeling vulnerable... she argued that I looked very nice, and calm and pushed for me to draw vulnerable again. So... last night I drew what I think she wanted and explained that this is EXPOSED not vulnerable but if this is what you are wanting.
I’m pretty sure the drawing would trigger any person with a heart and some without hearts. All I put in the message was you asked for vulnerable, I sent vulnerable. What you really wanted was exposed. HERE. Now I can’t get the pictures back to words. I cc’d T1 on it too. I feel kinda bad... I know it is going to kick T1 in the gut. I just couldn’t get it to stop until I could physically send it away and if I didn’t do something I was going to SI. T1 worked his tail off to make 100% sure this never happened between he and I. We have had a couple of emotional ruptures that were easily resolved... but not me throwing very graphic trauma images at him via email with angry sentence fragments. I’ve never really blown up at him, gotten truly angry at him or “had behaviors” with him. It will certainly give T1 and I plenty to discuss come Monday.
As for T2, yep, If she doesn’t get it loud and clear when she opens her email this time... she is fired on the grounds of being daft. BUT... I may have to wait until T1 puts her back together.
On the positive side I got 3hrs of sleep after sending it and don’t have SI urges any more.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:24 AM
  #2
Omers, I am so sorry. It sounds horrible. Do you think her goal was to make you angry and actually feel and express vulnerability rather than censure and trying to be nice?

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:31 AM
  #3
Hugs, Omers. It sounds like you did what you needed to do. I hope your main T responds to it in a helpful, supportive way and that it gets T2 to realize what effect her request had on you. I'm glad the urges went away.


Incidentally, I've found sometimes that emailing T (even knowing he wouldn't respond until the next day) can make certain urges go away. It's not just the typing up of the thoughts, it's the actual sending of them. I'm not sure T (or ex-MC or ex-T) fully understands what it is about the sending. But it's something about sort of handing off the pain to someone else.
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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:39 AM
  #4
No. Not at all. If I sensed a manipulation or BS at play I would have gone right to her supervisor and raised holy hell or gone off on her without self revealing. She is somewhat new to being a T. She just blew it and didn’t take the hint that she was going where she had no business. I feel bad as I suspect she is going to feel aweful once she visually sees what she did... but it isn’t my job to protect her, I need to take care of me. Last night it got to the blow up or blow in and if I blew in I knew I couldn’t honor my promise to T1 to give him 24hrs before SI.
T1 would also never allow me near a T that was a manipulator. T1 knows T2 is new and still learning. I am 99% sure he never would have imagined from all he knows about her personally and professionally that she would do this. He would have NEVER put me in this position knowingly. He is going to have a lot of feelings as we work through this too.

All that being said... T1 and I talked about bringing in a woman because things go crazy with me and women and I couldn’t say why. T2 and I didn’t make it a week and here we are. I just don’t think T1 wanted it to be this painful (for all of us) or this dramatic. Usually it is a drama that I put a stop to by becoming very verbally assertive... THEN it blows up.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:41 AM
  #5
It’s hard for me to think of how to draw a picture of someone being vulnerable. That’s an interesting assignment.

What do you think is the difference between vulnerable and exposed?

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:42 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post

Incidentally, I've found sometimes that emailing T (even knowing he wouldn't respond until the next day) can make certain urges go away. It's not just the typing up of the thoughts, it's the actual sending of them. I'm not sure T (or ex-MC or ex-T) fully understands what it is about the sending. But it's something about sort of handing off the pain to someone else.

YES! T1 gets that sometime... OK, a lot of the time I just need to physically get things out and away from me and know they go to someone. He doesn’t have to get to them right away or reply... but I have to get them away from me.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
It’s hard for me to think of how to draw a picture of someone being vulnerable. That’s an interesting assignment.

What do you think is the difference between vulnerable and exposed?
When I am being vulnerable (as I was choosing to be in a previous message to her) I tend to look all calm cool and collect even if I feel uneasy and I have control over how vulnerable I choose to be and can stop it or limit it at any point if I need.

