Video therapy—need to accept it.

I’m trying very hard to keep sane despite what’s happening in the world right now. I’m ashamed to say, I’m beginning to find video therapy quite painful; it highlights, a bit too well, the limitations of our relationship. He’s free to meet friends, family, get a haircut, go to a restaurant/pub, go on holiday etc., but he’s still not seeing clients face to face. We’ve spoken about this and my feelings around it, but he’s being kind of vague. I know he’ll go back to seeing people f2f again, but I worry about how long it’s going to take. Obviously, the logical part of me is ok with it, because at the end of the day, it is safer and probably the right thing to do. He keeps mentioning that he’ll open his practice “soon”, but “soon” comes and goes without another mention of it. I feel like I keep getting my hopes up and then they get dashed again.

I feel like I need to reconnect with him and in order to do that, I need to accept video therapy and make the most of it. The last few sessions I was so hung up on when f2f will resume, that talking about anything other than that felt beside the point. I hinted at this, but if he noticed he didn’t make it easy to explore it more. Maybe I’m starting to be annoying. I need to lay off for a while and focus on something else. When I’m in a better mood, telling myself that “this is temporary, imagine how good it’ll feel when you go back to his office” helps. It fills me with hope that things will change for the better and we’ll be in the same room again. But then I see the news and my hopes get dashed. I feel like I’m in a constant state or anxiety and I’m not sure what I can do to not see this change as permanent, but rather as a temporary solution which is what it is.

Living with uncertainty is incredibly tough and I think that's what it comes down to - not knowing when or even if things will get better and whether your face to face sessions will resume. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I'm fortunate to have a T who resumed face to face some time ago but I know I'd be feeling exactly like you if she hadn't.

I wonder if, rather than finding your feelings annoying, he's struggling with the situation too and doesn't know what to say. I wish he was making more space for your feelings though because quite often being able to talk about feelings in depth helps, even if the situation can't change.

I don't think anyone can 'force' acceptance on themselves. It's something that tends to emerge over time after the feelings have been worked through. It's a bit like grief because you're facing the loss of an in person connection and left in limbo as to whether things will go back to how they were. You can understand something logically but emotionally it's a whole different ball game.

Would writing your T an email asking to explore your feelings more be some help? Or maybe like you said, it's a matter or trying to work with the teletherapy for what it is. Your feelings about it matter though; it's a very painful situation and it's okay to be struggling with it. I'm willing to bet your T is as well.

I totally understand how you feel right now.I have many if the same thoughts you do. T has gone on a vacation with extended vacation and is praying her sons school continue with a 5 day in class school week. So why van she go to her office.

I remind myself of a couple of things she has said though. Of she makes choices for her family and they become sick it is her responsibility and she will deal with it accordingly.

If she inadvertently gets client or clients sick she is responsible. Also, with so many common cold and allergies being symptoms of COVID she fears she would have to cancel too frequently. In addition to that if something happens and her son's school closes suddenly she eoudk have to scramble to figure out who will care for her child. it has already changed twice. So again she would have to cancel appointments. For consistancy she feels that having teletherapy is best even though she hates it also.

Thank you. You’re right, it is the uncertainty. I feel like it’s personal even though it’s not. I know for a fact that my T isn’t personally worried about covid as he’s fit. He’s said this numerous times. He keeps saying “X weeks away” in an encouraging way, but then X weeks pass and not another mention. I think he definitely will go back to f2f—sometimes when he speaks of future sessions he speaks as if they’ll be f2f. But at the same time, it’s almost like something is holding him up.

I guess he’s probably comfortable as well, it’s not like he yearns to be in my presence like i yearn to be in his. Plus I think most of his other clients might be in therapy short term and care less about the connection. I worry sometimes that I’m his neediest, most annoying client.

I’m not moaning about his decisions-I realise there’s probably a lot of work in reopening ones practice for face to face sessions...I just wish he could be a bit more reassuring that it will happen at some point? At the same time I don’t know if I can ask for that. I feel like I’m being unreasonable about this, I just can’t switch the feelings off.

