Unmet needs and longings

My T surprised me last week. He actually spend the week reading up on IFS after 2 years of me referring to it because my x-T used it. He said after reading he feels it is the best model for therapy out there. He tried using what he learned in session. I was really flattered that he is willing to give something else a try since his preferred modality was simply not working. It shows he actually cares about me.

I can relate to this and I think this is one of those situations in therapy and counseling which isn't enough talked about.

For me it becomes both a longing for a mother figure like in a role of a little child but also a longing to be part of my counselor's family. The more adult side of me envy her family life and I also get into thoughts about her sex life. Which I don't know anything about but I do know she's married.

My counselor isn't a therapist and by that I know she doesn't understand the concept of transference and I wouldn't try to mention any of my thoughts to her.

After much experience I would say it's rare to find a therapist who really knows how to work through transference, who can cope with the feelings the client evokes, who can wait for all the feelings to be worked out.

I think many therapists themselves feel for their clients and that it easily becomes like a "kind of friendship" where both parties like each other on a human level.

It's very easy to become a bit too close, and I then don't mean in a romantic or sexual way, to share mutual experiences and then when the client talks about the need for nurturing or a hug, the therapist suddenly realises the relationship has gone too far in a direction he/she can't handle.

I don't really have any simple or straightforward answer to your post but wanted to share my thoughts.

My current contact with my counselor is far beyond boundaries in that way that we talk like friends or colleagues and the day she can't continue with me I'll feel like I've lost a friend. Several reasons make me stay with her but I know how bad it all can end.

I’ve been meaning to reply to this for a while, because I FEEL like I have a lot to say (and because I relate to pretty much every post) but I’ve actually realised that I’m struggling with expressing how I feel.

I don’t know how talking about unmet needs with someone who your emotional brain recognises as a potential fulfiller of those needs helps. In fact, I think my emotional (child) brain sees my T as the only one who can fulfil those needs. The other side of me knows this can’t happen, at least not in the way I want it to happen. But still, I guess something happens in my brain, on a chemical level maybe, that triggers a warm fuzzy response whenever he bends his boundaries for me. Sessions that run over; “too much” self disclosure; non-therapy related outside contact initiated by T; compliments; even the tiny bit of unconscious flirting he does (which is weird because most times I long for him as if he is a parent). All of these things get to to feel as though some of those needs from long ago are being acknowledged and met. And then there’s the more concrete stuff, like the fact that he’s still here, that he hasn’t abandoned me, that he’s treated me with respect and kindness, that he’s interested in me as a person, that he pays attention. All of these things do SOMETHING to those unmet needs, but I’m not sure what that SOMETHING actually is.

I’ve reached a point now where I am fully aware of how deep i managed you crawl into all of this. And how dangerous it seems to me. I genuinely think I love him (and the warm SOMETHING that he triggers in me) so much that I would die if I were to lose him before I’m ready. I’m not even exaggerating, I genuinely feel like every cell in my body would shrivel up and die. And it terrifies me that he has this sort of power over me because...ahhhh!!!!! Does this feeling get better? Is it something to be worked through? Does it need time? I genuinely have no idea; I read that it needs time etc, but did the journals/articles assume it’s this intense?

I didn’t go into therapy thinking this would happen. I didn’t mean to make him the centre of my ****ing existence. Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it feels so dangerous I feel like I could crumble. I feel like someone is pointing a gun at my heart most of the time, but I can’t walk away because I’m in love with this feeling. Maybe this is what working through unmet needs is meant to feel like? I can only hope it gets less intense, because if it doesn’t, this whole process has the potential to do more harm than good and I’m absolutely terrified of the person I could become if this were to happen. I feel like I have no control over what is going to happen, I ca just wait for things to happen to me.

Merope, I totally understand your feelings. I had very similar feelings about my long term T. When people mentioned she was a maternal figure in my life, I always scoffed at that because I had an amazing mother who died way to young and when my children were younger. So in my mind she was an aunt. We had a lot of poll outside contact. She gave maternal advice on child rearing, taking care of physical issues, and gave really warm hugs. I sometimes thought about quitting because of intensity of my feelings for her because I often needed and received her reassurance. The idea of her retiring or moving away scared me. I even started with a second therapist for trauma in hopes of being cured so when long term T did stop working I would never need therapy again because I could never imagine working with anyone after her. I knew nobody would be like her.
I never told her this was why I was seeing the second person just that I thought she could help with trauma so we could work on other things. I also am pretty certain we would have some contact after she retired.

She told my second T about how she played a maternal roll in my life. She filled in and helped meet the needs that I longed for after my moms passing.

As often happens in life, nothing went as plan and long term T was taken from me very suddenly. I literally thought my life came crashing down. I couldnt imagine not finishing my work with her or ever again. Here we are 2 1/2 years later and it is still very painful and I still have days where I am in disbelief over it all. I am alive and making progress with my second T and sometimes that progress is backing up so I can process the grief and know that I do not need that maternal person in my life. Also, that it is okay to trust and depend on current T.

I worry sometimes that L is crossing boundaries with me. She plays into my fantasies, gives me love and touch, discloses little bits of information about herself. That's just some of the things that seem to meet some of the longings. It's also that she allows so much contact, she mirrors with me, she listens to me and seems to really get me, she doesn't punish me, and she says it's her intention to not leave me. Also, because of my request, she never uses the word promise. Even with all of that, I still have unmet needs. (Please don't judge L for this. I'm only putting it out there so maybe others can relate).

This week the longings have been about simple being with her in-person. The back and forth between video and in-person is killing me. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness. And H is making me reduce down to once a week come December. I feel panicked. I feel like he's taking her away from me. He says he's not and it's only because of financial reasons. L says we will work something out even if it mean reduced fees. I hate not paying her her full fee. I also tried talking to my dad about it. His advice: prioritize, focus on future, get over the past. Gee dad, I wonder why I have longings: a dad who was absent and a mom who hated me.

I'm pretty sure that's why I have maternal transference. I never intended to get attached to L, but it happened right away. I tried to work it through with T before she went on maternity leave, but it was too late. I've become so attached to L, that I decided to not go back to T when she returned.

Thank you all for your replies. I totally relate. I feel sad that others are struggling with this, but am also glad to not be alone.

I think this is true...

I am sorry to say I disagree. Having had. Those needs met by my therapist in a safe way it absolutely has helped and has allowed me to form real relationships with other people whereas before I just wanted everyone to be the provider of this for me, if that makes sense. Her giving me what I never had, in this way, allowed me to really grow and develop. I got through the barrier, so to speak, and came out the other side. I am still in therapy, working on other issue now but I no longer feel this enormous gaping hole. I no longer seek this in my outside relationships, though I do now have them at least. It won't be the same for everyone, but it has helped me. She showed me love, and helped me to love myself.