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Unhappy Sep 27, 2020 at 05:16 AM
  #1
This will be the fourth time therapy has had to end prematurely and the third time I’ve had a therapist get pregnant and go on maternity leave.

My last therapist ended treatment by saying “she had nothing more to offer me” and that “we’d come as far as we could together”. When I asked her if I could come back in the future she told me she was closing her practice and “taking a break for psychology for a while”. She said all this right at the end of the final session. I only got one termination session after the initial “I can’t help you anymore” spiel. That happened almost 3 years ago and I still haven’t been able to move past it.

Needless to say, this latest development of my current T being pregnant is not sitting well with me. I went into this therapeutic relationship convinced something was going to happen and she would leave me so I’m not really surprised. Yet I’m still left wondering “why does this keep happening to me?!”. I feel like the whole dynamic of the relationship has changed and is essentially ruined. I don’t see the point in continuing when she’s just going to be leaving anyway. T said she would be returning after about 6 months of leave but that’s what the other two said and they never did.

I feel as though I can’t trust her and also that I’m now burdening her with my dumb problems since she clearly has important things going on in her own life. I’ve been very resident to being open with her due to my past experiences so I really can’t be bothered to start over AGAIN with someone else. I guess I’m just not meant to be happy
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 05:48 AM
  #2
That's awful, I would be devastated! Sorry this keeps happening to you. Your ex T that said she had nothing more to offer you sounds horrible as well - it sounds more like she gave up on her profession and wasn't right anymore.

Sorry if this is an awful cliche thing to say, but could it be that these people were never going to be able to help you long term, so they just fell away one by one? Maybe it's pushing you to find the one that will help you heal? You do deserve to be happy, I know that!
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 06:15 AM
  #3
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds awful, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I think I would lose my confidence in therapists too, if this kept happening to me.
Still, I agree with Lostislost that these therapists were not the right match for you. Sometimes it takes a while to find someone who is going to not only stick around, but also truly help you. Please don't give up, you deserve to be happy!
This may be a bit of a silly suggestion, but have you thought about trying to find a male therpits? Or an older female one? Of course, there is no guarantee that they won't have things in their lives that will make them unavailable, but maybe it would be good to change the pattern a bit? Just a thought.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 06:42 AM
  #4
Thank you for your replies Lostislost and Merope.

I don't really believe that "everything happens for a reason" other than the reason being that I keep choosing younger female therapists. I tried seeing a male T for a while but I didn't feel comfortable talking about a lot of things such as body issues and romantic relationships. I also tried an older female therapist just before this current T and she was the worst one I have seen.

T said she had been thinking about me a lot in relation to this as she knew it would be hard for me. She tried to convince me that she will be returning as she has a lease on the room and it wouldn't be smart to break the lease. I don't really believe her though, something always goes wrong. I hope talking to her about all this in our next session will help but I really just wish this wasn't happening at all.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 07:20 AM
  #5
I am so sorry that happened to you....I guess the only thing you could do, IF you ever decide to go back into therapy is choose a male t.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 07:42 AM
  #6
Im literally going through the exact same at the moment.
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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 11:29 AM
  #7
My T went on maternity leave for 6 months, but only came back part-time. Thankfully, the T I got referred to is better? I have a closer relationship with L than I did with T.

I know it's painful going through it. I'd like to believe there's a purpose to it all. I.e. - if ex-T didn't leave me, I wouldn't have found T. And if T didn't go on maternity leave, I wouldn't have found L. And T almost prepared me for L. All the work I did with T has allowed L and I to work on the deeper issues.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and it being a pattern.

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Default Sep 27, 2020 at 06:45 PM
  #8
This has been explored many times, but I believe therapists often do not reckon with how much their presence in our lives means to us. It's a fatal flaw with therapy sometimes. When someone gets pregnant, they still see their friends, family members, acquaintances , and in other fields still communicate with key clients and work. It is a big blow to absorb the loss of a cultivated attachment suddenly, in a way over which your voice and sayso have no influence. They spend so much time teaching us our voice is the one that matters in the room, and then it is the big reveal oh no actually it doesn't. I'm very, very sorry this is happening, especially that it is more than once. My good friend who is a clinical psychologist fretted about her patients when she had both of her kids, and went back to work earlier than she planned. She is simply happier working. Maybe your T will have a reaction like that? Covid makes it more complex, I guess. So sorry.

