[Omers]

Three sessions ago (4 weeks) I disassociated more than usual during session and sent T an email letting him know. We talked about ways to tell him in session that don’t use words if I feel myself dissociating. The next week I started a new job (Yay!) and went to T right after my first day on the new job. I remember pulling into the parking lot and then nothing else until I was half way home. I do know I went because 1. T didn’t flip out and if I no called/no showed he would blow up my phone 2. It was charged to my bank card (not the one T has on file). Last week we weren’t able to have a session because of the new job but we did communicate some via email. T really did not understand I remembered nothing from the previous session. So we have an appointment after work today....
1. I feel like I am going to a first session with a new T. I’ve looked over his web page, blog and some of our emails and still feel like I haven’t ever met him.
2. I’m terrified I am going to dissociate again and “miss” the session.

This is also the last f2f session before he goes on vacation for a month+ but we will have some phone sessions.

I don’t understand it feeling like a first session and not knowing him. We’ve been working together 2 years now!

[Yaowen]

Dear Omers,

That sound so scary. I am so sorry you are suffering these kinds of disassociation that you have described. That must be incredibly difficult to cope with. My heart goes out to you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[LonesomeTonight]

Hugs, Omers, I agree that sounds scary! I missed this email before. Did you end up going? How did it go? For the future, maybe your T could do some check-ins with you to make sure you're still present. I think you're meeting in person, right? If so...hm, maybe this would be an issue because of Covid. But I've heard of T's doing things like putting their foot on the client's foot or other touch things to make sure they're present. Maybe you could figure something else out?

[Omers]

Thanks LonesomeTonight,
I went, and remember it! Bonus points
T has admitted that he hasn’t ever worked with someone that gives off no clues at all when they check out. Sometimes he can catch it if I am “slipping back” and I am getting better at noticing when I can still tell him. That session I was gone before “hello” so honestly I don’t think he stood much of a chance of catching it. He felt SO bad for not catching it and helping me get grounded. It actually wasn’t until I got really sharp with him about refusing to tell me what time our appointment was (the day before the appointments) that it clicked for him that I had absolutely no memory of anything in session at all. I only knew I went because I checked my credit card and I checked my phone because he would have called if I missed a session.
So... Tuesday when I got there he came out to my car and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. The walk turned out to be an absolutely wonderful idea. We walked around two parks behind his office and then still had about 20 min left when we got back to the office. “8” spent some time on the floor with T and a new comfort item I made for her. We spent a lot of the remaining time just quietly together which my preverbal and mute parts loved.

So... the feeling that it was a first session was from a “part”/trauma that was experienced with one of my mothers T’s when I was a teen. She hadn’t ever given my T a chance and was present enough to watch him and for me to feel “her”. His meeting “her” at the car (even though she was in the background, I was very much up front and present) was absolutely perfect as was the walk. So... now the teen “parts” that had such bad experiences with male T’s that my mom sent them to are all just kind of peeking out at T and thinking about giving him a chance... which I am very excited about. They have good intentions to protect me but a lot of times they make things harder. If they decide to trust T and not have to try and protect me or the young parts from him it will make things SO much easier... and so far they really seem to like him.

So... I remember session, it went extremely well and I was able to feel very connected to T.

Now T is on vacation for a month! But he has promised to stay in touch as his cell/internet service allows and we have some phone sessions set.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm glad to hear it went well and that you were present for it. Also good that you can do some phone sessions while he's away. Are you still seeing the female T at all?

[Omers]

No, I have stopped seeing her. I was surprised, T said if I ran into trouble with her the three of us would meet. I canceled one appointment with her thinking that T1 and I would talk then the three of us would meet but T1 just dropped it. It has been really hard for me to let go of and not reach out to her and try to fix it.
With the teen parts working through their bad experiences with male T’s it might give me a little wiggle room to try again... but there are still plenty of bad experiences with female T’s and women in general. Pdoc also really wants me to keep trying because it is creating the same things that come up with other women just more extreme. BUT... not a chance until T is back in town.

[MissUdy]

Well I know the title is that you are feeling confused, but wow Omers! you have got such a good grasp of what’s going on with you! Realising when you dissociate, the exact moments and time frames it happened in, being able to communicate it with your T, having your T be so understanding about it and then even knowing which of your parts you are tending to in session with their objects etc...this sounds so great. I wish I could know myself this well.

[Omers]

MissUdy, it doesn’t always work like this LOL. I have a lot of different traumas at different ages and an almost photographic memory so I can research my reactions and link them to a specific age and trauma. My T is actually in awe/fascinated by it. He has really had to let go of his preconceived ideas of what trauma therapy should look like. I used to HATE it when a T would tell me to “trust the process” it was an instant trigger and an almost fireable offense. Now T and I BOTH have to trust the process as neither are controlling it. We still have our challenges at times though!

I survived 20 years of therapy with 10+ bad T’s that did more harm than good. I got my BA in psychology with a strong focus on trauma and then continued to educate myself on trauma. My current T is SO amazing! We just clicked from day one (although he didn’t realize how strongly I felt it for several months). I am so lucky to have him and my Pdoc! We work together as a team... sometimes he Leeds, sometimes I do... sometimes we just let things happen. This past session he learned something about extreme neglect in infancy from me. He was the one that brought my attention to the extreme neglect in infancy. We just make a good team. Everyone else found me difficult to work with, blamed me, hospitalized me unnecessarily... all sorts of trouble. When I tried adding a second T we started running into problems almost right away even though I really like her... so it is just an exceptionally good match between my T and I.

[MissUdy]

Thanks Omers, makes sense why the dissociation would be unnerving for you if you usually have a photographic memory and stuff! Very useful! I wonder why your other Ts failed you, mine have failed me because I was ‘too complex’...if they don’t like complexes they should not be a T

I think I’m the opposite to you in reaction to trauma, I have no idea what ages things happened to me at, they are all jumbled up like time didn’t exist or run properly and I was dissociated most of the time but I didn’t know it.....finding the right T really does make all the difference doesn’t it.

[Omers]

Yes, finding the right T is just a bit more of a challenge than finding a tame unicorn in your favorite color

I am also very complex with my trauma which is why all the other T’s failed me. One other “advantage “ I have is that many members of my family will openly discuss my abuse... like telling about going to the grocery store... they are so out of touch with reality... so what I don’t remember I can usually ask someone about.