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ScarletPimpernel
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Default Sep 12, 2020 at 06:14 PM
  #21
No. Mine has never been mean. In fact, she's almost too nice. That's why my dad nicknamed her Mary (for Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way). Except she call my dad's dog "scruffy"...lol. He says that's why it's practically and not completely. But really, she's always nice; flaws and all.

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Default Sep 12, 2020 at 07:30 PM
  #22
My ex-T was sometimes ... not exactly mean, but she could get nasty in her reserved, passive-aggressive way (not on purpose, I'm fairly sure). Some of it was little things that I figured were understandable because I wasn't exactly making her job easy, or we could settle the issue afterwards. But when she got defensive and it all became about who was 'right' or whether something was her 'fault' or not? It got so out of hand in the end that I couldn't take it any longer.

My new T hasn't been mean so far. We had one session when she was not her usual self and that was very unsettling, but it turned out there were medical reasons for that.

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Originally Posted by comrademoomoo View Post
I also don't think her comment sounds like a mean thing for her to say, or at least I wouldn't have heard it as such.

It depends how we are defining "mean". My therapist is not deliberately unkind in a calculated way. However, she definitely has an unpleasant side to her nature and she has allows this into the room on occasion. She has raised her voice, sworn, told me that she finds it difficult to work with me, etc. This happens when she instinctively moves to care about herself and moves away from caring about me. She owns it and mostly apologises for it. It is hurtful and confusing for me.

Whilst this aspect of her is hard for me to be in relationship with, I also appreciate the real life nature of the interactions. It's a very powerful part of our relationship for me to have experienced the worst of her (and her of me) and for us to still have loving feelings. From the comments in this thread, it seems it is a therapy which wouldn't suit everyone, but it feels human to me. There's something deeply real about how we relate to each other. I know it is a common approach for therapists to take, but hearing about therapists who are only ever kind and caring seems unrealistic to me. How do the gritty parts of the relationship get addressed if they are never shown? I guess they can be shown in un-mean ways. I don't know. Sometimes I think I tolerate too much £hit from her because cruelty and harshness are familiar to me.
This sounds very similar to my ex-T, minus the outright unpleasantness and she hardly ever apologized. And in particular the wondering whether I was tolerating too much, for too long - I struggle to tell apart being open-minded, tolerant of the other's quirks, taking responsibility for my part in bringing about an unpleasant situation and all that grown-up stuff, from being a kid desperately trying avoid conflict and/or keep her caregiver or otherwise important person in a favourable light.

Umm, that's not meant to imply that your situation is the same as mine was - I know that for me the right thing was to terminate, because therapy was literally doing more harm than good for the last few months. But I also suspect that as stupid as I feel for not terminating sooner, I'd feel just as stupid/otherwise horrible for other reasons had I done that. Also, I think the defensiveness and avoidance that did more damage than the actual 'meanness'.
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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 03:17 AM
  #23
I do not think its right one bit if a therapist is mean to the client. I dont care if they are having a bad day, bad stuff in their lives or whatever. They have a specific human-interactive job and meanness is not supposed to be part of it. The same goes with jokes, sarcasm etc.

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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 04:27 AM
  #24
Basically what happened on Tuesday was she was very sick during the session and instead of cancelling it she did the session instead and just acted like she didn’t want to be there. I would have understood if she cancelled since I wasn’t feeling that great myself. But I had my weighted blanket so I was a lot more focused and talkative then I usually am during sessions. I actually ended a few minutes early because she was just kind of zoned out on webcam looking incredibly ill. I asked in email what was going on and she said it was right about the time the head cold was hitting. But when I first started the session she just immediately started jumping on me and giving me a hard time about weird stuff and I felt like she was mad at me about something and I was confused because I didn’t remember doing anything. I had had an amazing week before. and then I found out she was just not feeling good and it had nothing to do with me. But seriously cancel the session next time instead of just confusing me.

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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 05:27 AM
  #25
Yes( very rarely, although). Therapists are not semi-gods; they are human beings.

Last edited by isnupi; Sep 13, 2020 at 05:29 AM.. Reason: Correction
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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 05:47 AM
  #26
Mine has been mean maybe once, where I told him that I don't do well if he's just sitting there in silence and then he continued to do exactly that. He later admitted that he wanted to push me a bit with that. But other than that there's never been anything that I'd describe as mean.
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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 06:26 AM
  #27
My first T came close to being mean. In one appointment she was distracted and not listening closely. I asked her opinion and her response was 'you will figure it out'. Towards the end of the appointment she made a comment that she had to 'get somewhere so we were going to have to end early' and rushed me out of her office. Maybe that isn't mean, but it was thoughtless and unprofessional. I never went back to her.
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Default Sep 13, 2020 at 12:59 PM
  #28
She sometimes comes across as irritable and impatient, or anxious about me or my life in a way where her worry translates to being domineering and a debbie downer. At times her emotions lead to her saying things in a somewhat unkind or dismissive way. When she is dismissive and I have addressed her lack of comprehension of how difficult a situation is, she has usually been receptive and shown more understanding in the future. I'm not sure I would call her mean at these times, because to me that insinuates a desire on her part to wound me and I think there are more accurate words to describe how she is acting (irritated, impatient, domineering) and why she is doing it. That doesn't necessarily mean her behavior is better than if I considered it mean, however. There's only one time I can think of where I felt she was sort of cruel, whether intentionally or not.

As a few other people have mentioned, your therapist's comment doesn't strike me as mean. It does sound like she was preoccupied with her own concerns and allowed that to seep into your session. I do agree with your conclusion that she shouldn't have been working if she felt so bad it negatively affected her interactions with you.

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Default Sep 14, 2020 at 05:28 AM
  #29
I had a therapist who was insensitive and mean to me one time. I don't think there is any therapeutic value in meanness.
My current T is unfailingly kind, even when "pushing" for more.
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Default Sep 15, 2020 at 01:31 PM
  #30
I saw one therapist for four sessions when I was looking for a new T. She was pretty thoughtless, cruel, pushy, and rude. I don't know if she was mean but I could definitely see meanness in her. The nicest she ever was to me was when I told her I wasn't coming back. Maybe it was just a personality thing. All of my other T's have been kind. Sometimes they are harsh but not mean.

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