Exposed is being told to strip down to an emotional nakedness without my input of comfort level being honored and without the ability to control how much is shared.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 08:56 AM
  #8
Incidentally, I've found sometimes that emailing T (even knowing he wouldn't respond until the next day) can make certain urges go away. It's not just the typing up of the thoughts, it's the actual sending of them. I'm not sure T (or ex-MC or ex-T) fully understands what it is about the sending. But it's something about sort of handing off the pain to someone else.[/QUOTE]

I feel the same way. I have mentioned it to T multiple times about not just writing but then getting rid of it. if I send it to her it is put on my hands so I am better able to cope with it. If I just write it down, it is still in me and has control. I think she understands to a degree because she also writes when she is struggling, and she sees the difference in how I cope when I don't email her.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 09:22 AM
  #9
I drew out a picture (what she asked for) then took a picture of it with my phone and sent it... I’m giving it a 90% effectiveness rating... I am still tempted to roll up the original, tape the first picture I sent her to the outside of it and put it inside the building for when they get there. If it were just T2 it would be done already... let her call the damn cops. BUT T1 would wring my neck for breaking into the building... and I like him.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 10:59 AM
  #10
Maybe I'm missing something, but I think that what you did (pic 2) is genuine. She asked for it, you did your honest best and gave to her what she asked for. You didn't try to deny, dodge, or hide.

As for the building idea...I know that feeling, been there - but don't do it. It's one of those overpowering temptations that will result in more trouble than it's worth.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 11:12 AM
  #11
Have you heard anything back from either T?
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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 12:17 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Have you heard anything back from either T?
Yes, T1 just called. God I love him. He let me know it was him... my phone says his name instead of ringing and I *think* I know his voice... but he is so damned endearing. He said he knew I didn’t have a lot of words (true) so let’s breathe together and then he’ll talk for a little while then see If I want to talk or what I need. And he asked if that was OK. I said a very sheepish yes and he started his silly, over exaggerated breathing stuff. He walked me through how his office looks, smells and feels today. He told me what song was playing in the waiting area and something meaningful about that song for him.
We talked about what happened with T2. He validated my feelings and experience. He told me why he thought it happened (reasons not excuses) and let me know it was a growing curve as she grows as a T but that is not my responsibility. He does NOT want me trying to protect her in any way. He acknowledged he expected this to be hard for me and acknowledged that he had NO CLUE it would go this way or get this heated. He said that they both know therapy gets messy and this week was messy! He asked me to put the drawing up someplace where I wouldn’t be looking at it or I could even destroy it. If or when I was ever ready I can bring it to either him or T2 to process. I told him he was safe, we could process it, he worked really hard to be safe. He didn’t acknowledge the compliment so I repeated myself about how hard he had to work even with all his experience and tools and how much I appreciated all his efforts. He still dodged. I told him I was NOT in the mood to go unheard by him too. So then he acknowledged it.
Just got an email from T2... BRB... OK, maybe not right back but I will be back...

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 01:32 PM
  #13
Ok,
So then I started getting really soft and vulnerable with him in a way I haven’t since the pandemic. He accepted and acknowledged that as best he can over the phone. He said Monday we will talk about what therapy with T2 is going to look like, we will talk about what boundaries there need to be for me to stay safe and anything else I need his help with to feel safe to see T2 for another session. He isn’t making me commit more than one week at a time. I owned how difficult a client I can be even for him with all his experience and that he made mistakes too. No, I was not blaming myself, however, there are some ways I express myself and my trauma that are very unique and can be hard for T’s to pick up on. Not bad, just different and even T1 stumbled with several of them. T1 also told me that he did not share some of the things with T2 from my chart that I said she could look at. He said we will discuss it Monday but some of them he does want me to redo with her as it is part of the process. Others he will let me bring down to her if I choose so that she and I can discuss it but he will not go over them with her. That needs to be a part of my process with her.
T2 sent a very brief email letting me know she talked to T1 over lunch and she would work on providing me with a safe space for my feelings while we worked to get to know each other. I know given how big she messed up that sounds a little lame and over simplified... but it was what I needed from her. I could hear in the words she picked that T1 had coached her some in how to respond to me. T1 knows that if T2 is going to apologize or if we are going to process what went wrong then that needs to be brought up in person not email. She just needed to let me know it would be safe to go back to her office and that’s what she did. We can go from there in person.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 02:28 PM
  #14
I'm so glad for you! Sounds like the snarls have been worked through.

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Default Aug 13, 2020 at 02:37 PM
  #15
Sounds like T1 responded very well and T2 is trying. Glad to hear that... I hope your Monday session will be helpful.
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