I could not relate more. Also finding this intensely painful, to the point where I’ve told my T I can’t do it anymore and want to take a break until she resumes face to face work. I’ve refused to try video sessions so far and been talking on the phone so she wants me to consider this to see if it helps. I also find it really upsetting and keep thinking about all the other things people are doing - like you said - pubs, haircuts etc etc...and it feels like everyone has been able to see, at least at a distance, those that matter to them but with therapy it is different. It is such an important relationship and yet we cannot see them. My T is also very cagey about resuming face to face, i haven’t directly asked because I’m too afraid of the answer, but she literally had not mentioned it. I guess the truth is they just don’t know. It’s horrendous and it feels like it will never end. I think you’re right about finding a way to accept the situation, just no idea how to do that.

As a teacher who has just returned to in person teaching, what I can tell you is starting a business or practice back up, where there is a responsibility for the safety of others, is a very daunting endeavor - much different than getting together with friends or family. The hours of planning the logistics of safety, cleaning, timing, distancing, etc. has so many moving parts. The cost/benefit issue has to be weighed into the equation.

Therapists will return to their offices when restrictions are lifted, when they can manage the logistics in a way that makes being in the office viable. It will come, but when depends on what is going on in each particular state, county, and city - it looks different depending on where you are.

We've started back, but will that last? Is it truly safe? Am I risking my own health or the health of my family? So many unknowns.

I understand, my t gave up his lease for his office.

I’m so sorry, that sounds really hard. Does your t think he/she will return when things go back to normal? Are they particularly worried about covid?

Ouch. My T renewed hers in May so I have that to hold onto. I also told her I had read many Ts are considering staying with teletherapy permanenly in steady of meeting f2f She said she does not intend to do that, however, she will offer it to clients who prefer to.

I know I am not her only client who is struggling with teletherapy. In fact she had one client who has also expressed difficulty as have I. One appointment the client was really pushing hard for f2f, by the next appointment thr clientt had tested positive for COVID.

I understand these feelings. But while he may not be worried about contracting Covid himself, he may be concerned for his other clients--I imagine he has at least some who are over 60 and/or have preexisting conditions that could make them more susceptible. And he wouldn't want to risk infecting a client. Or he may have family members who are more at risk.

My T is also very physically fit and is 50, so not in the risky age range. Yet he seems pretty anxious about Covid (I have no idea if his wife or son have any conditions that would make it riskier). He's mentioned reading the guidelines that the APA has put out for reopening an office and has said it seems so daunting that he couldn't see doing that right now. Including things like waivers that clients would have to sign, disinfecting the office, both he and client having to wear masks (current state requirements), etc.


I said if we'd both have to wear masks, I might prefer to continue with teletherapy, if that's still an option. Partly because of the not seeing full faces and partly because I tend to cry during therapy, sometimes quite a bit, so how does that work if I have to blow my nose? He agreed and said that he didn't see how it could be entirely safe (from his perspective) unless there was, say, a plexiglas shield between him and his client.

What he has said is "This is how it is for now." He hasn't given any sort of timeline for return, except when I asked him in maybe June, and he said he couldn't see coming back anytime before late August (obviously, that didn't happen). Now he isn't trying to predict, which I almost find to be easier? I wonder if maybe your T is doing you a disservice by saying the "in x weeks, I'll reopen in person." Maybe it would be better if he just said, "Once I know for sure, I'll tell you."

I do think it would be good to talk to him about these feelings. Maybe there's something he can do to help with the connection over video, too.

I think them trying to predict when they will reopen can cause more problems.

In July, T said was planning that she may not return to her office next summer. She di praying that it will happen sooner but for her it is better to plan further out and be wrong than to plan for sooner and have to keep extending.

Like others her she is not afraid of her or her family getting sick. She lives in a hot spot area so to either contribute to that more or have clients get sick and potentially pass it on to vulnerable family members is her biggest concern.

