Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T,
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!
Love,
LT

T: If I get fired tomorrow, it is it. I won't be able to hang on anymore. I'm terrified.

Dear T,

Love,

LT

Thank you.

Confused as to your recommendation, after previously saying 'Given what I know about you, I can't recommend you read that book.' The email made me feel held, though.

Speak tomorrow,

Lost

Lots of crying today.

Just saying this but we've never only done just one session before a huge exam and I feel like friday is too far away. I only have 6 days left including today.

Dear T: thanks for your sweet text. I really am surprised how much you think about me outside of session. See you in a couple weeks. Kit.

You have been popping up in my head during the day, usually its just at night. Now in my head during the day. I guess I am wondering how things are for you. Sure your doing fine. Just fine not thinking about me or our situation. Today, I had the thought of actually taking a look into a new therapist. And yet I know i could not really do it. Feels like I would be betraying you. One feeling of betrayal does not deserve another, and its not even real. gosh I hate this. How do I be honest about how things have been going. I feel like crap for taking my son's car and will pobably give in to giving it back. No Money No Job he will eventually have not Gas so its all good right? My other son, hasnt missed a homework assignment yet. so good, but at a doc office he had to fill out symptoms sheet and it asked him about depression in which he checked it. I had no idea. Asked about it in the car and he said a few things, advised him to reach out to his therapist if he needed. So that is what is going on. And I still feel like crap want to drink or if i could do what i fantasize about which is, if not kids here I would be come a total mute. i want to isolate deep inside and cant with kids. Never thought of this before is it BPD ? Havent had that surface for years. Again it all comes and goes and by the time i hit send it will all be gone...

In reference to "And in my imagination you said, "What is normal?" and "Nothing is normal right now," and also in my imagination I vividly pictured going back up the stairs and climbing into bed and pulling the covers over my head. from another post ...
my T would ask that what is different now vs before the pandemic? Nothing I would say except that I cant see you in person, but she didnt really say much except what is Normal ? my answer is I dont know just not this.

It was wonderful seeing you again. I'll never take our time together for granted.

"Woohoo"? Dude. You're outta control.

p.s. of course I loved it, though.

Ugh. Not sure I can go as deep as I need to for the next step. IFS seems to require me to reveal more of what goes on on my head, things I do not tell anybody. I need to keep my persona of being somewhat confident and like I have it together. I know you understand I struggle with these things bit we have never had really discussed it. How can I do it over the internet??? WTF.

The more i think about next Thursday, i feel sick to my stomach, at times i cant believe its come to this. Like its happened, my nightmare has come true, and i blame you, but again not your fault. Its all this overwhelming emotion that has me wanting to secretly crawl into a cave, and not be in this world. My kids could come and go....but for the most part, i am isolated in my own place.
I wouldn't be surprised if i lose my job in the next 2 weeks. My son 13 year old, is so stressed he is having digestive issues and insomnia. Thinking of quitting my job to help him. My dad did actually tested positive for covid19. He has had a fever for 11 days. He says he gets a headache but no other symptoms. Nothing new with oldest son. I feel numb most often still. Though my frustrations are seeping through. School put out a survey about school experience so far, i filled it out completely strongly disagreed with everything, and included a paragraph of my son's experiences with online learning. Things like a teacher saying if i have to repeat myself again your losing 10 points?!? My son has a processing disorder u dumb **** !!! I said it without the dumb **** part though. Things like that are getting under my skin and i am letting it rip!! Physical pain isnt helping, some nights ok others i cant stand it. Tonight is okay, cant lay on my back...it hurts!

What you said today really made an impact. Thank you. I don't know how to lose that feeling of standing on ceremony, though.

I woke up with an anxiety attack. Messaged my brother because I was crying and I couldn't calm myself down. I feel guilty because it was 4am but he told me he was up anyway. Then I messaged my friend R asking if i could come over. After class she came to mine to collect me. Then another friend I also recently got back in touch with called her to make sure I was okay because I hadn't replied to her message from two days ago.

I felt loved, but not like I deserve it. Back at mine, she said I could stay if I wanted to but I had food at mine

Get that you're not my mother and I send too many emails, but ignoring me completely when I told you I wasn't feel well seems cruel.

The other T F emailed to say he spoke to his supervisor and it was okay for him to see me, but I don't feel like he's a good fit.

This election stuff is making me so freaking tense.



I just want to talk with you. I want you to change, to be more reassuring to be more comforting. In my Monday class the child analyst running the session was modeling the way she speaks to her patients and it brought tears to my eyes. In the memoir I'm reading, the group therapist held his client, willingly, even suggested it himself, and it made me mad.

Part of me thinks I should find another therapist but I am so freaking attached to you, and my psychiatrist thinks we are doing good work so it's not just me alone being crazy and having ****** attachment-related judgement. And maybe the thing I want is bad for me somehow, or I don't deserve it.

****.

I appreciate your honesty even when it stings.

thanks for explaining what you had meant about the dream stuff. i certainly misunderstood, didn't i? goodness.

Bit of a weird one, wasn't it? An interesting insight into your personal life....maybe video sessions can be more intimate than I gave them credit for. Still don't like them though.

Dear Info,

Flashbacks to being gaslighted by 2ex.

I wish there were a coffee shop open for sitting inside around here so I could just take a book there this evening and block everything out.

ATAT

I hate these stupud masks, I need to see your face