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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 04:06 AM
  #9
As I said before, I don't believe "everything happens for a reason". I'd be much better off without these experiences and I can't really think about seeing another T at the moment.
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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 10:44 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by retro_chic View Post
As I said before, I don't believe "everything happens for a reason". I'd be much better off without these experiences and I can't really think about seeing another T at the moment.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I completely understand how hard it must be. Sometimes we just want that one person, because that’s who we are attached to and that’s who we believe can make it better. I don’t think you need to believe in the “everything happens for a reason” mentality, but maybe try to hold on to the possibility that you may find a T (in the future, when you’re ready and if you want to) who will be able to be there for you and who will be better suited because they won’t have life circumstances that will take them away for long periods of time. And it’s more than possible that your T will return after a few months and it will all turn out ok, even if you don’t feel that way now. I know how much it sucks to live with that uncertainty and with their impending absence though. I wish I had something more helpful to say.
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Default Sep 28, 2020 at 07:01 PM
  #11
I don't believe everything happens for a reason, or that there is a purpose for the way things happen. However, I do try to see the silver linings in difficult things whenever I can. For example, I was very sad when my dog died a few years ago after a long and happy life. However, as I hold my current dog, I sometimes think about how if she hadn't died exactly when she did, I would not have wound up with my current dog (there was someone who didn't want him and wanted him gone ASAP). This makes missing her more bearable to me.

Definitely not trying to invalidate your experiences, though. Sometimes there is no silver lining, and nothing good can be attached.

I understand why you're upset. I would be, too. There are really no guarantees in life and things can always change. I'm going to be moving soon, and while I'm hoping I can continue seeing my therapist remotely, I can't know that it will be possible for certain until the time comes. Anticipating a loss is really painful, and it sounds like that's what you're doing. I think that's a protective mechanism, so I wouldn't say I think you should just disregard it and take her intention to come back after 6 months as what will happen with 100% certainty. Personally, I don't do well with disappointment and I understand why expecting everything to go as planned could create more harm for you. But maybe you could try to shift your thinking from she's definitely not coming back to maybe she will and maybe she won't. You just don't know. That would honor your previous experiences and skepticism while avoiding the cognitive distortion or logical fallacy that you can know she's going to do the opposite of what she's planning because other people have failed you in the past.

Of course, then you have to decide what to do with that uncertainty. I know you don't feel up to seeing someone new, and I respect that. I wonder if a support group or even group therapy would be something you'd be open to. Maybe something like that could provide for some of your needs while she's out, and you wouldn't have to do the same type of intense getting to know you stuff that would happen with a new individual therapist. Idk, just an idea.

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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 07:31 AM
  #12
I may Be in the minority here but I do understand what you are going through. At the same time I think its ok for a T to want.to.get pregnant if that is what they want. I think its fair as long as. A T can hook you up with another Therapist in the interim

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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 04:56 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I may Be in the minority here but I do understand what you are going through. At the same time I think its ok for a T to want.to.get pregnant if that is what they want. I think its fair as long as. A T can hook you up with another Therapist in the interim
I never said therapists shouldn’t get pregnant. Obviously they have lives outside of the therapy room and they make decisions that aren’t influenced by their client’s needs. I don’t think however that the repercussions of this can be easily mitigated by “hooking the client up” with another therapist 🙄. The damage has already been done.

My T Knew from the beginning my history with previous Ts ending therapy and my feelings around that. She is also very aware of my fear of abandonment which has been made worse because of these experiences. If she was planning on having a child she should have told me that in the beginning. I don’t know how she has been able to continue treating me all the while knowing she would eventually repeat the same situation I have been fearing the most. 😡
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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 05:08 PM
  #14
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must suck. Maybe T didn't plan to get pregnant. Maybe it was an oops. HUGS (if wanted) Kit

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Default Sep 30, 2020 at 07:42 AM
  #15
I'm sorry you're in such a tough patch right now. I agree with some posters, however, that the T may not have been planning to fall pregnant. Therapists are individuals with a personal life outside of the consulting room, and they aren't really obliged to tell clients their long-term plans. They might not even tell their families their long-term plans. I see in your posts that your T did say that she thought a lot about you in relation to taking maternity leave. Your disappointment and feeling of betrayal is valid and real, but the T is not responsible for those feelings. If the T did something morally wrong, that would be out of order, but your reaction to a normal life event/choice in someone else's life is a mirror of your inner world, and not something they have done "to" you. I think you would be punishing yourself by never seeing a therapist again.
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Default Oct 01, 2020 at 06:04 AM
  #16
Thank you everyone for your replies. I had my session with T today and I feel a bit better about things now. She said she would really like to continue seeing me after she returns from leave which was nice even though I'm not sure I believe it. I do feel a bit closer to T after today's session and a bit more hopeful things will be okay.
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