She has fabric furniture so cleaning between clients would be impossible. Also, the idea of wearing masks is not something she can see doing with clients. She works with a lot of refugees who were often abused and tortured by people wearing masks. She start get flu shots years ago for the very reason. The company she worked for required masks of a provider was not vaccinated. People wearing a mask is often triggering for her clients. She choice for the comfort of her clients to get the vaccine every year rather than wear a mask

This all seems soooo important to talk about. Have you talked about how you feel about teletherapy? It seems like maybe you have discussed it enough to be tired of talking about it, but then you say that you hinted and he didn't get the hint. Have you talked about this directly?

I get that your most reasonable adult self realizes that this is an unfortunate situation all around and that telehealth is probably the safest choice right now. But clearly you have all sorts of other complicated feelings -- feeling left out, feeling frustrated, feeling unsure about his motivations, wondering if you matter -- and those are incredibly important feelings to explore.

I have found that the very best way to intensify negative feelings is to let them fester, to tell myself that they are bad and that I am wrong for having them, and to try to wish them away. Feelings can often only go away when we examine them, validate them, and see if we can do anything about the information they are giving us. Otherwise they just keep nagging us for attention.

I would be confused and annoyed by his waffling. What would happen if you asked him about his X weeks statement when X + 1 weeks have passed? Would you feel better if he made a more concrete statement and stuck with it, even if it wasn't something you wanted to hear? (e.g., he won't re-open until most people are vaccinated)

It does seems onerous to re-open for in-person sessions. My T has made the necessary changes to her practice, and it sounds like a total re-imagining of every facet of the space. She wrote a new informed consent that has like 15 things I have to do and like 15 things they have done to make in-person therapy as safe as possible. She said she even switched to the pop-up style of tissue so people won't have to touch the box (?!).

So maybe it's that the re-opening process seems overwhelming, maybe he doesn't have the spoons to do anything beyond what he's doing right now, maybe he likes telehealth, maybe he is worried about infecting somebody or enabling viral spread in general. He may not tell you the specifics, but at the very least, I think getting some clarity around his plans would help you feel more settled.

Thank you all. Maybe I should bring it up with him again—I’m just a bit wary because he didn’t seem particularly keen to talk about it (though that could be my anxiety talking, maybe my “hints” weren’t good enough. He can’t read minds, after all). I’m also scared of pissing him off and making it seem like I’m not appreciative (I’m so glad I still get to see him on zoom, it’s just not the same and I miss the safety of how it was before the pandemic). And I guess I’m also ashamed of these childish needy feelings.

I think he mentioned something about giving people the option—so he’d still do video sessions with people who prefer that. I just really hope he’ll give those of us who do want f2f the option, especially because he keeps mentioning he’s ok with it and wants to go back to in person too.

Yep, I'm right there with you, too. My T knows exactly how I feel about teletherapy. She's also upset about it and has admitted to having "meltdowns" over it. But, she'll be 70 in November and has severe asthma. So she's very frightened of catching covid. Understandable.

I figure it will be the end of 2021 before we (maybe) have f2f sessions again. And I'm also facing the reality that she will be edging toward retirement by then.


The whole situation around covid is messed up beyond belief. The strangest part of it all for me, though, is that I have done more serious growth work during the time we've used teletherapy. I cannot understand why. Seems really confusing to me.

Ive decided that I will only do live sessions. Until/if my T can accommodate, I'll wait.
Really difficult situation.

I’ve decided to bring it up. It makes me feel awfully exposed and ashamed of the intensity of these feelings, but I can’t go on without exploring them. I hope he doesn’t get annoyed with me for being so hung up on this. I reckon I’ll feel better if he acknowledges my feelings about it. I think I need to feel connected to him right now.

I hope he is able to talk with you as much as you need to.
I share that need to connect thing. Good luck

I understand your feelings @Merope. I also understand therapists not being comfortable in an enclosed space with someone while talking especially if they or family members are in the high risk category.