Losing sight

Sorry, me again.

Just a thought, maybe some of you can relate.

I noticed that I'm less able to hold on to T in between sessions now that we're doing video therapy. I feel like I don't know how I'll make it to the next appointment, the reassurance of his presence doesn't last for more than a day or so. By day three I feel like a kid that's been abandoned in the parking lot.

When we had face to face sessions, I used to be okay until the next appointment. I felt like I could do other things, focus on my life more, because I knew and felt that he was there.

I feel like Covid reduced my world, not because I miss going out and living as such, but because I spend so much more time worrying about losing T. I feel like I'm losing sight of myself, of my existence, of my goals and pleasures, of my mind.... This is a scary place to be in and I think it's here to stay for a while.

I have face to face sessions with my T, but I still relate to what you are saying.

At the end of my last session he asked how I was feeling, I felt like I was going to break down and told him how awful leaving his room is...that he's all I have now the rest of my life is gone, I don't see anyone else but him all week. I can't make plans, there's no events on, we are in lockdown at the moment so now can't see family or friends again as they live too far.

I agree the feeling is here to stay for a while. You definitely aren't alone with this feeling.

I can relate. For me, during the appointments I am okay and know she is the same person even though I dislike virtual appointments. By the next morning I miss her and sad that I cant see her face to face. I worry I wont see her in person again. Then a couple of days before my appointment, I want to quit therapy until this is over. I feel that way until the start of my appointment.

I brought this all up at my last appointment. It didn't change the situation however having her validate that it is harder to have the connection right now and that she fully intends to be in her office as soon as it is safe, was very helpful.

I agree. I recommend you tell your therapist what you posted here. You should be able to tell them how much harder video sessions are. Maybe they might agree to work out some kind of in-person compromise. If not, at least the validation they can give you will help alot.

If they don't know how it makes you feel, they can't help. They are probably juggling lots of patients along with their own personal life and can't tell who is struggling with the video sessions and who is not.

It is tough dealing with all these restrictions and poor substitutions for the fellowship and socialization we really need to stay healthy.

Stay strong!

Maybe she could send you a post card or a book in the real mail, something tangible and solid?

Thank you all for the replies.

Lostislost, I’m jealous you get to see T in person! That being said, I think even if I saw mine in person too, I’d likely feel the way you described because of the uncertainty. Will it be ok now? Will we have to go back to video sessions? I think the uncertainty covid brings with it is hard no matter what situation you are in.

T and I have talked about it at length—I usually end up feeling reassured for a little bit that he will see me f2f again at some point, but I can’t hold on to that feeling. It’s like I have a fistful of sand that runs through my fingers until there is nothing left. By day four after the appointment, I struggle to get through the day without the anxieties taking over and convincing me that something will happen and he won’t be able to see me again. It’s sent me into panic attacks, rage, crying fits, dissociation and numbness that lasted for days.

T isn’t the sort of person to see me on a park bench, send me things or make exceptions for me. He’ll see me when he’s prepared to see everyone else too. Which is ok, at least from a logical perspective. But I just can’t stop feeling that he just doesn’t care. I’m his job, that’s it. He’s comfortable with how things are at the moment (video) and even though he’ll go back to f2f at some point, he doesn’t feel like he’s in a rush. Which is fine, I guess. I don’t want to change him, I don’t want him to go out of his way to give me something. I just want to be ok with how things are atm and the fact that I’m not makes me feel like I’m secretly trying to convince him to see me (in my heightened emotional state: to show me that he cares). I hate myself for it. I hate how important he is to me and I hate how much this has altered my day to day existence. How do you tell someone this without them wanting to run from you?

He’s fine, but I’m struggling to breathe and it ****ing hurts so much I just want to go to sleep until this is all over.

I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day. Ranting helps.

I am struggling with holding onto T more than usual too even though we are meeting f2f. I am also dissociating more and I don’t know if they are connected or not. There are SO many external stresses that were not there before COVID and it has to impact T as well as me.