Oh no..I said it and regret it

He told you he hugs other clients whilst refusing to hug you? Ouch. Refusing to hug you is one thing, but telling you he hugs other clients sounds cruel. I don't know the context but I'm struggling to believe that is in any way acceptable.

Many therapists feel positive acceptance for their clients but not all like to use the word 'love.' It really depends on what love means to you and your T so an open discussion about it would be helpful, IF your T is able to put aside his own reservations.

How is your relationship with him normally? Does he listen, is he kind, empathic, accepting?

I wrote him a letter one Christmas and said I really felt like hugging him when I saw him. Then when I saw him, he said that he does hug clients sometimes, but not me, and implied it would be too risky. I don't know why it's risky to touch me (this was before covid 19), he didn't really give an answer. I think because of my past, I'm too damaged for him to touch.

That happened a year and a half ago and nothing has been said about it. He could use covid as the no touching reason forever now, wonder if he's glad about that.

Yes he is usually kind and does listen to me, he has helped me for sure. Things have changed a lot this year though. There's other things I don't want to mention publicly as people might think it's gone too far or see major red flags

I wish he had explained to you why he felt hugging you was too risky rather than leaving you to guess. I understand that therapists may hug some clients and not others for a whole variety of reasons, but telling you just doesn't sit right with me. I'm sorry you're left feeling so bad about yourself due to all this but there's nothing wrong with you for having these feelings and needs, truly there isn't.

I'm glad he has helped you a lot, that really is the important thing. I completely understand that you don't want to mention a lot publicly. There's a lot I don't say about my T relationship for the very same reasons. What I've learnt from my experiences is that what may sound wrong or inappropriate to other people doesn't necessarily mean it is. I think most people get the sense on an intuitive level when something isn't right or working for them. There are many ways therapy can work and it takes self-honesty and courage to explore whether it is or not.

Same here! I think some things may sound inappropriate when taken out of context and nobody but T and I know what our relationship/boundaries are. People can tell you something is a red flag, but your intuition could say it’s fine, and that’s the important thing.

I wish he explained it too, maybe he just doesn't know or I'm reading to much in to everything as usual. Thanks you, learning to trust my intuition has been really hard for me...I like to think I'm getting better with it though, even if it's just a little bit.

I have read some but not all of the replies. I haven't responded until now because I have been puzzled/confused by the exchange you describe. I do think your T handled it weirdly/badly. Seems like a drop the ball type of moment. I don't know how much you talked to your T about love and feelings between the 2 of you up to this point. You are not a monster or weird for loving your T. Like Merope stated, "love and attachment are the most human thing ever".

By time I told my T I loved her, we had talked about feelings a lot and she already knew I loved her. I tell her I love her every session and sign my emails with love. She says she knows as her reply (this has been something that has been worked out with us and is part of my needs). She does not and I do not believe she has said she loves me. She has said she cares about me very much (I think only once though). She has also answered yes when I said that she loves me. This happened a few times.

Our touch is very limited to hand shakes, high fives, and incidental contact. This has been discussed at great lengths as I have fantasized and longed for other types of contact. We both agree that it is too risky because it would cause things to become blurry in my mind - with my transference. This has nothing to do with me being disgusting even though I at times went through those feelings and places. Even though I agreed with her ... well I told her it would be risky to do anything more... I've even been angry at the no hug boundary while at the same time saying that it's what I need. It is what it is, not easy - it's what feels right.

We do lots of other things that some people would thing was wrong regardless of how much context I put around it. I used to write up detailed session notes and post here. Even with that much detail, I got some replies/comments of how wrong it is for my T to allow me to act on and act out my fantasies - to do all the play stuff we do, to allow us to watch movies, the support or acceptance of self soothing actions of a young child, to allow me to call her mommy, or spend our time together doing what some feel is not therapy. The bottom line is that it is your therapy and it seems that those things that you fear might be seen as red flags do not bother you, you see them as helpful/healing. Then that's what matters.

Thanks Elio. It is quite puzzling and confusing. It's really great you can have those experiences with your T, I think they would be tremendously healing if available. I would love to play with my T.

In my case, my T used to 'give me what I need', but abruptly stopped saying that he wasn't allowed to do it anymore.

I agree about the risk of touching. He probably thinks (wrongly) I would be asking for hugs every session if he started that.

"wasn't allowed"

That's weird. Was he able to explain it in a way that made sense? I'm sorry he did that shift. That seems like it could be very damaging.

If playing wasn't in that list of stuff he used to do, what would happen if you brought something in to play? Have you talked to him about it at all?

I don't know how influenced you are by how other posters describe their relationships with their therapists, but I don't think that what is discussed here is particularly typical of how client and therapist express feelings for each other. I don't think it's common for therapists to tell clients that they love them and I am doubtful that the majority of clients express love explicitly. It seems commonplace here because we are mostly a therapy hardcore bunch.

I would be hurt by your therapist's response, but I think it's quite a human (although not necessarily humane) response. When my therapist and I first opened up the concept of love between us, it was really painful for me and she was clumsy and self-interested. All her stuff and not originating from me. These are complicated circumstances and messy feelings, I think it's ok for him to have an imperfect response. How he works with his response and your related feelings is key.

Also, I would be really surprised if anyone here shares every aspect of their relationship with their therapist. It's a private and deeply personal relationship. I think it demonstrates good boundaries to keep intimate interactions to ourselves.

I brought a bag of things in to play with...I think it was 2 weeks before covid appeared? Then I realised he probably wouldn't want to touch things I had touched, so I didn't bring it in again and he never asked.

He said the rules for therapists had changed, and he was no longer allowed to interact with me as he had been doing. He did it again recently after 2 years, I got really excited but then he said it was a mistake.

Thanks, I know everyone has a different relationship with their therapists. I've been seeing them since I was a child, I've had unethical relationships with them before, but never really felt love for them at all. This T is a lot different.

I can relate to when you say how awkward it is talk to them about love. My T can be clumsy, he has said so himself. It does demonstrate good boundaries to keep the intimate details to ourselves, I did think twice about asking this question here incase I was over sharing. I don't feel like I've given too much away.

I do value everyone's different perspectives. I suppose it is a lesson in how to let others and myself just be a human.

Well I saw him after the 2 weeks and had to spend it talking about other stuff because I got extra messed up while he was away.

But he's posted something about how one sided love goes dry and moldy pretty fast, so that was quite clear. He's expecting me to not love him soon. I can never show it again. Why can't there just be love without analysing it. In a bad place now eugh.

I wouldn't make assumptions based on something he posted unless it was addressed specifically to you. It's best to talk to people directly and not read into things. I know it's hard bringing things like this up but I really think you should talk to him about it at your next session.

I agree that you should talk to him about it. Assuming it was a post in some public place, he could have been talking about his own current or past experiences with love.

I agree especially with the highlighted portion. In the past, I have expressed love to 2 therapists. But, they both explained that it wouldn't be doing therapy to express the love back. Instead, they stated that they had warm feelings toward me.