Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Mountaindewed · Nov 15, 2020 at 12:47 AM

I think you are on this site and that’s why our sessions seem to suspiciously change based on what I say on here.

jrae · Nov 15, 2020 at 04:36 AM

part of me thinks i should reach out to you. another part of me thinks 'why'?! and another part of me argues i 'don't like to need anyone'!?! and another part of me wishes you never 'see' this side of me....

on another note -> something may be happening that could crush me and drive me into the 'dark depths'. and without my aunt, i'd 'hide' from everyone - including you, even though you might be the only human IRL to give a dam ....
there's that side of me that wonders if you'd even notice if that happened

Quietmind 2 · Nov 15, 2020 at 07:59 AM

Hey t, grief is bulldozing me

LostOnTheTrail · Nov 15, 2020 at 08:44 AM

You were right - it was the last chapter of the book.

'That's how a perfectionist suffers - silently!'

There's so much to unpack through my reading of that book. Thank you for recommending it. I don't know whether I enjoyed it, but I am finding it useful.

Lemoncake · Nov 15, 2020 at 02:56 PM

Do I still have value even if I can't pass exams the first time around?
Even If I can't manage to go outside for a walk because it feels like it's too much?
Even If I stay in bed for most of the day watching Lord of the ring movies?

Have to pull myself together I guess. My next exam Social will be in december on either the 14 or 16th. Online classes and self study only.

chihirochild · Nov 15, 2020 at 03:09 PM

I don't feel good. My head hurts. And I don't want to do anything.

I'm nervous that you're going to be difficult about the emails I sent you. Can you just ... not, please?

Elio · Nov 15, 2020 at 05:44 PM

Hi Dr. S,

Some of what has come up for me today after last night is our rupture - how I felt about what I saw in you. I am very sad and scared about that. I think it might be time to talk a bit more about what happened then. If we don't ever talk about it, then how can I really know anger is safe with being in the room with us? Does it really matter if it was projection or perception? Maybe then I wasn't ready to believe you, regardless of your response. Now, maybe parts would believe you. I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I see the difference between you trying to challenge my reality and your actual feelings.

No matter what I say or how mean I am, I need you to be able to contain it -- which sort of sounds like I need you to take it. I guess in a way, I do need you to take it in terms of witness it and yeah I guess channel that energy without taking it personally or taking it into you.

love,
me

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 15, 2020 at 06:49 PM

Hey well after just enabling h in his self-perpetuated-because-he-refuses-to-learn computer illiteracy and figuring out how to book a golf outing for him and his buddy and get a copy of the reservation on his phone, I very clearly heard your voice in my head saying "If you don't want a big baby, stop being a big mama."

You're awesome, you know that, right?!

Quietmind 2 · Nov 15, 2020 at 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

Hey well after just enabling h in his self-perpetuated-because-he-refuses-to-learn computer illiteracy and figuring out how to book a golf outing for him and his buddy and get a copy of the reservation on his phone, I very clearly heard your voice in my head saying "If you don't want a big baby, stop being a big mama."

You're awesome, you know that, right?!

Hey ArtieTheSequal, I know people don't reply to posts here but wow at your T. I think I needed to read her phrase too.

I was raised to be my perpetrator brother's keeper (he's ruining his life very deliberately, has told me he feels i owe him) and my mum refuses to learn basic computer stuff, or certain other adulting tasks and would be all "helpless" and call me selfish if I didn't help... I get how sometimes it's easier to give in to avoid the bs or sulking that happens if you don't.

It's tough to not enable, and I'm cheering you on at healing being the good, responsible one.

just2b · Nov 16, 2020 at 04:29 AM

It was quiet for 4 days, not so much now. Emailed you not like it matters, but i think since covid started you have talked to me less to not at all inbetween sessions. And it was more when i was seeing you 2 times and more to 1 time anweek now that we are monthly, ill never hear from you. In the 30 days you emailed me to respond an email regarding session. So i get to go another 30 days with no contact text or email, and i dont see how its helpful?? Wish you would explain? I remember 2 things about session. Reading something to you and texting you a few days later, to which you responded with glad its quiet internally for you. Which when i ask for a response nothing. I am done with this. I say that but dont mean it. I emailed you how its not quiet anymore, see if you respond. If you dont, i will not write or text anymore. Though will take up drinking again. Urges are growing by the day. Right now is a time where i think you dont give a **** about me.

Mountaindewed · Nov 16, 2020 at 10:36 AM

I thought you said therapy was supposed to be a safe space?

LonesomeTonight · Nov 16, 2020 at 02:23 PM

Dear T,
Were you wiping away tears today? They seemed like sort of random spots for you to be doing so, but it's certainly what it looked like. Maybe what I was talking about triggered you in some way? Or you just felt sad that I was so distressed?

Also, thanks for handling that one topic really well.

Love,
LT

SlumberKitty · Nov 16, 2020 at 02:33 PM

Thanks for being there on Saturday T and helping me come up with 2 crisis plans for Thanksgiving, just in case. Also thanks for saying how you missed me. I don't know. That struck something deep inside me.

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 16, 2020 at 06:27 PM

Well, so much for eating better. Today work stressed me the hell out and I have been eating all afternoon.

and now i'm drinking wine. so....

ArtieTheSequal · Nov 16, 2020 at 06:46 PM

And I so want to just give up on this class. It's kicking my ***. But I can't let myself quit. If I ever do decide to pursue this degree after all, I don't wanna have to retake it...

*Beth* · Nov 17, 2020 at 07:21 AM

I wish I could stop wanting to take care of you. I wish I could stop wanting you to see me as empathetic. I just want to tell you the truth about who I am and how I feel.

chihirochild · Nov 17, 2020 at 08:24 AM

Why do you do things like this to me?

(Why do I let you?)

LonesomeTonight · Nov 17, 2020 at 09:32 AM

Dear T,
Feeling rather anxious that you haven't replied to the fee email. I would think if the answer were "yes," then you'd just say that. Or even if it was "Let's discuss a compromise." A bit concerned you're annoyed or frustrated with me, that you're going to write some missive on how you have to make a living, too. Maybe I should have just included all the numbers in that email. But I said I could provide them if you wanted. Or, maybe you're just busy this morning, and this is a low-priority email (which it is in the grand scheme of things for sure). Or you just need a little time to think about it.

Love,
LT

Glittering · Nov 17, 2020 at 12:06 PM

I remember being very little and scared and upset and grownups saying to me ‘if you don’t tell us what’s wrong, we can’t help you’ and I never knew what was wrong, and it feels just the same now. I don’t know what’s wrong, just that there is something so very very wrong about me. And it’s just the same as it ever was, no one can help me because I can’t speak.

Lemoncake · Nov 17, 2020 at 12:33 PM

Other people have real problems.

Can't stop feeling hurt.

New exam one month away and I've spent the past week in bed. Not studying.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,085 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,725 hugs given	Nov 15, 2020 at 12:47 AM #321 I think you are on this site and that’s why our sessions seem to suspiciously change based on what I say on here. __________________ Ridin' with Biden
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Quietmind 2 Poohbah Member Since Jan 2020 Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave Posts: 1,243 4 8 hugs given	Nov 15, 2020 at 07:59 AM #323 Hey t, grief is bulldozing me
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chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Nov 15, 2020 at 03:09 PM #326 I don't feel good. My head hurts. And I don't want to do anything. I'm nervous that you're going to be difficult about the emails I sent you. Can you just ... not, please?
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,211 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,750 hugs given	Nov 15, 2020 at 06:49 PM #328 Hey well after just enabling h in his self-perpetuated-because-he-refuses-to-learn computer illiteracy and figuring out how to book a golf outing for him and his buddy and get a copy of the reservation on his phone, I very clearly heard your voice in my head saying "If you don't want a big baby, stop being a big mama." You're awesome, you know that, right?!
	Reply With Quote

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,085 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,725 hugs given	Nov 16, 2020 at 10:36 AM #331 I thought you said therapy was supposed to be a safe space? __________________ Ridin' with Biden
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,727 (SuperPoster!) 9 74.9k hugs given	Nov 16, 2020 at 02:23 PM #332 Dear T, Were you wiping away tears today? They seemed like sort of random spots for you to be doing so, but it's certainly what it looked like. Maybe what I was talking about triggered you in some way? Or you just felt sad that I was so distressed? Also, thanks for handling that one topic really well. Love, LT
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Nov 16, 2020 at 02:33 PM #333 Thanks for being there on Saturday T and helping me come up with 2 crisis plans for Thanksgiving, just in case. Also thanks for saying how you missed me. I don't know. That struck something deep inside me. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,211 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,750 hugs given	Nov 16, 2020 at 06:27 PM #334 Well, so much for eating better. Today work stressed me the hell out and I have been eating all afternoon. and now i'm drinking wine. so....
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,211 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,750 hugs given	Nov 16, 2020 at 06:46 PM #335 And I so want to just give up on this class. It's kicking my ***. But I can't let myself quit. If I ever do decide to pursue this degree after all, I don't wanna have to retake it...
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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Nov 17, 2020 at 07:21 AM #336 I wish I could stop wanting to take care of you. I wish I could stop wanting you to see me as empathetic. I just want to tell you the truth about who I am and how I feel. __________________
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chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Nov 17, 2020 at 08:24 AM #337 Why do you do things like this to me? (Why do I let you?)
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Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,685 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Nov 17, 2020 at 12:33 PM #340 Other people have real problems. Can't stop feeling hurt. New exam one month away and I've spent the past week in bed. Not studying. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."
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